Post Grad

Post Grad


Ryden Malby (Alexis Bledel) has a master plan. Graduate college, get a great job, hang out with her best friend (Zach Gilford) and find the perfect guy. But her plan spins hilariously out of control when she’s forced to move back home with her eccentric family. By the time she lands her dream job, Ryden realizes it’s meaningless without the man of her dreams…and the people she loves. Michael Keaton, Jane Lynch (“Glee”) and Carol Burnett co-star in this offbeat romantic comedy that proves you can still end up on top, even when your life is turned upside-down!
[ Waves Crashing ]
[ Bell Tolling ]
[ Mouse Clicks ]
[ Typing ]
Hey! It’s me again.
This is a very special day.
This is day 756…
of my college experience,
otherwise known as…
graduation day!
Whoo! Ah!
Wait for it.
I got the whole outfit.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hmm.
I have been planning
for this day
for my entire life.
Um, when I was a kid,
I devised this plan–
[ Mouse Clicking ]
that I cleverly called
“The Plan.”
[ Beeping ]
Uh, “Dad can’t make it
to graduation today.
Big shocker.
Can I join you guys
for lunch?”
This is great, because nobody
runs parental interference
quite like Adam.
We’ve been best friends
since freshman year.
♪ This is Ryden’s
study song ♪
♪ I worked on it
so damn long ♪
♪ It’s to give
encouragement ♪
♪ For your
big test today ♪♪
Anyway, the plan
is pretty straightforward.

One, kick ass in high school,
so that I can get–
two– a fatty scholarship.

limit my beer pong enough…

to keep said scholarship,
which I did, and–

– [ Sighs ]
– ♪♪ [ Fanfare ]
Hi, Ryden.
Jessica Bard here.
[ Sighs ]
Just wanted
to clean the slate.
I’m sorry
I nabbed valedictorian,
but you have to believe
I will do an excellent job.
Jessica Bard–
my own personal Darth Vader
since the third grade.
[ Inhales Deeply, Exhales ]
Back to the master plan.
Number four.
Most importantly,
land a sweet job
at the finest publishing house
in all of L.A.,
Happerman & Browning,
where I will no doubt…
discover the next
great American novel.
All right.
So that’s the plan.
This is it.
Malby signing off,
about to embark on the first day
of the rest of my life.
And, hey,
if you’re at graduation,
come say hi.
I’ll be the one in black.
♪♪ [ Piano Intro ]
[ Woman ]
♪ You stumble down
a yellow brick road ♪

♪ Spinning your shoes
in the air ♪

♪ The air ♪
♪ Then you hold your breath
and count to nine ♪

♪ Hoping that soon
somebody will find you ♪

♪ Find you ♪
♪ Go on, go on, go on ♪
♪ The stars are watching ♪
♪ Just say, just say, just say ♪
♪ What you’re feeling ♪
♪ You know, you know, you know ♪
♪ You gotta take a bow
and do it your way ♪

♪ It’s okay-ay ♪
♪ La-dada, da-dada, da-dada ♪
♪ It’s okay-ay ♪
♪ La-dada, da-dada, da-dada ♪♪
Please welcome your class
Jessica Bard,
with tonight’s keynote address.

[ Man ]
All right, Jessica!

[ Applauding ]
[ Woman ]
Rock on, Jessie!

[ Clears Throat ]
Class of 2009,
it is my great honor…
to welcome you to this evening’s
graduation ceremony.
I stand before you
with two age-old words:
Carpe diem.

[ Shutter Clicks ]
When we walk out these doors,
I challenge each of us
to not only seize the day,

but to clutch it
with both hands.

You go first.
To squeeze it–
with all your strength.
And drain every last…
living, breathing–
Could you move down
a little?
victorious moment out of it.
Like when a Trojan decides…
to plunge his blade into
the beating heart of his enemy.

[ Grunts ]
He realizes it’s not
for his own personal glory.

He does it for the better good
of the community as a whole.

[ Rustling ]
We must remember that
our generation is smarter–

[ Crunching ]
stronger and better equipped
than those that came before us.

Ma’am! Could you keep it down?
And now–
I’m dying.
it is our responsibility…
to forge ahead and stake
our rightful claim at the top.
[ Cheering ]
– You know what?
This calls for a toast.
– Mm-hmm.
What do you say, huh?
Glasses up.
Hear, hear. Yes.
– To Ryden.
– To Ryden.
To Ryden.
[ Father ]
Who I’m very proud of.

And to Adam.

The A-Man, who’s here
because we like him.
He’s also here because
his dad was too busy to come,
and, uh, his mom
couldn’t come because, um–
’cause she’s dead and–
Hear, hear.
– Yeah.
– To your dead mother.
– Hmm. Cheers.
– [ Ryden ] Cheers.
Anyway, honey,
now that you’re out there
looking for a job,

maybe you, uh,
you know,
come down and work with me.
Uh, she’s already got
something lined up.
Tell ’em about
the big interview.
At Happerman & Browning,
Monday at 10:00.
– Wow!
– Hey!
And my thesis adviser
is best friends
with the chief editor,
and has already put in
a good word and everything.
And they are building
these loft apartments…
like a block away
from the offices, so–
They have
these sweeping city views.
I could walk to work.
[ Gasps ]
Didn’t I tell you?
What do you see over there?
What do you see right here
on this wall?
Uh, white paint.
All my babies,
floor to ceiling,
organized by title.
No, by author.
No, by genre.
Okay. Settle down.
[ Sighs ]
It’s amazing.
I’ll take it.
– Really?
– Really?
Yes! I can feel it.
It’s everything
I ever imagined.
Hello? I love it.
Here. I’ve already filled out
the application.
All right then.
I’ll need a check for first
and last month’s rent,

plus security deposit,
so $3,500.
Done and done.
Hey, don’t you think…
you’re getting
a little ahead
of yourself there, killer?
No. No, I don’t.
I will have enough money soon.
Okay, well, right here
you wrote “Happerman & Browning”
under “employer,”
but you’re not actually
an employee of them.
In a couple of hours,
that will be true too, so–
[ Paper Tears ]
– Maybe.
Here you go.
Thank you so much.
I’m hoping to
start moving my stuff in
on Saturday.
Just as soon
as I call your references.
And your check clears.

♪ Wake up, wake up
wake the sun ♪

♪ Wake up, wake up
hanging like– ♪♪

[ Ryden ]
Are we okay?
Do we have enough time?
[ Adam ]
Don’t worry.
We got plenty of time.
Hey, what’s up with Columbia?
Did you hear back yet?
Uh, big envelope, so–
I don’t know.
I guess I got in.
Wait. Adam.
You might’ve gotten
into law school,
and you haven’t even
opened the envelope yet?
[ Sighs ]
The shrug? Adam, you know
how I feel about the shrug.
Another shrug? Adam.
I got the double shrug?
Hey, this is your day, okay?
Shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit, shit.
Okay. No, calm down. Calm down.
You just calm down.
Oh– My car!
He killed my car!
[ Groans ]
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
No, calm down.
His insurance will pay for it.
It’s fine. I’ll take–
[ Sighs ]
Oh, shit.
Happerman & Browning offices?
Uh, yes.
Eighteenth floor.
Uh, uh–
Excuse me, ma’am.
You got something
going on right here.
[ Gasps ]
[ Elevator Dings ]
[ Woman ]
Happerman & Browning.
Please hold.

Happerman & Browning.
Yes, at 4:00. Thank you.

[ Phone Ringing ]
– Happerman & Browning.
Please hold.
Hi. I’m Ryden Malby.
I have an interview
with Barbara Snaff at 10:00.
Yeah. We’re actually running
about two hours behind,
so just fill this out
and have a seat with
the rest of the applicants, hmm?
[ Phone Ringing ]
Happerman & Browning.
Yes, at 4:00.
Thank you.

[ Receptionist ]
Yes, Miss Snaff. Right away.

Stacy Moore?
Joe Schrader?
Caroline Hirsch.
Jeffrey Beales?
Kimberly Rice?
Beth Brandon.

Barry Jenkins.
Gregory O’Bryant?

Ryden Malby?
Please. Take a seat.
Thank you.
All right. You–
You just graduated, yes?
Yes, I–
English, with an emphasis–
– Communications.
– Internships?
I actually did
three internships–
Penguin, Random House–
[ Together ]
And Time Warner.
[ Sighs ]
So, why do you
want this job?
this is not just a job to me.
This is– This is what I love.
This is what I’m good at.
When I was 11, at summer camp,
all the other kids
would go down to the lake,
and I would be finishing
Catcher in the Rye…

’cause I couldn’t get enough
of Holden Caulfield.
And at 13,
Bukowski’s Post Office–
the most explicit,
inappropriate thing
I’d ever come across.
It was like sex ed,
except awesomely foul-mouthed.
Well, I guess
what I’m getting at is
that books are all I know…
and everything I love, and…
I want this job because–
well, because I can’t imagine
ever doing anything else.
All right. Good.
Thank you for coming in.
[ Scribbling ]
[ Door Closes ]
I got it.
Thank you.
– Jessica?
– Hi.
What are you doing here?
They just called me in
for a little meeting.
Is that a bow? That’s nice.
Jessica Bard?
Pleasure to meet you.
You too.
Dean Brunswick
just called me about you.
So glad I could fit you in.
I can get another job.
It won’t be a problem.
I’m a college graduate.
Well, I didn’t know
you were a college graduate.
♪♪ [ Acoustic Guitar ]
Happerman & Browning thing–
It just wasn’t meant to be.
– You know that, right?
– Yeah.
It’s fine.
You should eat one of these.
[ Sighs ]
No, thanks.
You’re turning down
an Eskimo Pie?
Oh, come on.
All right.
Every evil, terrible thing
that ever occurs
in the world…
is directly offset–
if you will–
by the complete,
utter joy of biting
into an Eskimo Pie.
It’s– It’s the way
we maintain balance
in the universe.
Come on.
Does anyone ever
say no to you?
You do all the time.
Okay. Take a bite.
Hmm, hmm.
Mmm. Mmm.
Oh, yeah! It’s like God’s
just giving birth
in my mouth.
Okay. That is the girl
that I fell in love with,
but harbors nothing
but platonic feelings
for me, unfortunately.
[ Groans ]
Y-Your foot is freezing.
It’s 90 degrees outside,
and your foot is freezing.
My feet are always freezing.
I have the feet
of an 80-year-old man.
Ooh, that’s hot.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, so good.
[ Objects Clattering ]
Wait, wait.
Hold– Hold on.
[ Woman ]

[ Man ]
Yes, yes, yes.

[ Woman Chuckling ]

[ Man Grunts ]
[ Woman Yelps ]
[ Laughing ]
Juanita. Wow.
Didn’t recognize you
without the cash register.
Hi, Adam.
[ Speaks Spanish ]
What the hell
are you doing here?
I was about to ask you
the same thing.
– It’s my store.
– Come on. Let’s go.
Sorry, Mr. Davies.
Wait, wait, wait. Actually,
I’m really glad you’re here.
‘Cause you haven’t been home
for a while, and you definitely
were not at my graduation.
Look, I don’t wanna
get into this
with you right now.
Come on. It’s time to go.
Juanita, is he paying–
I hope he’s paying you
overtime for this,
’cause you do have rights.
You should call your union.
Well, welcome back home.
[ Engine Turns Off ]
[ Father ]
Bet you’re excited.

[ Sighs ]
Well, let’s have
a little look-see here.
There she is! Hi!
[ Cackling ]
Hey, Mom.
She’s home!
Oh, look at that.
That’s just a crime. Oh!
Welcome back, baby.
Oh, thanks, Mom.
Oh, I’m so glad
you’re home.

[ Chuckles, Grunts ]
Uh, Dad, that’s gotta
get into the shop.
Uh, I’m not so sure.
What are you doing?
I’m just looking it over.
Gonna be all right.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
You– You’re not thinking
about fixing this yourself,
are you?
Yeah. Just have some faith
in my abilities, honey.
Usually there’s a spot,
if I can just hear it.
But– Dad!
You’ve never
fixed a car before.
At one point, I’d never
roundhouse-kicked a man
in the neck before either.
Now I do it every Wednesday.
My mind’s like
a sea sponge, honey.
When the synapses get going
in Walter Malby’s mind–
boom, boom, boom–
It’s gonna be fun.
Don’t worry about the car.
I got it.
I got
the car covered.
[ Groans ]
Let me give you
a hand there, Adam.

Good. Look at you.
You’re a self-starter.
Walter! Walter! Walter! Walter!
Watch your step there.
You should wear work gloves.
There’s a derby!
There’s a boxcar derby!
Can we make a boxcar?
– Not now. Not now.
– Pretty please?
The derby’s next month!
Can we make a boxcar?
– Oh, geez.
[ Meows ]
Son of a bitch.
[ Sniffs ]
Look at that.
I knew it. Son of a bitch.
Third time. Third G.D. time!

Goddamn it. That’s it.
Where are you going?
Look at this. I gotta–
Walter, no. Don’t.
Dad, come back.
We could go home and clean it.
No. I gotta talk to him.
I’ll talk to this guy.

You don’t need to
disturb him. I mean–
He’s not home.
I know he’s not working.
I don’t think he has a job.
Goddamn it. Where is he?
[ Sighs ]
[ Meows ]
[ Sniffs ]
[ Exhales ]
Hey. Hey. Hey.
Your cat has now
crapped on my doorstep,
in my yard,
and now on my driveway,
which around here…
is like church to me.
Okay? That’s sanctuary.
I’m really sorry, sir.
I am–
I’ll talk to him.
Yeah. I’ll talk to him.
See you later.
♪♪ [ Rock Intro ]
[ Door Closes ]
Today you are getting a job.
you’re getting a job.
[ Man ]
♪ What do you say ♪

♪ When people turn you away ♪
♪ Do you just turn your back ♪
♪ And quickly walk away ♪
♪ Bah, bah
bah-da-da, da, da ♪

♪ Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da ♪
♪ Bah, bah
bah-da-da, da, da ♪

♪ Bah, bah, bah-da-da, da ♪
The bottom line is,
what I lack in experience,
I make up for in vision.
And what I don’t know–
I make up for with passion.
♪ My world
it’s on fire now ♪

♪ My world
is turned upside down ♪

♪ And I don’t know
what to do ♪

♪ Without you ♪
I’m driven. Full of ideas.
I’m upbeat.
Most importantly,
I am incredibly enthusiastic–
About the work
your company is doing.
Really? Like what?
♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]
[ Screaming ]
♪ Don’t give me a hard time ♪♪
Hunter, I hate
getting these calls.

What did I tell you about
licking the kids’ heads?
Don’t do it.
That’s right. Ever.
I mean, I know you like the way
it tastes, but some kids don’t
like having their heads licked.
How’d it go?
I asked the V.P.
if she was pregnant.
No. She was just fat.
Well, that’s hard sometimes.
I’m gonna call my friend Betty
from high school. She owns
an indie publishing company.
I’m gonna
ask her for a favor.
I’m just gonna do it.
Dad already called her.
Betty’s dead.
She died.
That’s a shame.
[ Cell Phone Rings ]
What is it?
[ Sighs ]
– Oh, my God.
– What?
♪♪ [ Organ ]
What do you guys think?
This one?
Or that little mahogany number
I was in earlier?
Hey, Hunter, come here.
What do you think of Grandma
spending her eternal slumber
in this one, huh?
[ Chuckles ]
I love it!
Let’s talk about
casket ornamentation.
Yes. Casket ornamentation
adds a personal touch
many families find comforting.
And we offer a variety
of custom corners
and commemorative panels…
to highlight
a loved one’s passions.
Whatever you want,
you could put it right there
on your commemorative panel.
It’ll be right with you
through the afterlife.
I’m just not sure
about all this.
Thank you.
Really? What do I have
to do to put you in
one of my coffins today?
How about a little
magnesium seepage
protection system?
That’s $18,000.
That’s the exact same corrosion
and rust technology that
protects our Alaskan pipeline.
– That’s what that is.
– [ Chuckles ]
That’s $18,000.
You know,
she’s absolutely right.
I mean, why spend
all that money…
when there’s probably
a nice local ditch somewhere…
you could take me to
and dump me in for free?
Oh, Maureen,
we’d never do that.
[ Scoffs, Chuckles ]
[ Floorboards Creak ]
[ Shouts ]
[ Yelps, Gasps ]
No, no, no, no! No!
[ Clattering ]
♪♪ [ Latin Pop ]
♪♪ [ Man Singing In Spanish ]
♪♪ [ Continues ]
♪♪ [ Fades, Ends ]
Special delivery.
I got a cell phone,
credit card,
student loan
and, last but not least,
one more little item…
I thought you might wanna see.
Look at that.
Come on!
Got an idea.
Since it concerns your future,
I need you to pay attention.
You listening?
No. Dad–
Listen to me.
Listen to me. Ready?
Yeah. Belt buckles.
Million-dollar niche business.
They’re going crazy
on the Internet.
Who do you think
met a distributor,
is gonna start his own company?
But, Dad, what about
The Luggage Shack? They just
made you regional manager.
You gotta think
big picture here.
You gotta have vision.
You know what I’m saying?
You just gotta see the–
And since none of
this other crap
is really working out for you–
More than likely…
gonna need a vice president.
[ Groans ]
[ Walter ] You go out there
and drum up some business.

[ Groaning ]
Come on. Let’s go out there
and put some buckles on belts.
What do you say?

[ Grunts ]
♪♪ [ Acoustic Guitar ]
Are you ever gonna
actually open that?
It’s made a long journey
from New York.
I’m letting it breathe.
You know, Adam,
if you don’t wanna go–
Don’t give me that shit.
It’s not like
I’m gonna force you.
No, you’re just
gonna hate me if I don’t.
No, I’m not gonna hate you.
I just want more for you.
Do you wanna be like me?
You wanna come home from work
11:00 at night?
Save your whole life
so you can afford the mortgage
on a place like this?
I’m going to bed.
[ Chattering ]
♪♪ [ Rock, Indistinct ]
Seriously, yeah.
It’s a very funny thing,
you know.

People keep calling me, but I’m
like, “Thanks, but I’m working
for Happerman & Browning.
Make me a better offer,
we’ll talk.”
So what are you guys doin’?
Why, sure.
Charles Schwab, baby!
I’m moving to San Jose…
Oh, nice, man.
– You’re going to–
– Pharmacy school, next month.
-Yeah, so what are you doing?
What’s your deal?
-I got into Columbia. We’ll see.
Do it. Stay out of the workforce
as long as you can.

Ryden, what about you?
What are you up to?
I just–
You know,
I’ve been interviewing.
A lot. And, um,
just had some really
amazing opportunities,
and just keeping
my options open.
So what you’re saying
is you’re unemployed.
I feel like such a loser.

Everyone is doing something
with their lives,
and I just turn out to be
this big, pathetic loser.
Come on.
No. I don’t want
your pity hug.
Come on. Ryden.
[ Sighs ]
It’s okay, you poor, poor,
no-talent screw-up.
[ Stammers ]
Oh, shut up!
You can joke about it.
You already got
into law school.
So, you’re set.
You’re good. Whatever.
Yeah, maybe I’m set
and I’m good, but does that mean
I’m gonna be happy?
Come here.
Screw you.
I’m not going in.
You don’t have to go in.
come out here
so I can tell you something.
– I don’t think two people
can be on this thing.
– Quit bitching and come here.
[ Sighs ]
– Come all the way to the edge.
– What?
I’m celebrating.
I’m opening at The Mint
on Friday.
– You are?
– Yeah.
– Shut up! Really?
– Yeah.
Adam, so you’re
going into music then.
Why don’t you just say that?
Well, because I’m not
saying that necessarily.
So you’re going
to law school?
No, I’m not
saying that either necessarily.
Then what are
you saying, necessarily?
I don’t know what I’m saying.
All I’m saying
is that I’m opening
at The Mint on Friday. Yea!
Look, you got
the hard part figured out.
You know what you wanna do.
Now you can just spend
the rest of your life
going after it.
This one’s popular
with all the college kids.
And this one–
No, no.
If you like ’em,
you sell ’em all,
I got plenty more–
even higher quality.
That’s fantastic.
– Almost unbelievable.
– I am Hugo, the vampire.
Not now, Hugo.
Then help me
build my boxcar.
I’m doing business now.
Doing business.
It’s so lifelike.
It is. That’s real snake.

All made right here
in the country?

– All here.
Geez, that’s fantastic. I’ll
call you about the rest of them.
All right, buddy.
Thank you.
All right.
Hey, who was that guy?
Here, honey.
Grab that box for me,
would you?
Carry it inside.
That’s Gary.
Gary the Buckle Man.
So these are the buckles, huh?
Yep, first shipment.
Hey. Question.
As vice president,
how would you
like to spearhead
the marketing campaign?
The marketing campaign?
Yeah. You know,
ads and slogans and,
you know,
maybe some clever ideas
for some of the buckles, like–
I don’t know.
What do we got here?
Look at this. Look at that
one there. That could be the–
like, the Cobra, you know?
Or, uh–
I don’t know. Here.
Look– Here.
This could be the–
It’s just the flag of Delaware.
I don’t know.
But you know what I mean.
Just some thoughts. Just ideas.
You know what I want…
as vice president, Dad?
I want my car back.
I want to stop having
to call a taxi every time
I have to leave the house.
I told you. The part hasn’t
come in from the factory yet.
It’s– It’s a curveball.
You’re gonna
get thrown curveballs.
Life and work are like baseball.
You can’t rest at the plate.
You gotta keep trying.
But I am trying hard.
I mean, I– I am scouring
the job market.
I– I am. I’m getting up early,
and I’m searching
for something, anything,
to get my foot in the door.
And do you have any clue
what these interviews are like?
I mean, I’m constantly
having to gauge
how I’m coming across…
all the while
without a consistent form
of transportation…
because you turned my car
into your latest
science project.
So I really don’t need to hear
that I’m not trying right now.
Well, maybe you’re setting
your sights too high.
Oh, really?
Well, where do you think
I should be setting my sights?
[ Sighs ]
If you just
give this one a chance,
I know you’re gonna love it.
You just have to open it up,
get in there,
check out all the pockets.
Ma’am? Sir?
[ Sighs ]
It’s on clearance!
Eye contact. Remember?
We talked about it.
You gotta bring ’em in. Okay?
Honey, come on.
You gotta have
a positive attitude if you want
to sell the suitcases.
Here. Let me show you something.
Hey, how you doing?
– Fine.
– You headed out of town,
if you don’t mind me asking?
Really? Where you going?
– Maui.
– Oh, wow!
Hawaii. That’s fantastic.
You going there
for business, pleasure?
No, don’t say business.
Don’t say business.
Say pleasure. Who go–
Why do you ask me
the question then?
I’m try– Here. Look.
Let me show you, honey.
Do a little demonstration,
you know, right in here.
Like this.
You point at the wheels
or something, you know.
It’s like, you know what? Those
girls from Deal or No Deal.
You do that.
Maybe not so slutty,
but show with a hand thing.
Here. Go ahead.
Remember– eye contact.
Look at the wheels.
There you go.
Look how they roll.
Oh, it’s so nice.
Here we go. Hot potato.
Right here. Right here.
Are you in the market
for some lug–
Oh, crap!
– I didn’t know you worked here
at The Luggage Shack.
– I don’t work here.
I, um–
It’s– It’s temporary.
Um, how’s Happerman & Browning?
Uh, great.
Really, really great.
They’re sending me to New York
next week for a conference.
Hence the need
for a new briefcase.
Sounds so great.
Yeah, I saw one over here
last week that I loved.
Let me take a look
at that black one.
Up there?
Yeah. Um–
There we go.
Ah– You know what?
I want to take a look
at the one right next to it.
Nope. I gotta trust
my instincts on this one.

I’m saying no to that one.
I’m going back to the original.
You know, things
are moving outlandishly quick
for me right now.
Unbelievably fast.
I’ll need a good team.
I need people around me
I can trust.
This is a no.
Let me take a look
at this gray one here.
I thought
you wanted a briefcase.
I’m gonna need both.
Lot of traveling.
That’s the one.
You know, Ryden, I think
we’ve got really good synergy,
you and I.
I know you’re in
a tough place right now,
but I want you to remember
that struggle and strife
come before success.
Even in the dictionary.
[ Chuckles ]
I’m not gonna take this one.
Can I see that black one
up there?
You know what?
Dad! All yours!
Hunty, can’t ride
Mama’s shoe when she’s
trying to make waffles.
Come on, honey.
Go play. Go.
– Ride like the wind.
– [ Sighs ]
What do you want, Maureen?
Hunter is
a very unique little boy.

I don’t want you to coddle him.
I am not coddling him, okay?
I’m just a little concerned…
that he’s weird.
Well, of course he’s weird!
He’s a Malby.
Weird is good.
Weird indicates
a creative force.
[ Mother ]
You have no idea what
I go through, okay? Trust me.

Hey, come on. I wanna
show you something. Come on.
♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum
bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
It is time.
♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum, bum
bum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Bum ♪
♪ Bum ♪
♪ Bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum, bum
bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪♪
No way.
It’s really fixed?
Yeah, man.
Your dad doesn’t
jerk around.
Watch this. Crack this hood.
Take a look at this.
Now I’m gonna go
fire her up.
Look under the engine
and let me know what happens.
I wasn’t happy with the timing,
so I tweaked it a little bit.
Think I got her
where I like her.
[ Engine Starting ]
Ah, it’s great! Hey!
[ Cat Meows ]
Just a little bit more.
[ Tires Squeal ]
[ Walter ]

[ Cat Screeches ]
[ Thud ]
It just isn’t fair.
There you are, this poor,
little, innocent thing
that wouldn’t hurt a fly,
and then one day
you’re murdered
by my own son.
It was an accident.
Why didn’t you tell me
to look behind me?
How is this my fault?
Hon, you always have to
keep your eyes open.
Scanning. Constantly scanning.
– You told me
to look at the engine.
– Can’t do two things at once?
This is ridiculous.
You– You hated that cat.
– Shh. Keep your voice down.
– You did say something about
wanting to flatten the cat.
Okay, okay.
All right. Fine.

– It was a goddamn accident.
– Either way, somebody
has to tell the neighbor.
All right.
Geez. I can’t believe–
Look out.
Look out. Oh, God.
[ Squishes ]
God– Jesus.
Goddamn. Even in death!
Ryden, go with him.
What? No!
Come on, honey.
Look at him.
Mmm, all right.
Oh, no, honey, don’t do that.
Oh, Hunter, don’t do that.
No, no.
[ Knocks In Rhythm ]
Why would you do that?
Do what?
That knock.
Of all the knocks,
that one?
That one is the one
you think best says,
“Sorry we killed your cat”?
[ Chuckling ]
“Of all the knocks”?
What do you mean,
“Of all the knocks”? How many
knocks do you think there are?
No, seriously.
How many knocks
do you think there are?
Let’s just
make this brief, okay?
All right.
Cat’s dead.
– [ Ryden Sighs ]
– [ Clicks Teeth ]
Ran over him on accident.
We’re really sorry. Um–
We didn’t mean
for it to happen.

Where is he?
♪♪ [ Piano Intro ]
♪ Midnight ♪
♪ Not a sound
from the pavement ♪

– Let’s part the way. Please.
♪ Has the moon lost her memory ♪
♪♪ [ Walter Whistling ]
♪ She is smiling alone ♪
♪ In the lamplight ♪
♪ The withered leaves
collect at my feet ♪
What is that?
[ Grunts ]
♪ And the wind ♪
♪ Begins to moan ♪
– ♪ Memory ♪
– [ Sighs ]
♪ All alone in the moonlight ♪
♪ I can smile at the old days ♪
– There. All right.
♪ I was beautiful then ♪
♪ I remember ♪
– Ooh, sorry.
♪ The time I knew ♪
♪ What happiness was ♪
♪ Let the memory ♪
♪ Live again ♪
– All right. All right.
♪ Every streetlamp ♪
[ Grunts ]
♪ Seems to beat ♪
♪ A fatalistic ♪
♪ Warning ♪♪
[ Tape Stops ]
Well, I gotta roll.
So, uh,
if you need anything–
Come on. Up. Up.
here’s my card.
Okay? Okeydokey.
Listen, I’m really sorry
about all this.
I– [ Sighs ]
Well, I can’t tell you
how sorry I am, I mean,
about your poor cat
and this–
Do you want some breakfast?
What, right now?
It’s almost dinnertime.
Best time for pancakes.
Do you like pancakes?
One more?
No, I’m good, thanks.
I’m full.
Do you not like my pancakes?
I love your pancakes,
but I’m stuffed.
All right.
All right.
All right.
[ Chuckles ]
No, no, no, no.
You go sit.
Don’t worry.
I’ll take care of it.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, it’s weird.
I’ve never seen the inside
of this house before.
Yeah. Kind of unimpressive,
isn’t it?
No, it looks
exactly like ours, actually.
Except you have cooler stuff.
Yeah, yeah.
I direct infomercials.

So I end up
taking everything home.

Like this.
What is this?
Well, a couch.
That’s a couch?
[ Whirring ]
♪♪ [ Humming ]
Uno, dos, tres, cuatro,
Super light.
[ Exhales ]
And can even be used
as a flotation device
in case of a flood.
Let’s see. I, um–
I have no car,

I, uh, lost my job
peddling luggage,
and I now
live with my parents.
All right. Living the dream.
That’s great.
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah, this whole
postgraduation thing…
is not exactly turning out
the way I planned.
I just thought I’d be doing
something amazing by now.
Or at least doing something.
Right. Hmm.
Well, listen.
I know it doesn’t solve
the problem, but if you need
something temporary,
we could always use
an extra P.A. on set.
You know, the hours are crap,
and the money is
very, very bad, but…
it will get you
out of the house.
Yeah, that would be good.
– You got a job.
– Thanks.
But now…
I think it’s time for you…
to start thinking
about the good things.
Like what?
your ears.
My ears?
Yeah, you’ve got
incredible ears.
You know how some people
have that– that droop,
that sort of tragic
dangling earlobe thing?
Yours– not so, no.
Not a single–
Just don’t know why
you had to give him
those cookies.
We’ll buy more cookies.
You know
they’re my favorites.
Where’s Ryden?
She’s paying
her condolences.
[ Ryden Moans ]
[ Ryden Chuckles ]
[ Both Gasp ]
Fuck me!
Well, I would,
but somebody beat me to it.
Listen. Dad, I know
that was a little bit
awkward, but I–
I just hope you used one.
One what?
Used something–
That you used something.
Used a–
You know what I’m–
Used a rubber
or something like that.
Oh, uh–
But we didn’t, uh–
‘Cause I’m gonna
tell you something.
Herpes isn’t a picnic.
It’s not a river-rafting trip
either, like they want you
to think on that commercial.
River rafting?
Everybody’s having fun
with their herpes out there.
You know what?
“Ix-nay” on the “oodle-day.”
That’s it.
You know what I mean.
I don’t want you near that–
Don’t– Just stay away
from the whole…
pen– penile area.
Don’t even see him anymore.
Don’t even see him anymore.
That’s it.
You can’t see him anymore.
Or what?
What are you gonna do,
ground me?
I’m 22 years old.
Oh, really?
Well, you’re forgetting
you live in my house.
Well, trust me.
I’m doing everything I can
to change that.
[ Doorbell Rings ]
[ Ringing Continues ]
My name’s Bill.
And I’m a little upset,
to say the least,
if you know what I mean.
Someone stole two boxes
of my Buckle-O-Bill
belt buckles.
World renowned,
uniquely crafted.
Word on the street
is you’re trying to sell ’em.
[ Scoffs ]
You talking about this?
This here?
No, no, no.
I bought this legit
from Gary the Buckle Man.
I don’t know
Gary the Buckle Man!
I know you’re trying to take
food out of my kid’s mouth.
I don’t even have a kid.
But if I did,
you’re taking his food!
I want my buckle!
Hey! Hey!
I need at least three feet
of personal space here.
It’s my buckle!
I’m gonna paralyze you!
[ Exhales ]
Crazy, man.
It’s my Delaware!
Two fingers. Two.
That’s all it takes.
I will call the cops, man!
[ Man ]
♪ I don’t know ♪

♪ Where I belong ♪
♪ And I don’t know ♪
♪ Where I should go ♪
Wait. So, you’re
gonna be a P.A. now?
It’s just temporary.
Our neighbor hooked it up.
Wait. Rico Suave
from across the street?
That old dude who wears
the low-rise jeans?
What? He’s 34.
He’s not that old.
Very specific information
you have there.
♪♪ [ Continues, Indistinct ]
So, uh, tomorrow night?
[ Ryden ] Yeah?
I wrote a little
“something something” for you.
For me?
Oh, yeah.
Shut up!
Yeah, you want
a little sneak preview?
[ Exhales ]
♪ Ryden is beautiful
It’s true ♪
♪ ‘Cause she’s got eyes
of blue ♪
♪ But then one day
I tried to kiss you ♪
♪ And you said
Oh, n-n-no ♪
[ Laughing ]
[ Ryden ]
You’re an idiot.

You love me.
Anyway, so here’s the deal.
Tomorrow night, me, you–
that dress.
[ Laughs ]
Zip me.
Uh, yeah. Um–
So, first of all, I’m just
gonna rock the socks off
everyone at that show.
Second, you’re gonna throw
your bra onstage, just
scream like a little girl.
[ Chuckles ]
Um– There.
And third,
we’re gonna go out
to a big, fancy dinner.
Multiple forks–
We are?
To, uh, celebrate your new
quasi job thing.
Just to celebrate?
That sounds fun.
Uh, it sounds…
is what it sounds like.
♪♪ [ Guitar: Spanish ]
[ Man ] Making guacamole
for your family…

or just for yourself
used to be a fight.

But now,
with the Guacanator–
the Guacanator 3000–
making guacamole is as easy
as uno, dos, tres!
♪♪ [ Continues ]
♪♪ [ Man Exclaims ]
Senor Avocado– he no stand
a chance against the grips
of the Guacanator.
♪♪ [ Continues ]
The only assault will be
against your taste buds!
Got it. Got it.
Okay, cut!

[ Bell Rings ]
Okay, I got it.
All right.
[ Man #2 ] And we’re clear.
This mustache is crap.
The hairs are going in my mouth.
I can swear
I swallowed a couple.
Oh, I’m sorry.
We’ll take care of that
in a sec, all right?
Okay, everyone,
take five.

[ Woman ]
Take a fiver.

There she is.
How’s the first day going?
As shitty as I promised?
It’s not so bad.
Well, just wait.
Ah. Psst. Bro. Hey, bro!
Yo, dude.
Can I talk to you
for a second before
you shoot anything else?
Well, this should be fun.
[ Man ]
The script is like a road map,
but the road map–

Can you talk to the catering
people? The meat on this
sandwich smells like ass-crack.
– Oh, okay.
– First of all,
you’re really close.
So, congrats. Bones.
Awesome. Sweet.
We’re getting so close,
but I just wanna go
from the top.
A couple things
to make this double awesome.
Give me more Mexican.
I gotta get more Mexican.
You know what I mean?
I gotta– Oh! I wanna be
on or across the border.
You know what I mean?
“Mexi-can.” Not “Mexi-can’t”
or “Mexi-could.” “Mexi-can.”
Like any of that flavor,
literally and figuratively,
into it.
All right.
Second of all,
your shots are boring, bro.
Seriously. Here’s an idea.
Did you ever see The Matrix?
Movie about, like,
alternative reality.
Okay, that shot–
Keanu’s, like, up in the air–
Bam! He’s in the air. Freeze.

360-degree shot–
Bam, bam, bam, bam.
[ Whooshes ]
Remember what I’m saying?
Yeah, like that.
That’s exciting. That’s awesome.
But check this out.
Instead of Keanu,
it’s the Guacanator
is up in the air, and you shoot
around it, like, 360, 720.
Like, change the axis.
Like, people are totally
gonna blow minds.
Matrix. That’s
a great idea. Yeah.
Thank you. I wasn’t fishing
for that. I appreciate it.
Maybe while I’m at it,
I could–
Bring it. Bring it.
Maybe we could hoist it
up on a cross,
and we have The Passion
of the Guacamole.

Okay. I get it.
Do you think that’s funny?
I think you’re an idiot.
And I quit.
Told you– Hollywood.
Can you hear me?
Let’s go.
I think I have
the wrong channel.
Let’s go.
Hey. Hey, catch.
Hey, whatever.
All right,
I’m gonna shoot this.
Can you put him
back in the ring?
I got an idea.

You’re fired!
Thank you!
[ Man ]
♪ She don’t know who she is ♪

♪ Oh, I can take her
anywhere ♪

[ Exhales ]
For years
I had to deal with
this kind of stupidity.
Come on.
Can you believe it?
I mean, you can’t imagine
how many times I just wanted
to walk off set like that.

My God, I just
walked off set.
Yeah. [ Laughs ]
And it looks like
I just lost another job.
[ Exhales ]
That feels good.
That feels great!
♪ With you eventually ♪
♪♪ [ Man Vocalizing ]
♪ ‘Cause I am always where
I need to be ♪

♪ And I always thought ♪
[ Grunts ]
Come on.
♪ I would end up with you
eventually ♪

Olé! Olé!
♪♪ [ Man Vocalizing ]
♪♪ [ Fades ]
Can we go?
You guys ready?

Where’s your guy?
Who’s your singer?
Yeah, he’s right behind you.
Hey, man, you’re on.
[ Crowd Chattering ]
[ Hands Clap ]
You guys good?
[ Mutters ]
So, my name is Adam Davies.
I hope this doesn’t make
anyone too uncomfortable,
but I’m completely naked
under these clothes.
– [ Laughter ]
– This song is for someone…
I, um, care about a lot.
♪♪ [ Soft Folk ]
♪ I’m counting
the streetlights ♪
♪ It’s all I can do ♪
♪ While driving
myself crazy ♪
♪ Trying to get to you ♪
♪ Feels wrong
at the right times ♪
♪ To reveal my hand ♪
♪ I’m doing the worst I can ♪
♪ To make you understand ♪
♪ Maybe one day
you will know ♪
♪ How hard it is for me to ♪
♪ Show my heart ♪
♪ With all the love ♪
♪ Running through my soul ♪
♪ Maybe one day
you will know ♪♪
[ Laughing ]
You know what I thought
when I met you?
[ Groans ]
Aside from the incredible ears,
she’s smart and stunning.
[ Laughing ]
Absolutely stunning.
But there was
something else.
I just saw a girl
that has the whole world
at her fingertips,
and she doesn’t even know it.
[ Mutters ]
[ Sighs ]
Good night.
Oh, my God.
Oh, I’m such an idiot.
I completely forgot.
It’s cool.
Oh, I’m so sorry.
How was it?
Fine, good– I–
And our dinner–
I missed our fancy dinner.
You’re getting overly
worked up about this,
Ryden. It’s–
It’s cool.
Besides, you were
clearly busy with…
Pelé from across
the street.
Oh, no, he–
We were at work,
and then there was this big
blowup, so we left, but it was–
I’ll see you later.
What are you doing?
What does it look like?
Just let me explain.
What exactly
needs explanation?
The fact that I’ve been
waiting around like a moron,
hoping that one day you’ll
actually feel about me
the way I feel about you?
Or the fact
that you’re so obsessed
with your future…
that y-you completely forget
about everyone that you’re
supposed to give a shit about?
I’m not waiting anymore.
I’m done.
I may not know exactly
what my future looks like,
but I do know one thing.
You’re not in it.
[ Door Closes ]
[ Exhales ]
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Gasps ]
[ Police Radio Chatter ]
…say can and will be used
against you, okay?
I didn’t know they were hot.
You have the right
to an attorney.
Bought them on the Internet.
Can’t afford one, one will be
provided to you by the state.
This is so stupid. I can’t–
Didn’t have to be this way.
[ Mother ]
Grab your brother.
Get him in the car.

Come on, honey.
Come on. Let’s go
get in the car.
I had absolutely nothing
to do with this.
You can ask anybody,
and they’ll tell you.
I hate crime.
It’s okay. It’s okay.
[ Door Closes ]
[ Siren Wailing In Distance ]
The good news is your husband
doesn’t have any priors.
The bad news is we’re gonna
have to hold him.
Trafficking stolen property
is no small crime.
The bail won’t be set
till tomorrow.
You’re keeping him overnight?
But he’s not a criminal.
He’s just a moron.
That’s the breaks.
I told you.
I told you in 1976.
Do not marry Walter Malby.
He’s your son.
And I did the best I could
with what I had.
[ Phone Beeps ]
Yeah, well,
your best effort is in jail
till tomorrow morning.
Hey. Pick up.
I’ve called you 80 times.
I’m really, really sorry.
I– Call me back.
[ Phone Beeps ]
Where’s Dad?
I wanna go home.
Try and have a good one,
all right?
[ Whispering ]
Mrs. Malby? Miss?
[ Laughs ]
Yes? Yes?
Hey, morning. How you doing?
Hi. Morning.
Um, so, basically,
in order to bail him out,
you’re looking at 15,000 bucks.

Oh, my God. What?
Or he stays in the slammer
until the trial.
Oh, God.
Well, let’s go home.
Cough it up.
Cough what up?
Pay the man
your son’s bail money.
[ Scoffs ]
Are you crazy?
You think if I had
that kind of dough
I’d be living with you?
Cut the baloney,
Maureen. Please.
I know you have money.
I know you sew it
into your panty hose.
And I know you’ve got it
under your mattress…
and shoved up inside
every shoe in your closet.

Pay the man.
Why can’t my family
just love me for my soul…
instead of
my meager possessions
and my bank account?
Well, I love
your soul, Grandma.
[ Pills Rattling ]
[ Clears Throat ]
Okay, um–
Will you take a check,
or do you want the green stuff?
♪♪ [ Woman Vocalizing ]
♪♪ [ Woman Singing,
Indistinct ]

I’m free!
I’m free!
Look at the sky.
Can you see
how blue the sky is?
This entire experience
has transformed me.
I am a new man.
The old Walter is dead.
But the new Walter
wants to say how much
I love you guys.
I’m a new man,
and we’re a new family.
I mean, look,
we have our problems.
What family doesn’t?

I know I get to be bullheaded.
And, you know, Ryden here
is essentially unemployable.
Hunter licks people, and…
Grandma’s very, very,
very… kind.
So kind.
But, no matter what,
we’re a family.
We’re a real family.

We’re the Malbys, damn it.
From now on,
it’s Malby time.
Malby! Malby! Malby!
[ All ]
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby! Malby!
[ Hunter ]
Malby! Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby! Malby!
[ Sighs ]
[ Chanting Continues ]
[ Chattering, Indistinct ]
That’s all right, honey.
I’ll just take a cab
over to the curb.
[ Hunter ] Malby!
[ Maureen ] Grab my purse.
My purse.
Did you leave it at
the police station, Maureen?
– No, I didn’t leave–
I thought you had it.
[ Phone Ringing ]
[ Mother ]
I don’t have your purse.

[ Woman ]
I’m looking for Ryden Malby.
That’s me.
This is Barbara Snaff
from Happerman & Browning.
Listen, the position
you interviewed for
just came available again.
You wanna fire me? Fine.
I don’t care.
I’m gonna own this town.
And I’m gonna come back,
and I’m gonna take you down.
Wait– Wait, are you serious?
You’re offering me the job?
Yes. Absolutely.
When can you start?
The job is yours if you want it.
Absolutely, yes.
Great. I’ll have
my assistant call you
with all the details.
Thank you.
She’s not there anymore.
Guys, I got the job!
I got the job!
Does it pay? Does it pay?
– Yeah, it pays!
Malby! Malby!
[ All ]
Malby! Malby!
Malby! Malby!
She got a job!
[ Line Ringing ]
Yo, it’s Adam.
You know what to do.
[ Beep ]
Silent treatment.
I get it.
Very fifth grade of you.
But very effective.

[ Sighs ]
Please call me. Please?

[ Line Ringing ]
Yo, it’s Adam.
You know what to do.
[ Beep ]
All right.
Just… call me
when you’re ready.
[ Beeps ]
Yo, yo.
[ Chattering ]
– I got him. I got him.
– [ Laughing ]
[ Man ]
Yeah, yeah, go. Go, Adam.
Take it in. Take it in.

[ Man #2 ]

Nice shot.
All right.
Check ball.
♪♪ [ Jingle:
“Pop Goes the Weasel” ]

I’m open right here.
♪♪ [ Continues,
Out Of Tune ]
[ Laughter ]
[ Ryden On Loudspeaker ]
Someone once told me
that every…
evil, horrible thing
in the world…
can be directly
counteracted by
the joy of a simple dessert.
I’m really sorry, Adam.
I know you don’t wanna talk to
me, but I really have something
to tell you. I wish you–
Hold on a second.
If you don’t forgive me,
I will follow you…
everywhere you go, playing
this extremely annoying song…

till you slowly go insane.
Okay. Just make it stop.
[ Music Off ]
How do you steal
an ice cream truck?

My dad knows a guy
that knows a guy, so–
[ Clicks Tongue ]
Of course.
I’m good.
I’m so sorry
I flaked on you, Adam.
You would never do anything
like that to me.
And I’ve been thinking
a lot about–
I accept your apology.
Wait. You have to let me
get this out.
I have been thinking a lot
about what you said,
and I think you just–
maybe you just threw me
Look, it’s fine.
Really, it’s–
It’s all good.
I’m just–
You know, I’m in
the middle of a game.
Well, wait.
Um, do you wanna,
I don’t know,
hang out later? Um–
Oh, we could celebrate,
’cause I didn’t get a chance
to tell you,
but I got that job
at Happerman & Browning.
That’s awesome.
Uh, I–
But I can’t get together later,
’cause I kind of need to pack.
Yeah. Uh–
Look, I didn’t get
a chance to tell you,
but I decided
to go to Columbia.
And I’m leaving tomorrow.
What? You’re going
to law school?
In New York?
That’s… so great.
Yeah, I think it’ll be–
I think it’ll be good.
Look, I promise
I’ll call you…
as soon as I get
settled in, okay?
Let’s go.
[ Man ]
Come on, Adam. Ball in.
Ball in. Ball in.

[ Man #2 ]
Hold up.

[ Men Chattering ]
[ Adam ]
Our ball.

All right.
Our ball.
Check it up.
Check it up, Adam.

Our ball.
All right.
[ Inhales, Exhales ]
[ Inhales, Exhales ]
Hi. I’m Ryden Malby.
The new assistant
to the editor. Yes.
One sec. I’ll get Lloyd.
[ Phone Beeps ]
I’ve got Ryden.

Well, here it is.
Home, sweet home.
That’s the mail cart.
Great. Well, perfect.
Is there any material
you want me to start
to read or–
No. Reading’s
on your own time.
Jessica was a shit filer,
so we’re a little backed up
on submissions.
I see that.
What happened
to Jessica anyway?
Well, we had a little bit
of a misunderstanding,
she and I.
You see, I thought that she
worked for me. She thought
she was running the company.
Sounds like Jessica.
Ready to go?
I’ll get right on it.
You know you’re gonna have
to enter every one of these
into the database, right?
Absolutely. Yeah.
Of course.
[ Sighs ]
[ Woman ]
♪ A picture paints
a thousand words ♪

♪ As one door closes
another door opens ♪

♪ And two wrongs
don’t make a right ♪

♪ Now, good things come
to those who wait ♪

♪♪ [ Continues ]
Okay. I’ve got it
right here.
My life is a shit-storm.
I got way too much crap
to keep in my own brain.
So, what do I do?
♪ Say what you say ♪
I think those two books
are totally different.
♪ Do what you do ♪
Different enough.
♪ Feel what you feel
as long as it’s real ♪

♪ I said take what you take ♪
♪ And give what you give
Just be what you want ♪

♪ Just as long as it’s real ♪♪
[ Panting ]
[ Raspy Voice ]
When are you gonna
build my boxcar?
Get the puppet
out of my face.
[ Normal Voice ] Come on.
All the other kids’ dads
are practically done.
Fine. Forget it.
Wait a minute.
[ Panting ]
When’s that race again?
Go get your mother,
your grandmother.
We need every able-bodied
man we can get. Go.
Just move all my Thursday
appointments to Friday.
Oh, and you’re gonna
wanna get some
beauty sleep this weekend,
’cause I want you to sit in
on the Asia conference
on Monday morning.
Oh, great. I’d love to.
That’d be great.
Oh, you forgot one.
Sign and date. There.
Oh. Okay.
All right.
“Buenos nachos.”
Good night.
Hey, try to get out of here
by 9:00 tonight, will you?
All right.
[ Woman ]
♪ Far, far ♪

♪ There’s this little girl ♪
[ Whistling ]
♪ She was praying for something
to happen to her ♪

♪ The reality looks far now
but don’t go ♪

♪ How can you stay outside ♪
♪ There’s a beautiful mess
inside ♪

♪ How can you stay outside ♪
♪ There’s a beautiful mess
inside ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm ♪♪
I got this job–
this incredible job.
And I’m working my ass off.
But I always expected that.
What are all the boxes for?
Moving back to Brazil.
Are you serious?
Yeah. My life is there.
I haven’t seen my family
in ages.
And I come home
every night to what?
I guess I finally
realized that…
what you do with your life
is really just
one half of the equation.
The other half,
the more important
half really, is…
who you’re with
when you’re doing it.
[ Groans ]
Okay, come on!
Come on.

Come on.
You got plenty of room.
You got miles.
[ Objects Shatter ]
Oh, geez!
Don’t tell me
that’s another cat.
Oh, geez. Hey, keep this
on the down-low, Mom.
It’s one of those goofy gnomes.
Don’t tell Carmella.
Hunty? Come on, Hunty.
– He broke the gnome.
– [ Gasps ]
Oh, sugar.
– Jesus! What’d I just say?
[ Walter ]
Hand me–

What’s going on?
Get dressed.
We’re late.
We need all the manpower
we can get.
[ Hunter ]
But what if I don’t
drive good?

Hey, you’re a Malby.
Driving is in your blood.
Come on. Come on, let’s go.
We gotta go. Come on!
And it’s “drive well,” honey,
not “drive good.”

– Wait. Don’t drive good?
Proper English
is “drive well.”
I want you to drive well.
[ Man On P.A. ]
Ladies and gentlemen,
please turn your attention…

to the starting ramp
for the last event of the day.

This is the one
you’ve been waiting for–

the final race
for the 9th Annual
P.T.A. Boxcar Derby.

Racers and their teams,
please take your marks.

[ All Chattering ]
[ Man ]
Let’s go, Raymond!

[ Man Shouting In Distance ]
All right.
How you feeling?
Look at Hunter!
[ Maureen ]
Go, Hunty!

Go! Go!
Are you focused?
Balls to the wall.
Don’t tell your mom
I said that.
Smoke ’em. Go get ’em.
[ Carmella ]
Balls to the wall, Hunty!

– All right, let’s go!
– [ Whistle Blows ]
Come on! Go!
Dad! Dad!
[ Shouts ] Brake!
Pull the brake back!
The brake!
♪♪ [ Rock ]
Go, Hunter! Go! Go!
[ Crowd Cheering ]
Yeah! Go get ’em!
[ Walter ]

[ Carmella On Bullhorn ]
Walt, watch your ankle!

Go! Go!
[ Man ]
♪ Here’s to you, honey ♪

♪ But I’m out of your league ♪
♪ You’re never gonna pass me ♪
[ Cheering ]
♪ ‘Cause I’m
out of your league ♪
– Go! Get in there!
♪ Looky here, baby ♪
[ Cheering ]
♪ You’re comin’ my way ♪
♪ But I move like a landslide ♪
♪ So I get out of my way
and stay away ♪

♪ Up from the floor
on the count of 10 ♪

♪ Oh, you get up, you get down
and you try again ♪

♪ Up and down and around again ♪
♪ Oh, you get up, you get down
and you try again ♪

♪ Up and down and around again ♪
♪ Oh, you get up, you get
down and you try again ♪

– [ Cheering ]
♪ You get up, you get down
and you try again ♪

♪ Get up, you get down
and you try again ♪

♪ You get up, you get down
and you try again ♪♪
– Yeah!
[ Cheering ]
[ Squeaking ]
[ All Gasping ]
Come on! Let’s go!
Excuse me.
[ Gasps ]
[ Gasps ]
– [ Sighs ]
– [ All Sigh ]
Thank goodness.
You okay?

By the way, you won!
[ Cheering, Laughter ]
Wow! Look at that.
Come on. Up, up.
That’s okay.
Not today.
– That-a-boy.
– Let me see. Let me see.
– It’s so cool.
Look at that.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Mom, Dad–
[ Laughs ]
Sure you don’t wanna get
a little shut-eye and see
how you feel in the morning?
Just out of curiosity though,
do you think I’m making
the right decision?
Well, you know,
ever since you were
a little kid,
you always seemed
to have it figured out.
You know, you made
good grades, you…
kept your room
neat and clean,
you ate your vegetables.
Can I be honest with you?
I always found it
a little troubling.
Because, see, hon,
the world’s a screwy place.
It doesn’t play
by the rules.
So if you’re asking me…
do I think it’s a good idea
for you to, uh,
quit your job,
leave behind the only
family you have…
and travel 3,000 miles…
to a place
you’ve never been before?
I think it’s
the most kick-ass idea
you’ve ever had.
‘Cause I think no matter
where you are,
you’re gonna knock ’em dead.
Thanks, Dad.
♪♪ [ Acoustic Guitar ]
See ya.
Love ya, honey.
Love ya. Bye.
No good-byes.
Just see you later.
You be careful in New York.
There are a bunch
of kookies there.
Okay, I will.
Call me
frequently, okay?
I’ve got you on my speed dial,
and you’re on mine.
[ Woman ]
♪ Show me the world ♪

Okay. Okay, bye.
♪ In the shape
of your looking glass ♪

♪ Beautifully bold
when the colors unfold ♪

[ Laughs ]
♪ Yes, it’s easy to see ♪
♪ But it’s harder to find ♪
♪ And I’m thinkin’ of you ♪
♪ And it’s clear in my mind
so I ♪

♪ Turn, turn, turn ♪
♪ I turn back around ♪
♪ And turn, turn, turn ♪
♪ I turn back around ♪
♪ And I’m eastern bound ♪
♪ Almost let slip
all these words
in my fingertips ♪

♪ Still unaware ♪
♪ Of the pen in my hand
but I’m ♪

♪ Makin’ my way day by day
comin’ back to you ♪

♪ Here, unafraid
of the path that I choose
so I ♪

♪ Turn, turn, turn ♪
♪ I turn back around ♪
♪ And that’s where
you are found ♪♪

[ Rhythmic Knocking ]
Life sucks without you.
I miss you. I–
Well, of course I miss you.
I knew that I would,
but it’s not like a,
“Hey, we had some great times–
you know, keep in touch”
kind of thing.
It’s– It was more like,
“I can’t eat–
I can’t sleep–
I forget what it
feels like to laugh”
kind of thing.
And I really think
that when you left,
you took my heart with you.
I-I probably
should’ve called first.
Oh, whoa. Whoa.
No, no, no. Hold–
Ryden! Whoa!
Where are you–
Where are you going?
Ryden. Ryden, hey.
Wait. Hold up.

Look. Hey. Stop.
All right? Hey.
She’s my R.A.
I was just filling out
a maintenance report.
She’s not–
♪♪ [ Soft Rock ]
I love you.
Well, that’s good.
‘Cause I love you.
[ Man ]
♪ Some kind of magic ♪

[ Laughing ]
♪ Happens late at night ♪
Wanna go inside?
♪ When the moon smiles down
at me ♪

♪♪ [ Continues ]
Hey, Walt, it’s Ryden.
Hey, sweetie-pie.
It’s her machine,
so leave a message.
Oh. Hey, guess who’s coming
for a visit.
We got cheap-ass tickets
on CheapAssTickets-dot-com,
swear to God.
Ask Adam if he’s got
a pull-out, ’cause Grandma’s
got that heinous hump.
‘Cause I don’t wanna have her
suffering more than she–
Stop that!
I don’t have a hump!
Give me that.
I don’t have a hump.
I can sleep anyplace
you wanna put me, Ryden.
And, honey, it’s genetic,
so take your calcium.
And don’t forget
to layer up, okay?
You’re from California.
And remember, condoms
are your best friend.
Oh, you have to–
[ Hunter Chattering ]
[ Laughs ]
Wait, like,
the whole family’s coming?
♪ It’s a brand new day ♪
♪ The sun is shining ♪
♪ It’s a brand new day ♪
♪ For the first time
in such a long, long time ♪

♪ I know ♪
♪ I’ll be okay ♪♪
[ Man ]
♪ I’m counting
the streetlights ♪

♪ It’s all I can do ♪
♪ While driving myself crazy ♪
♪ Trying to get to you ♪
♪ It feels wrong
at the right time ♪

♪ To reveal my hand ♪
♪ It’s like I’m doing
the worst I can ♪

♪ To make you understand ♪
♪ Maybe one day
you will know ♪

♪ How hard it is for me ♪
♪ To show my heart ♪
♪ And all the love I have ♪
♪ Running through my soul ♪
♪ Maybe one day
you will know ♪

♪ I’m hoping you just might ♪
♪ Take a moment to realize ♪
♪ That everything
you’re looking for ♪

♪ Is hidden in plain sight ♪
♪ I know you better ♪
♪ Than I know myself ♪
♪ How I feel
is the only thing that ♪

♪ I could never
ever tell you ♪

♪ Maybe one day
you will know ♪

♪ How hard it is for me ♪
♪ To show my heart ♪
♪ And all the love I have ♪
♪ Running through my soul ♪
♪ Maybe one day
you will know ♪

♪ Maybe one day
you will know ♪

♪ Maybe one day you will ♪♪

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