Stand Up Guys

STAND UP GUYS stars Academy Award® winners Al Pacino, Christopher Walken and Alan Arkin in a tough but touching action comedy as retired gangsters who reunite for one epic last night. But one of the friends is keeping a dangerous secret — he has to kill his friend, and his time to find an acceptable alternative is running out. As the sun rises on the guys’ reunion, their position becomes more and more desperate and they finally confront their pasts once and for all.
(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING)
(PIGEON COOING)
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, Sam.
Good luck.
You look like shit.
You look worse.
Yeah.
So I kind of missed you.
I missed you, too.
Did that just get weird?
Yes. Maybe a little.
(CHUCKLES)
Here, can I take your bags?
I can handle it.
You remember this.
Oh, my favorite car.
DOC: So
this is me.
You’re kidding.
Hey, this couch folds out.
Or you could sleep
in the window seat.
This is the worst
apartment I’ve ever seen.
Hey! It’s not much,
but it’s mine.
There’s cable TV,
everything.
This is for me?
No, it’s for
my other friend who
just got out of prison.
Yeah.
VAL: Oh, the Three Musketeers.
Hey, look at Hirschey.
Looks like a baby.
Those were the days,
my friend.
Yeah.
Your place looks
like where
I just came from.
Except it’s worse.
It’s not to your liking?
Sorry.
“Not to my liking”
is the understatement
of all time.
There’s cable TV.
Yeah, I know.
You said that already.
I got Starz and Showtime,
and I was in
fucking lockdown.
I need to wash up.
Can I use the commode
for, like, two seconds?
Sure.
Thank you.
I hope the commode
is to your liking.
(WATER TRICKLING)
(SIGHS)
Hey, brother.
Can we skedaddle
out of here,
do you think?
Is Mama Zeech’s still open?
Yeah.
Good.
I’ve been dreaming
about her coffee.
Yeah. I could
use a cup right now.
We can do whatever
you want, Val.
It’s your day.
Yeah, let’s do it.
(SIGHS)
Yeah.
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
You feel like partying?
Because I could
fucking party right now.
No. I don’t feel
like partying.
So what, then?
I don’t know what
to tell you, Val.
I do the same thing.
Every day,
I paint the sunrise,
watch the cable TV,
try to eat right,
relax, go to bed.
Nothing earth-shattering.
How’s your daughter?
How’s Jessica?
She doesn’t want me
to find her.
And?
I did anyway.
She’s working.
Minneapolis.
Yeah? Didn’t
she have a kid?
Your granddaughter.
She did. Does.
What is she up to?
I couldn’t find her.
I kept in touch
with some people.
What people?
What people do you think?
Friends.
High and low places.
Friends who would
be amenable
to us having
our comeback.
I’m retired.
You retired.
I’m serious.
Another subject.
I could really
fucking party.
You know
what I’m saying.
Should we go
to Miss D’s?
Miss D’s
still exists?
It’s Doc. I called.
Yeah.
This is Val.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey.
(WHISPERING)
Come in. Come in.
VAL: It looks the same.
Is Miss DeHaviland
around anywhere?
Yeah. I’m Miss DeHaviland.
He’s talking about
your mother, I think.
Oh, she couldn’t
take the cold,
so she set up shop
in Florida.
Boca.
You look like her.
Yeah?
Anyway, my friend
is looking for a party.
Yeah?
What kind of party?
(CHUCKLES)
Bar mitzvah.
Oh.
A coming-out party.
A going-in party.
Yeah, I got
the next best thing.
Oxana!
Now, look at this.
I think that’s the party
I’m talking about. Yeah.
WENDY: She’s from Minsk.
Very clean.
(MOANS)
VAL: Oh, yeah.
Clean is good.
Happy parole.
Follow me.
Enjoy.
Right.
Have a seat.
Thanks.
Relax. Relax.
Yeah.
You fixed the place up.
It’s the same,
but different.
Huh.
Would you give
my regards to your
mother, please?
We used to be close.
Old friends.
I hope she still
remembers me.
So do I.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
She’s a beauty.
Hello.
Oh. Yeah. Yeah.
Nice, too. Sweet girl.
Aren’t you? She is.
Come on. Do you
want to have fun?
I’m retired.
We’ll have fun.
Trust me, case closed.
Come on.
Wendy, I need to use
the phone. Is that okay?
(SCOFFS)
Yeah. There’s one
through there.
Thank you.
(IRENA SIGHS)
That was quick.
Yeah. It didn’t work.
WENDY: Is something wrong?
That’s not good.
No. “Not good”?
(WENDY CHUCKLES)
It’s okay. It’s okay.
DOC: We’ll be back.
What are you smiling at?
Do you find it funny?
Is this funny?
No!
Do you have anything
that could help
my friend out?
Boner pills?
Yeah, we ran out
of boner pills.
VAL: Is this
a first for you?
WENDY: It’s okay.
We’ll come back.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Just keep smiling.
We’ll be back.
I’ll settle up with you.
Guys, if you get back
before 7:00,
I’ll give you
the early bird special.
(GIRLS LAUGH)
Now, I thought
you said you retired.
I have.
But some tools
you hate to give up.
Yeah. I could have
done that with my dick.
(ALARM RINGING)
Right, that’s
why we’re here.
Oh! That was
just plain cruel.
I’m sorry.
Do you remember that time
you threw that Greek
out of the hotel window?
I do.
He fell straight onto
a street-meat vendor.
I felt bad
about that part.
Oh, this is definitely
a violation of my parole.
It’s okay. I need
to fill my Nexium
prescription anyway.
What’s Nexium?
It’s for my ulcer.
VAL: So what are
we looking for?
Ah. This.
What is that?
Hmm?
Oh.
You’re only
supposed to take one.
I want to make sure.
So are we done here?
No, I need some perindopril.
What?
And some…
Ooh! Latanoprost.
My co-pay is insane
on this one.
And…
Ooh, Aldactone
for hypertension.
Huh?
How much shit are you on?
A lot.
So how long does this take
to get the pipes working?
I wouldn’t know.
What are we going to do
while we wait?
Three Andrew Jacksons
say I run this table.
But you don’t have
any money.
What does that mean?
You spot me.
But that would be
robbing Peter to pay Paul.
“Each one must give
“as he has decided
in his heart,
“not reluctantly
or under compulsion.”
Yeah. Corinthians.
Chapter nine, verse seven.
I love Corinthians.
Okay. Let’s do the five.
Oh, it’s all mine…
Oh, wait, let me
get out of your way.
You can stay in my way.
I don’t care.
Oh!
See?
Keep it.
Thank you.
It’s yours.
You gave me
a nice thing here.
It’s too easy,
but I’m going to take it.
Well, it is easy.
(YELLS)
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
That was not fair.
No, it wasn’t.
Uh-oh.
What?
Mount Everest just
moved into my pants.
So all systems go?
Oh, yeah.
I’m so fucking hard,
I could cut a diamond.
You shouldn’t have
taken so many.
Oh, fuck that.
My old friend.
Are you ready, Val?
Ooh! Wow.
You don’t know.
I’ve never been more ready.
(SOFTLY) Let’s go.
Oh, yes.
Come on.
The next smile you see
will be on Oxana’s face.
(CHUCKLES)
That’s my only son.
Aw.
I’m going to use
the phone, okay?
(PHONE RINGS)
Paul, where’s my fucking
Kung Pao Chicken?
It’s on its way.
You got a call.
Fuck my ass,
and give me the phone.
Claphands here.
It’s Doc.
Will the package be
delivered on time?
I can’t do what
I said I would do.
Well, then if you
can’t deliver the package,
then you won’t be a friend
of mine any longer.
Do I need to become
more explicit here?
No.
No.
I didn’t think so.
How long do I have?
What do you mean,
how long do you have?
To deliver the package.
How long do I have?
I don’t fucking
believe this shit.
Do I have dementia?
Paul, who’s the President
of the United States?
Um…
Shut the fuck up!
You have until morning.
What, like, 10:00?
Or later, like brunch time?
This is like talking
to Conchita, my maid.
Kill him by 10:00
in the a.m.,
or you’re dead, too.
The motherfucker
shoots my only son!
The only reason
I’ve let you live
was for this.
Are we clear?
We’re clear.
Then, good night.
(SIGHS) Wendy, Wendy.
Doc, is everything
all right?
No, but thank you
for asking.
I bet you’re the type of man
who wouldn’t let a lady
drink by herself. Huh?
Of course not.
Just a taste.
This is good stuff.
(SIGHS)
Doc, my mother
always told me
to do the best
with what you have,
where you are.
Your mother was something.
(DOOR OPENING)
(GROANS)
(PANTS)
So
did everything work
this time, Valentine?
Four times. It worked.
I could have gone again,
but she’s all worn out.
Good for you.
Come on, let’s blow
this pop stand.
Wendy, for everything,
thank you.
I hope you find peace, Doc.
Me, too.
VAL: I feel
so ready to party!
Bye, Smiley.
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)
Those girls look like
they want to party.
Why embarrass yourself?
(SIGHS)
Embarrass myself?
I’m doing the
Battle of the Bulge.
This goes up and down
like a fucking yo-yo.
Pray for me.
Hey, ladies.
What do you say,
what do you know?
It’s me, Giacomo.
(ALL LAUGH)
Shouldn’t you be in bed?
In bed?
Baby,
I have got a python
in my pants
harder than
the Rock of Gibraltar.
(GIRLS EXCLAIM)
Don’t talk to me.
Can we go home now?
Oh, no.
Definitely not now.
We don’t go home.
We’re just getting
started, buddy.
I need 20 bucks.
I’ll be right back.
What are you doing, Val?
Give it to me.
I’m not asking.
Yeah!
Hey, hey, can you
help a brother out?
What’s happening?
I want you to play something
a little different.
You know, like when
music was still music,
when it had a little soul.
You’re talking old school.
Old school, yeah.
Right, yeah.
There’s not much call
for old school around here.
Yeah, tonight
might be different. Okay?
I think it could be.
I can trust you, right?
Slow.
You can trust me.
Don’t let me down.
Hey, I’m back.
First of all,
I just want to say,
it was rude, what I did.
ALLISON: Yes.
And I deserve
everything you gave me.
I apologize.
Do you forgive me?
Anyway, do you
like to dance?
Mmm-hmm.
ALLISON: Lisa…
Listen, Lisa…
(CLEARS THROAT)
I’m Valentine.
My friends call me Val.
Now here’s the situation.
I’ve been away
for a long time.
Where, I can’t say,
but I really need you
to dance with me.
Now, I’m not going
to ask you to
go home with me.
I’m not going to
try to kiss you,
or feel your ass,
or anything.
I just want to dance.
One song.
That’s all I’m proposing.
Two people,
holding each other,
swaying in time.
Nothing else.
After that,
you’ll never see me
or hear from me again.
I promise.
How does that sound
to you, Lisa?
What do you think?
All right, Val.
Oh, that’s good.
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD APPLAUDING)
(SIGHS)
Thank you.
Thank you.
What can I say?
Let me see this.
Cataracts.
Yeah?
If I blow them,
maybe they give me a buzz.
Ah.
Hey, buddy.
(SNORTS)
(EXHALES)
Oh, goddamn!
What else you got?
I’ll try it.
I got some for
hypertension.
What are they?
They’re green.
Okay. Here you go.
You never know what can
come out of this shit.
Nice.
Hey, hey, hey! Listen,
no drugs at the bar.
If you want to do drugs,
have the courtesy
to take it to
the bathroom.
No, no, no,
this is prescription.
I got the hypertension.
(LAUGHS)
You find that funny?
I don’t.
No. Listen, what else
can I get you guys?
Yeah, we want
a couple of drinks to go.
To go?
Yes.
(SNORTS)
That’s illegal.
And this isn’t?
(SNORTS) Here,
let’s make it legal.
You got it.
(SNORTS) Ah!
What’s this?
Oh, I’m just trying to
see what time it is.
Do you know
what time it is?
Do you want to move back
a little, sonny boy?
It says so right there.
Yeah. It’s getting
kind of late,
isn’t it?
Hmm.
Come on, let’s go.
What was that?
Stupid jerk.
Strange.
(SNORTS)
(GROANS)
All our friends,
all our business
associates,
out of sight,
out of mind.
You’re the only one
who kept in touch.
I know, Val.
Let me talk for
two fucking seconds.
You sent me
those care packages.
(CHUCKLES)
And those paintings…
I never told you
how beautiful they were.
Thank you.
Can I talk for
two fucking seconds?
I’m serious.
I never told you.
I would stare
at those paintings.
(MUTTERS)
I could feel
the sun rising.
I could feel it.
Thank you, Val.
You’re my only friend.
And you are mine.
Sit in the car.
Come on.
Am I?
I’m still hard.
Is that a problem?
It is, actually.
I feel kind of
light-headed.
That’s all right.
Just get your leg
in there.
Oh, shit.
That’s all right.
Mmm-hmm.
(GROANS) Uh-oh.
“Uh-oh,” what?
I think I’m going
to pass out.
(ENGINE STARTS)
(R&B MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
(TURNS RADIO OFF)
(SIGHS)
(GROANS)
Wake up.
I’m up.
I’m up, I’m up.
Val, wake up.
You okay?
I don’t think so.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Am I going to die?
Not tonight.
It’s okay, you know?
You can tell me.
Tell me straight,
all right?
Not on my watch.
Okay. Doc,
are you there?
Yeah.
I just want to know
if something’s going
to happen, that’s all.
I just…
I like to know
what’s going to happen.
I like information.
Okay?
(CLANGS)
Oh, boy…
Hirsch? What’s that?
It’s Hirsch’s daughter.
You’re Hirsch’s daughter?
Are you kidding me?
You got so big.
(CHUCKLES)
I knew you
when you were little.
Yeah? Time flies, right?
I’m fucking dying.
I’m dying.
What?
I’m fucking dying.
I’m so dizzy.
Rest.
VAL: Oh. (GROANS)
NINA: Take a deep breath.
Relax, he’s not dying.
The doctor’s going
to be here in
a couple of minutes.
How is your father?
His emphysema’s pretty bad.
He’s over at The Lighthouse
nursing home these days,
ever since Mom died.
He’s hanging in.
For your 10th birthday,
we were there.
I threw you up in the air.
That was you?
I threw you up in the air,
and I caught you.
Do you remember that?
I felt like I was flying.
I remember
you catching me.
(CHUCKLES)
You remember that?
Oh! Oh, oh, have mercy.
You were in jail, right?
Yeah. So what?
What did you do?
I’m supposed to
answer that? Fuck.
I got, like, no blood
in my brain anymore.
He had some
bad luck is all.
Oh. Yeah, well,
I know all about that.
DOCTOR: Excuse me.
Yeah.
I’ll take a quick look.
Mmm-hmm.
(CLEARS THROAT)
How many pills
did he take?
A fistful.
I see.
Are you a real doctor?
Are you a real patient?
Is that a real penis?
Mr. Valentine, you
have what is called
vein-induced priapism.
Now, I can give you
some blood thinners
to open things up a bit,
but the old blood’s
got to be removed
in order for
fresh blood to flow in.
Removed?
In what way, removed?
VAL: What’s he talking about?
Oh!
Oh! Fuck me.
Okay, let’s relax.
What is this?
Where are you going, Doc?
Where you going?
DOC: I’m out of here.
VAL: Oh, no,
what are you doing?
I’ll be… I’ll be
in the waiting room.
NINA: Look at me. Breathe.
Maybe I partied
a little too hard.
Maybe a little.
I don’t have, uh,
health insurance.
I paid the bill.
Okay.
So who’s going to do it?
Do what?
You know what.
I don’t.
Let’s just drop
the welcome-home thing, okay?
I know.
Hey, there, Doc.
Hey, Alex.
Who’s your friend?
This is
my best friend.
Valentine, Alex.
He just got back
from a long trip.
Well, how was
your trip, Valentine?
Oh, it was…
I’m just glad I’m back.
And I don’t answer
to the name Valentine.
My friends call me Val.
Okay, well, then
I’ll call you Val, Val.
Well, then we’re friends.
Yeah, you can never
have enough.
Yeah, you’re right there.
Doc and I, we’ve
been friends for a
while now. Haven’t we?
We have.
I remember
the very first time
he walked in here.
You remember that?
Sure, I do.
I hate to break up
this remembering
of more wistful times,
but I’m a little
on the peckish side.
Sure.
What will it be
tonight, fellows?
Uh, tea and lemon,
please.
Okay.
I’ll have
the surf and turf,
and a root beer float.
All right, how do you
like your steak done, Val?
Bloody.
(CHUCKLES)
Coming right up.
How are you doing, Tony?
Can I have a little more?
Is she always so sweet?
Every day
I walk out of here,
I’m always better.
Yeah.
So who’s gonna do it?
I don’t know.
It’s you, isn’t it?
I don’t know.
It’s you. Come on,
just say it.
It’s you.
What do you think
this is here?
I’m not gonna
blame you for anything.
A job is a job.
If the roles were reversed,
I’d do it in a heartbeat.
Come on, man.
Say it’s you!
It’s me.
Claphands.
He’s got a mean streak
in him. No?
A bit of an understatement.
Yeah.
The meanest, most
vindictive motherfucker
outside the devil himself.
The first couple of years
I was inside,
I had my head on a swivel,
you know?
I was lookin’ here,
lookin’ there.
“What the fuck is
gonna happen and
when is it gonna happen?
“Is it gonna happen
in the laundry room?
“On the yard?
Am I gonna get it in
the fuckin’ cafeteria?”
That’s all I thought about.
And then I understood
something.
He’s gonna make me serve
every single day
of my sentence
so it would end up
just like this.
So how are you
gonna do it?
In my apartment,
while you’re asleep.
You see,
that’s got no flavor.
That’s got no style.
Come on, what is that?
While I’m asleep.
How do you think
I should do it?
I don’t.
There’s the rub.
He put his son
on the job.
This was a bad idea.
Okay, fine.
I’m not gonna ask questions.
The first sign of trouble,
the kid panics,
starts shooting everywhere.
He catches my bullet
in the crossfire.
It could have been anybody’s.
I was there. I know.
This was an accident.
How is it my fault?
I’m a fucking stand-up guy.
I took the fall
for everyone.
You did. I know that.
And they pressed me.
I didn’t say a word.
Not a fuckin’ word.
And
this is what it comes to.
When did Claphands
give you this job?
The day
you went in.
For 28 years,
he was sitting on you?
(CHUCKLING) Yes.
Now that is fucked.
Here’s your tea, Doc.
Root beer float
for you.
And surf and turf.
Alex. Can I say
that this is the best
surf and turf
I’ve seen in
all my travels.
ALEX: Yeah?
Can I say that?
That’s very kind
of you to say, Val.
Are you okay, Doc?
Yeah.
So when are you
gonna do it?
(SIGHS) By 10:00
this morning,
it has to be done.
Okay.
This doesn’t work.
What time is it now?
1:17 in the a.m.
That’s about nine hours.
Yeah.
Let’s get in the car.
Hey, man, let’s…
Why don’t we skedaddle
down the road a bit?
I want to
walk off this, uh,
surf and turf
and a root beer float.
You know?
My digestion.
Sure.
So what are
my options now?
You could run.
They’d find me.
You might
buy some time.
But if I run…
What?
You’re not gonna have
any friends anymore.
True, but
you’d have a
head start at least.
(SIGHS)
It’s better this way.
How is it better?
It’s better because
then I can say goodbye.
I don’t want you
to say goodbye.
Well, what do you
want me to say, then?
I have to say goodbye.
There’s nothing left
for me to say.
Hold up.
Something has
presented itself.
What?
“What?”
What kind of
a big, beautiful
beast of a car is this?
Val, no.
I think she’s lonely.
I think she wants us
to take her out
on a date.
This car belongs to
the Jargoniew brothers.
I happen to know that.
And that’s supposed
to mean something to me?
Nobody messes
with these guys.
These are the type of guys
that take your kidneys out
and not even sell them.
If we only had
a coat hanger, right?
You can’t open a car
with a coat hanger
anymore, Val.
Says who?
Says the people
who make cars.
(LAUGHS)
What kind of
asshole keeps
a car like this open?
These guys don’t worry
about somebody stealing
their car, Val.
They better start.
Come on.
These guys,
I’m telling you…
These morons
even left the key.
Where does this
fuckin’ key go?
This is not
a good idea, Val.
Yeah, well, my life is
full of not-good ideas.
How do you start it?
You know how?
They make cars
differently these days.
Yeah.
So do you know
how to do it?
Put your foot on the brake.
Press that button.
VAL: This button?
See?
Holy shit.
(ENGINE REVVING)
Fuck.
Whoa!
(CHUCKLES)
Where to?
Where to?
Where do you think?
Our friend needs rescuing.
Yes.
(ENGINE REVVING)
VAL: Oh, I don’t ever
want to end up
in one of these places.
DOC: Me, too.
Hey, excuse me.
Yeah?
Would you happen to know
where Richard Hirsch’s
room is?
I like Hirsch.
Are you his friends?
Yeah, the best.
His room is
down at the end
of the hall,
and to your left.
Thanks a bunch.
Hey, are you here
to rescue him?
VAL: How did you know?
I wish somebody would
come and rescue me.
We all do, honey.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
I feel like I’m dreamin’.
Hirsch.
You’re still here.
We’re all still here.
You fuckin’ guys,
just like the old days.
So?
Get me the fuck
out of here.
Get me out of here.
Wait a second,
let me get a hit.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
Let’s escape.
You want us
to bring that?
No, no, let’s roll.
You better get dressed.
Hirschey boy.
Oh, man.
The sweet taste of freedom.
We got a ride?
This is it.
Huh?
Right here.
Oh, man.
You get to drive it.
Oh, ho!
Okay.
(VAL GROANS)
There’s no legroom here.
Yeah.
It’s tight back here.
I just banged my head.
Yeah. To hell
with your legroom.
I’m 6’2″. Let’s go.
Hey.
The situation is not ideal.
You’re a master.
Yeah, I was.
You are.
I was.
You don’t forget that stuff.
You’re a master, Hirsch!
Four minutes ago,
you were sittin’
in a dying house.
Now you’re sittin’
in this beast of a car,
you know?
The situation’s okay.
All right.
Give me the key.
There’s no key.
Don’t fuck around.
Give me the key.
It’s new.
It’s a button.
VAL: It’s automatic.
You push the button.
It’s computers.
HIRSCH: A button? Here?
Yeah.
(PUSHING BUTTON)
VAL: You put…
Put your foot on the brake
at the same time.
(ENGINE STARTS)
All right.
VAL: Okay?
Yeah.
Can we go now?
Well, there’s a million
dials here. I never
saw these before.
Man, this is
like the future.
(ENGINE REVVING)
HIRSCH: Ho-ho!
Very nice.
So, Hirsch,
what have you been
doing since the
last time I saw you?
Grieving, mostly.
Yeah, me, too.
Yeah, a different kind,
I guess.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Hey, I’m sorry
for your loss.
I’m sorry about Julie.
Well, you know,
she was in a lot of pain.
Yeah.
Uh, what do you say?
So, how’s your health?
Well, they took
something out of me
a couple of months ago.
What’d they take out?
I don’t know. I didn’t ask.
It’s none of my business.
But I’m a little more
streamlined now,
a little more aerodynamic.
Which way’s the highway?
Not the highway, Hirsch.
Which way is the highway?
I’m not gonna ask again.
Go left.
VAL: Go left, young man.
Go left!
Whoa!
(TIRES SCREECHING)
So, I got into gardening.
Where, in the joint?
Yeah.
Yeah, Julie was into that.
No. Yeah?
Yeah.
VAL: I got quite a little
green thumb, fellas.
I’m not surprised.
Whoa!
(HORN HONKING)
I knew a guy who got out,
committed a crime
in order to get back in
so he could see
how his garden was doing.
It sounds like
you loved it, too.
Loved it? I love it.
(POLICE SIREN WAILING)
I mean, I still do.
Uh-oh.
“Uh-oh,” what?
Don’t worry.
I can lose ’em.
VAL: I got paroled today,
we’re driving
in a stolen car,
and I imagine you’re
carrying a weapon.
I am.
So?
VAL: So…
I’m already fucked
five ways to Sunday.
Let’s rumble!
(ENGINE REVVING)
We got two of them.
I can see. I can see.
Hirsch,
remember the time
in that shitbox car
with the Chinamen?
Yeah, I do.
I think you should
do that again.
You do, huh?
I do.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(YELLING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
VAL: Hey, Hirsch.
Nice driving,
by the way.
Thanks.
I mean,
you still got it, buddy.
Yeah, I do, don’t I?
Yeah, absolutely.
It was intense.
I got a rush.
Hey, I threw up
in my mouth.
(CHUCKLES)
So, when did you
get out, Val?
VAL: Today.
Today?
Yeah.
Get the hell out of here.
No. Yeah, ask Doc.
No kidding?
Yeah.
We got sprung
on the same day.
It’s nice
you can share that.
Twenty-eight years.
Twenty-eight fucking years.
You did your time
like a man, Val.
You were stand-up
all the way.
But you and Doc
would have done the same.
Well, I would
like to think so.
It’s possible.
Either way is possible,
but you did it, Val.
VAL: True.
I can’t believe
you guys didn’t work
together all this time.
No.
No, no, no.
Claphands retired us.
That was that.
And it was.
He can’t forgive himself,
so everybody else
has got to pay.
So, what do you want to do
now that you’re out, Val?
I always wanted to
finish high school,
learn more about
the human condition.
How about you, Hirsch?
Is there anything
in this life that
you haven’t done
that you would like
to have a chance to do?
Two girls at the same time.
VAL: That’s very doable.
No, Doc?
Yeah, done and done.
Back so soon?
One more time,
you get the free
coffee mug.
Wendy, we’d like you
to meet our associate,
Richard Hirsch.
How are you doing?
Hello.
He’s looking for
what is known in French
as the menage a trois.
Shit.
Oxana’s the
only one working.
Irena fell down the stairs.
What about you?
Me?
No.
I don’t do it for money.
Well, we won’t
pay you.
Oh.
Excuse me.
What’s your name?
Wendy.
(INDISTINCT WHISPERING)
You’re going to have
the greatest experience
of your life…
(INDISTINCT)
It’s up to you whether
you want to experience
that or not.
It’s that important to me
and that big a deal.
Do you promise?
I swear to God.
Okay.
But it costs triple.
Shouldn’t it be double?
Yeah, it should.
Doc, if you please.
(EXHALES)
I guess.
Oxana.
Go easy on him, girls.
If I hadn’t seen it,
I wouldn’t believe it.
He would pump it up
on a vacuum cleaner.
Yeah?
He said, every day,
whatever he did,
he watched TV,
he listened to the radio…
He would attach…
You know the attachment
on a vacuum cleaner?
What do you call
the thing that…
It’s a nozzle.
The nozzle.
Yeah, but it’s for taking
the stuff off the corners
of the couch.
I mean, why would you
put your dick in that?
It doesn’t matter,
because it stretched
his dick.
And his dick kept getting
bigger and bigger…
There’s other ways.
There’s a Chinese thing
I heard about.
It’s a jar.
They put bees in it.
You put it
on your schlong.
The bees bite your dick.
Hello.
It gets all swollen, huge.
Yeah, but where
do you put it?
I don’t know.
It’s good for show, anyway.
That makes so much sense.
Hirsch has been up there
a long time.
Good for him.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Whoa! Here he comes!
(EXHALING)
So the pipes
still working?
You could put it that way.
(SPEAKING UKRAINIAN)
Oh!
Okay. Jesus,
that’s enough.
I do not know
the English word
for what I feel.
“Surprise”?
I think it’s called
“lust,” darling.
Love. That is close enough.
Good, okay.
I didn’t know you
had it in you.
I did.
Hirsch.
Hello.
Oh!
(MOANING)
Okay. All right.
It’s like
a gum commercial.
You’ve ruined me
for any other man.
It’s okay.
You’ll get over it.
Call me.
Bye.
Thank you.
(OXANA SPEAKING UKRAINIAN)
Hey, Hirsch,
who knew you were
a freak in bed?
Huh?
Wow, you’ve got to
feel great, no?
I don’t feel that great.
Why the fuck not?
I never went out on
my wife before,
it makes me feel
like a piece of shit.
Hirschey,
for Christ’s sake,
she’s been dead for ages.
We were married
for 40 fucking years!
You don’t get over
that in five minutes.
(ENGINE REVVING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Slow down!
The cops are
not following us.
The adrenaline
keeps me alert.
If he slows down,
he may fall asleep.
(THUMPING)
What’s that?
(THUMPING CONTINUES)
What the…
Was that us?
What was that?
Wait a minute.
Shit, man. It’s the trunk.
Someone’s in the trunk.
Yeah, yeah. Pull over.
VAL: Okay,
let’s pull over.
That’s not good.
It’s human-sounding.
We should
try it here.
(GUN COCKING)
Here.
So, we go on three,
right?
Let go.
I’m doing this.
One, two,
three!
Oh, man.
(MUFFLED YELLING)
Get the gag out.
Get the gag out.
Yeah.
Jesus Christ!
Who was driving?
Me. I was driving.
Jesus.
How did you get
in this trunk?
I’m on vacation.
What does that mean?
WOMAN: Get me out of here!
Okay, okay, take it easy.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Who are you?
I’m a friend
of yours. Here.
VAL: Jeez, man!
My friend?
Hirsch, listen.
You’re going to have
to give me your pants.
Why?
Because she’s naked.
She’s going to need
something to wear.
I’m not giving her
my pants, end of story.
Come on.
She’s got no clothes on.
Give her your pants.
If you want to give
her some pants,
give her your pants.
No, I’m not going
to give her my pants.
I gave her my jacket.
My pants are
important to me.
Give me… Come on.
What makes you
the arbiter of whose
pants are important
and whose pants
are not important?
VAL: You don’t need pants!
You sit in the car,
driving.
How the fuck do you need
pants to drive?
I don’t need pants?
I gotta go out
and walk around, come on.
I’m not giving her
my fucking pants,
end of story.
Okay. So, that’s
your final offer?
I’m not making any offers.
(CAR DOOR SHUTS)
(SIGHS)
Okay, plan B.
Doc.
DOC: Song,
how are you doing?
Do you sell women’s
clothing here?
Do it look like it?
My friend just
asked you a question,
a polite question.
Could you give him
a polite answer?
(SPEAKING KOREAN)
You no hear
so good, old man?
Or you just stupid?
(GROANS)
Do you see that?
Hey, your jab still
looks pretty good.
You think so?
Yeah.
I thought I didn’t
get my hips into it.
No, no, no. You had
a nice snap to it.
Thanks for saying so.
He’s okay.
Do you need anything?
Just the check.
I think we should
know certain things
about her.
Ow.
(SCOFFS)
Here she comes.
Hey, look at that,
the clothes fit.
Do you feel better?
A little. I’m starving.
So, Sylvia.
Mmm.
Why don’t we continue
where we left off?
So I was standing,
waiting for a cab.
This car pulls up.
Nice car, nice smile.
He asked me
if I needed a ride.
I was late,
so I said, “Sure.”
Wow. You know,
you shouldn’t accept
rides from strangers.
Go fuck yourself,
all right?
Ooh!
Ah.
Okay.
“Go fuck yourself.”
I like this girl.
There was another guy
in the back seat
who I didn’t see.
They tied me up,
and took me
to this warehouse.
There were two
other guys there,
they were just laughing,
whatever.
Pretty soon I was naked,
and you can figure
out the rest.
So, you never saw
these guys before?
Never.
What, do you think I put
myself in the trunk?
How’s everybody
doing over here?
Good.
Thank you, Alex.
Doc, I didn’t know
you had so many friends.
Me, too.
Let me know if I can
get you anything else.
I’m fine, thanks.
Anyway, I passed out
for a while,
and woke up naked
in the trunk of the car.
Now, I’m sitting
here with you three
with a friggin’
Korean janitor outfit on.
I had a dog named Sylvia.
I loved that dog.
I think about her
every day.
There’s so goddamn much
I want to forget.
Where was
this warehouse?
Show me where you
found the car,
and I’ll show you the place.
We stole the car
on Rodney Street.
It belongs to
the Jargoniew brothers.
Total degenerate lowlifes.
Animals.
Maybe we could do something
about this situation.
So what do you guys
want to do about it?
SYLVIA: (SCOFFS) What,
are you going to fuck them up
with a pair of pliers?
It’s only
the beginning.
Holy shit.
Who are you guys?
DOC: Do you remember that?
Oh, my baby.
I’ve missed you.
Mr. Hirsch.
Remember me?
I do this.
What time is it?
I don’t know.
What time is it?
(COCKS GUN)
It’s time to kick ass,
or chew gum.
And guess what?
I’m all out of gum.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Hey, Val.
Yeah?
It’s like the old days,
isn’t it?
No. It’s better.
Yeah. Why?
Because this time,
we can appreciate it.
Yeah, that’s right.
That’s the reason.
I’ll see you soon.
I’ll be right here.
Okay, if you
see the place,
you tell us,
and then you take off.
Okay?
We’re just three people,
walking down the street.
Nothing suspicious.
This is it.
Around the corner.
Okay.
You need to
go home now, Sylvia.
No, I want to watch.
VAL: Oh, no, honey.
Nobody watches us work.
Besides, there may be
five or six guys in there,
you know.
With just the two of us,
it may not turn out
the way we would hope.
All right, so what?
I can help.
Go home, get some rest.
No.
We can’t know
what’s on the other side
of that door.
No! No.
I don’t think
she’s going to listen.
No, she seems
firm about it.
No, she’s not
going to leave.
VAL: Listen, honey.
Why don’t you wait here
about 10 minutes,
and then come on in?
Why are you
doing this for me?
I don’t understand
the question.
(CHUCKLES)
You don’t even know me.
That’s true.
But I know you,
at the same time.
It makes me sick,
what they did to you.
They’re fucking animals!
There used to be
consequences.
VAL: Exactly.
They think they can
do things like this
to people,
and get away with it.
Well, we’re the fucking
consequences.
And now for
my next trick.
Give me those picks.
It’s probably open.
You’re right.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)
(SINGING)
(SNIFFS)
Yeah, man.
(MAN LAUGHING)
Hey, fellows.
What’s going on?
How the fuck
did you get in here?
We’re friends of Sylvia.
VAL: You remember Sylvia,
the naked girl
you put in your trunk.
How the fuck
do you know about…
(SCREAMS)
(GROANS)
All right.
Does anybody else
want to get shot?
(GROANS)
Okay.
Remember, fellows…
(ALL GROANING)
You reap
what you sow.
Yes. I would like to
report a large cache
of weapons and drugs.
(SIGHS)
DOC: What’s the address here?
It’s Rodney Street.
I know that.
What number?
Oh, what’s
the number here?
I asked you
a question.
Go fuck yourself.
Ooh!
(GROANS)
I didn’t hear the number.
172.
172.
172 Rodney.
Thank you so much.
Have a great night.
You’re your own
worst fucking enemy.
(ELEVATOR ASCENDING)
Shit!
VAL: Whoa!
Look who’s here.
Oh, fuck.
Good evening, gentlemen.
VAL: Remember her?
The belle of the ball.
I think it’s time
for us to exit.
Stage left.
VAL: Okay, Sylvie.
SYLVIA: Yeah?
You know, you’ve got
about eight minutes
before the cops come.
Thank you.
VAL: You’re welcome.
Good luck, fellows.
DOC: Enjoy.
You guys like the ballet,
don’t you?
The Nutcracker
was my favorite.
(CRACKS)
(MAN SCREAMING)
Here. Here’s
your gun back.
(MEN SCREAMING)
I got blood
all over my jacket.
Look at this.
You can wash them.
You use
the biological stuff,
it takes the
stains right out.
What the fuck
is that, biological?
I’m telling you,
you can take
that stain right out.
No, you can’t get
these stains out.
It doesn’t matter
how many times
you wash them.
A blood stain stays in.
You can’t get
this fucking stuff out.
We’ll get you a new suit.
A new suit?
Yeah.
That’s a different
conversation.
What’s going on here?
What’s this?
Hey!
It’s always something,
isn’t it?
Yeah.
But he got
his last wish.
Yeah.
We got to work
together again.
Yeah.
We got to work
together again.
So?
I think
we should bury him.
Hirsch.
Do you know where
Nina Hirsch works?
I think
she’s over there.
Hey, Nina.
VAL: Do you remember us?
Sure. How’s your pecker?
It’s all right.
Listen, your dad’s dead.
What?
We’re sorry.
But how do you
know he’s dead?
We took him for
a night out is all,
and, well,
you know, he died.
Where is he?
He’s outside in
a stolen sports car,
in the front seat.
VAL: See?
He’s still warm.
It didn’t happen
more than 30 minutes ago.
What were you guys doing?
Having fun,
just like old times.
He went out with a bang.
Is there a family plot
or something?
We thought
we should bury him.
You…
You want to bury him now?
Tonight?
Well, for us,
it’s got to be tonight.
They won’t miss this.
We’ll give it
to you, Hirsch.
Here you go, my boy.
I think Hirsch
would be glad to be
next to your mother.
He bought this plot
when I was four.
He told me,
“Darling, just come visit me
from time to time.
“Let me know
how it’s going.”
Dad,
it’s going okay.
You taught me
that the best thing
a person could be
is of some use.
You were of
so much use to me.
Always.
Right.
(EXHALES)
Val, we should
say something, too.
Would you do it?
I’m not good at
stuff like this.
Yeah.
Okay, I can do it.
Hirsch was a good friend.
I remember one time,
we robbed
this liquor store,
and he ran over a dog.
(LAUGHS)
He cried for two days
over that dog.
Anyway, he will be missed
by so many of us
that got left behind.
He was a witness
to our lives.
Not many of those left.
So there’s one less person
on this Earth
who knows our name,
who remembers our childhood,
who shared
in each moment
as it passed.
You know,
they say we die twice,
once when the breath
leaves our body, and once
when the last person
we know says our name.
And then,
Hirsch’s life
will be forgotten,
like all the other poor
fucks that ever had
the glory of living.
Amen.
Amen.
NINA: Amen.
What?
Nothing.
That was really good.
It was good?
The best I ever heard.
You think so?
Really good, Val.
Fuck you.
Thank you, Valentine.
Yeah, well, it was nothing.
No. Valentine, listen to me.
Thank you.
It’s okay.
Thank you.
Good night.
There’s nothing you
can say about that.
No.
So,
are you going
to do my eulogy?
I’m working on it.
How much time
I got left?
Four hours, about.
I could use a steak.
You hungry?
Yeah.
Let’s go.
DOC: And after breakfast,
we’ll get you a new suit.
Oh.
Then you can shoot me
in the head,
so it doesn’t
fuck up my suit.
That’s right.
I shoot you in the head.
Thank you.
You’re welcome.
Look at this,
my car is still here.
What,
are you surprised?
Who’s going to want to
take that piece of shit?
Well, good morning, fellows.
VAL: Hi, Alex.
Are you two up early,
or are you going
to bed late?
And what’s going on here
with all this dirt?
Yeah, well, you know…
Gardening.
We’ve been doing a spot
of late-night gardening.
Huh.
Yeah, you should
try it some time.
Well, look at you,
young lady.
You’re pulling
a long shift tonight, huh?
Yeah. I don’t sleep.
I sort of like being awake
when everyone else
is sleeping, you know?
It gives me a sense of…
Being alive.
Yes.
I know the feeling,
believe me.
Okay. So, what
will it be, Doc?
Two eggs over easy.
Of course.
And I will have a steak,
waffles, a Greek omelet,
a Greek salad,
and a banana malt.
And another steak.
And a coffee.
ALEX: And a coffee.
Oh, and a muffin.
ALEX: And a muffin.
If you don’t mind.
I don’t mind.
You are a very
hungry man, Val.
Uh…
I’m leaving
on a long trip.
Oh.
Just when we were
getting to know each other.
Yeah, ain’t that too bad?
I’ll put that order
right in.
Yeah.
I’m going to take
a wild guess here,
but Alex, the waitress,
is your granddaughter, no?
Yes.
You got to tell her.
I’m going to.
Yeah?
Why haven’t you
told her already?
I can’t.
How come?
You can.
Believe me.
The truth will set
you free, brother.
Okay, but not today.
Then when?
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Do you promise?
Tomorrow, I’ll tell
her everything.
Okay, tomorrow.
My last meal.
Yeah.
Don’t go sentimental
on me now.
Excuse me.
(COINS CLINKING)
There you go.
Thank you.
So, Val?
So, Alex.
Do you mind if I sit?
No. Go ahead, please.
So Doc comes in here
every morning, you know.
Mmm-hmm.
And he always orders
the same exact thing.
Oh, the tyranny of habit.
DOC: It’s me.
Is it done?
ALEX: What is he like?
I can’t help but
wonder about most
of my customers,
but I wonder
about him the most.
I don’t know.
What do you
imagine he’s like?
Please. Mercy,
is all I’m saying.
Mercy.
I know
it was your only son.
I know what that
must be like.
“Please”?
“Please”?
Please bring back
my only son!
See how far
“please” gets you!
We’re all
out of mercy here.
Why?
He’ll be dead soon
enough. Just give him
a few more years.
What’s the difference?
What is the fucking
difference?
How’s Alex, fuckface?
What?
Alex. You know
who I’m talking about.
I bet you my left nut
you can see the bitch
right this second.
It would be
a fucking shame
to see such
a young hottie get into
an awful accident.
A fucking waste, yeah?
You wouldn’t.
Oh, really?
Are you sure?
I imagine he’s a man
who knows what
it’s like to be alone,
to live life with
a lot of regret,
and that maybe he comes
here every day just to
be around other people,
even if it’s only
for a half an hour,
just to be around people.
That’s right,
that’s exactly right.
Sometimes
what we imagine
and the world
aren’t different things.
Sometimes, they’re
the same exact thing.
Yeah.
I thought so. (CHUCKLES)
Finish this, fucknut,
or accidents can
and will happen.
I think your food
is ready.
I wish we could have
talked more, Val.
Me, too. It was nice
sitting here with you.
Yeah, it was.
Is the church open?
Church is always open.
Yeah.
So, do you start
or do I start?
I forgot.
You do.
I do. Right, okay.
So, forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned.
How long since
your last confession?
Um…
Sixty years,
give or take a few.
Okay.
Now, confess each
and every serious sin that
separates you from Christ.
Oh, no. We’d be
here forever, Father.
Can we just deal
with what happened today?
So far,
I shot a guy in the kneecap
and one in the arm.
I stole a bunch
of prescription drugs,
and a sweet-ass car.
Punched a Korean
store clerk in the face,
took his clothes,
and fucked a Russian
hooker four times.
That was all today?
Uh…
Since noon yesterday, yeah.
But I did
some good things,
too, Father.
(STAMMERING)
I buried a friend.
I helped this young woman
take her life back.
And…
I eased my
best friend’s pain.
And for 28 years,
I kept my mouth shut.
So, can I say a Hail Mary
and be done here?
No, I don’t think
that you’re going to
be able to
Hail Mary your way
out of this one.
You’re right.
You’re right, I guess.
I’m wasting both our time.
Here. Go ahead.
Why don’t you
take this?
What’s that?
This is for your troubles.
No.
Buy yourself a steak
dinner or something.
But I can’t.
Take it, Father.
I don’t need it
where I’m going.
What?
So?
Did you receive absolution?
Well, close enough.
Let’s go see about
those suits.
VAL: You want to hurry up?
What about this one?
What?
Am I going to play
a game of shuffleboard?
Come on,
let’s be serious here.
Okay.
Looking for the suit.
Find the suit.
This one.
What size is it?
Forty-two, long.
I wear 40 regular.
(SOBBING)
Hey.
You said no crying.
No crying for you.
We didn’t say
anything about me.
Okay. Hey, this one.
It’s beautiful.
Look at this.
It will look
great on you.
Clothes just hang
off you the right way.
You think so?
Definitely.
Why don’t you try one on?
No, I’m okay.
Your wardrobe could
use a little help.
You think?
Uh, yeah. I wasn’t
going to say anything,
but…
Yeah? But what?
But you dress
like you’re on your way
to the gin rummy championship
of the world.
Here.
No, I prefer black.
You’re right.
Black suits you.
Here’s black.
What do you think?
I can’t see myself
wearing that every day.
I don’t see myself in it.
(DOOR OPENING)
Will you look
at these guys, Paul?
Look at them!
They’re trying
on clothes.
You’re fucking shopping?
What?
What do you mean,
“What?”
Isn’t there something
else you’re supposed
to be doing?
You know, Claphands
had you figured, Doc.
He said you don’t got
the stones anymore.
DOC: Whoa!
Larry, please.
Before you do this,
there’s one thing
you should know.
(GROANS)
Here, here!
(GROANING)
(SCREAMS)
You.
Call Claphands.
Tell him,
“Stay out of my action.
“I got this.”
Okay.
Go.
Nice work.
In the old days,
I would have had him
with the throat punch.
You gotta admit
it felt good, though,
didn’t it?
Damn right.
It felt good.
Oh, look at you.
You look great.
No. You look great.
Do I?
Yeah.
Well, I feel great.
That’s what I’m saying.
A change of wardrobe
can be just the thing.
Definitely.
Yeah.
(LARRY GROANS)
May I?
Be my guest.
Boom.
VAL: Whoa.
(LAUGHING)
Fuck!
Did you see that?
I did.
It was good, though.
I got my hips in it.
He’s still alive.
So.
So.
What time is it?
It’s time.
Already?
I’m sorry.
Well, it had to come,
didn’t it?
It did.
Time waits for no man.
It doesn’t.
Hmm.
I’m going to
miss the spring.
And my flowers.
The birds returning.
Their song.
The whole world,
you know,
renewing itself again.
Your fucking face.
See.
This didn’t feel weird.
Did it?
No.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello.
DOC: Alex.
What do you think
of my sunrises?
I think they’re beautiful.
I wanted you to know
some of the things
I thought,

saw, some of
the things I felt.
I do.
I know they look
like the sunrise,
but I was painting you.
In the closet,
on the top shelf,
there’s a shoebox.
Put the phone down.
Open it. I’ll wait.
No rush.

Okay.
(GASPS)
(SNIFFLES)
Doc, this is too much.
No, it’s all there is.
Welcome home.
The rent is paid
for a year.
It’s not much,
but it’s yours.
What do you mean?
When am I going to
see you again?
I don’t know.
I love you, Alex.
Grandpa.
I love you, too.
I have to go now.
Are you sure
you want to do this?
You can change your mind,
you know.
I know, but I won’t.
You took care of Alex?
I’m so proud
of you for that.
Tomorrow became today.
It usually does.
So?
What will it be?
Chew gum or kick ass?
I’m all out of gum.
Get me a gun!
(SCREAMS)
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)