Let's Make Love

Known as one of the world’s richest, most powerful and eligible bachelors, Jean Marc Clement (Yves Montand) is not amused when he learns that an off-Broadway show plans on parodying his fickle ways. He’ll do anything to stop the show – until he meets Amanda (Marilyn Monroe), the production’s real show stopper! In a classic case of “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” he auditions and lands a role playing himself! Underwhelmed by his lack of talent, Amanda all but ignores his romantic advances. In a desperate attempt to get her attention he hires Bing Crosby, Gene Kelly and Milton Berle (as themselves), to help him get his act together and win the woman of his dreams!
[ Male Chorus ]
♪ Here we sit ♪

♪ And we chatter ♪
♪ What are we thinking of ♪
♪ Let’s not make ♪
♪ With the patter ♪
♪ Baby ♪
[ Monroe ]
♪ Let’s make love ♪

[ Male Chorus ]
♪ If you roar like a lion ♪

♪ I could coo like a dove ♪
♪ If you’re sold, begin buyin’ ♪
♪ Baby ♪
[ Monroe ]
♪ Let’s make love ♪

[ Male Chorus ]
♪ No, don’t turn TV ♪

♪ On ♪
♪ Instead just turn me ♪
♪ On ♪
♪ I light up like neon ♪
♪ Just a tiny section
of your affection ♪

♪ In my direction will do ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh– You’ll ♪
♪ Just love my embraces ♪
♪ ‘Cause they’ll fit
like a glove ♪

♪ We’ll be off
to the races maybe ♪

♪ Kiss me, baby ♪
[ Monroe ]
♪ Let’s make love ♪♪

Don’t just lay there.
Honey, do something.
[ Giggles ]
[ Man Narrating ]
One of the great fortunes
of the world began here…

on the outskirts of Tours
in 17th-century France.

Jean-Marc Clement was a farmer,
but not a very good one.

Contemporaries state
that with fertile land
and plenty of water,

he couldn’t grow mud,
but he didn’t have to.

While hoeing for potatoes,
he found a chest of gold.

This is thought
to be the origin of the phrase,
“Lots of potatoes.”

From then on,
Jean-Marc farmed money.

In Paris, the second Jean-Marc
was the kind of man…

who could form a syndicate
in an empty room.

Balloons were the rage
of France.

Jean-Marc bought
a balloon factory and prospered.

He was a completely
dedicated man,

interested in balloons
of every kind.

He died in 1777,
leaving well over
300,000 francs.

The cause of death was listed
as “excessive interest
in balloons.”

The third Jean-Marc Clement
just happened to own
a cannon factory.

He supplied munitions
for the French army.

He was so fair-minded, people
say he supplied the enemy also.

His interests grew and grew…
until the day
the munitions factory blew up.

Unfortunately, it was
one of the few mornings
Jean-Marc reported to work.

He left millions,
and was the first Clement
to die vertically.

The fourth Clement carried on
the basic traditions
of the family,

which is to say
a prudent marriage…

plus the lively interest
in balloons.

This lively interest
led to a duel.

The result was
officially listed as a tie.

But Jean-Marc took
a short sabbatical in New York.

While there, he picked up
800 acres of property.

It was in the low-rent district,
then known as Wall Street.

He returned
to the gay life of Paris
and threw his life away.

His indiscretions
with rich widows brought in less
than a million francs a year.

The fifth Clement was a man
who went first class.

He liked railroads–
by 1855, he owned 43 of them–
and steamships.
He owned a total
of 19 different lines.

His dash for power
ended the next year…

when negotiations
for the purchase of
the Atlantic Ocean broke down.

The sixth Clement
was pure patriot.

He pioneered
the Statue of Liberty…

and talked a Mr. Eiffel
into building some sort
of sightseeing tower.

At the time,
Jean-Marc controlled
all the steel in France.

He died in 1890,
leaving 400 millions.

His son immediately
set out to make money.

He ran across a man
who had some old blueprints
in the attic.

The basic patent rights
on this notion brought
a good, steady income,

more than enough
to cover his losses
on horses and women,

most of whom were quartered
on a yacht called
The Harem.
And, of course, there was
the old family devotion
to sightseeing towers.

Jean-Marc put up 700 of them
near Waco, Texas.

He died mysteriously
at the age of 91…

aboard a yacht, Harem III.
After the usual deductions
were made,

he left a fortune estimated
on the foreign exchange mart…

as one billion dollars.
As a guide to those
in the audience who may
not have a billion dollars,

let it be stated that
the interest on the interest
on a billion dollars…

is $70,000 a week.
This is the New York office
of the worldwide
Clement Enterprises.

The current Jean-Marc Clement
seems to embody all the traits
of his forebears–

good traits and,
cynics point out,

perhaps a few bad ones.
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
I also like the one I heard
in Paris yesterday…
about a man who taught
his dog to play poker.
But the poor dog
was a terrible gambler,
because every time
he got a good hand,
he’d wag his tail.
That’s funny.
That’s marvelous.
[ Laughing, Chattering ]
Good-bye.
Bye.
[ Chattering Continues ]
[ Businessman ]
Great storyteller.
And the way
he tells a story–
Certainly not dull.
I agree with you.
Hi. I’m Coffman
from Public Relations
downstairs.
Oh, yes.
The gentlemen
with the emergency.
Mr. Wales expects you.
Thank you.
What emergency
concerns Mr. Clement?
It’s this item
in the newspaper, sir.
I thought you might like
to see this.
I read no item
in this morning’s newspaper
concerning Mr. Clement.
This isn’t a regular
newspaper, Mr. Wales.
This is Variety,
the theatrical paper.
How could anything theatrical
concern Mr. Clement?
Would you read that,
please, sir?
[ Exhales ]
Come with me.
Right.
[ Exhales ]
Good morning, George.
Feast your eyes.
What, more? How much?
You don’t measure art
by money.
I do.
Good heavens.
This is
the Meister collection…
that the Louvre
and the National Gallery
were bidding for.
You outbid
two governments?
Oh, it was a pleasure.
The Renoir, I will hang
in the Paris apartment.
The Matisse, I think
in the Hong Kong office.
And the van Gogh–
Oh, I think it will
be perfect on the yacht.
How do you do?
I beg your pardon.
This is Alexander Hoffman.
Coffman.
Public Relations.
Ours.
[ Coffman ]
How do you do, sir?
Jean-Marc.
[ Exhales ]
It’s something serious.
Hmm.
I can tell
by the breathing.
Somebody’s putting
on a show, and you’re
going to be portrayed in it.
Really?
I couldn’t be more flattered.
Listen to this.
“Greenwich Village Revue
to Caricature Celebrities
in the Theateround.
Some of the public figures
up for laughs
are Maria Callas,
Elvis Presley, Van Cliburn
and Jean-Marc Clement,
amongst others.”
You’re going
to be made ridiculous.
Oh!
Do you mind if Coffman
leaves us for a moment?
Of course not, George.
Yes. Coffman.
No, no, no.
You’d better go in there.
Thanks.
I’ve known for a long time
that something like this
is bound to happen.
All those women
you take out in public,
this is the result.
I’m not anxious
to take them out
in public, George.
They won’t stay indoors.
Jean-Marc, your father’s
no longer here to uphold
the dignity of your name.
Now then, I’ve put on
this young man…
to do nothing
but keep your name
out of the newspapers.
I want you
to take him seriously.
I want you to start at once.
Very well, George.
And try not to worry
so much about me.
Oh, I’ve been worrying
about you since your
christening at Notre Dame.
[ Chuckles ]
I wouldn’t mind
a little change at all.
Coffman!
Yes, sir?
What are you being paid for?
You call this good
public relations?
No, sir, I do not.
Well, I want it stopped,
you understand?
It’s an invasion
of privacy.
If you can’t stop it,
I will.
Is that correct,
Jean-Marc?
Absolutely.
Thank you.
Run along.
Good-bye, sir.
Good-bye, Coffman.
I’ll get on this right away.
“By reason that they
should dissolve
their partnership…
and to maintain the”–
You may use
the private elevator.
“…by arrangement
they have con”–
There. There.
“Now, therefore, it is agreed
to end this legally
by the two parties”–
[ Elevator Dings ]
[ Dings ]
[ Whirring ]
[ Woman On Speaker ]
Mr. Coffman?

Yes.
You’ll please return
to Mr. Clement’s office.

[ Elevator Powering Down ]
[ Elevator Powering Up ]
Yes, sir?
Beautiful, isn’t it?
Oh. yes. Mm-hmm.
Very.
Coffman, I’m not
especially thin-skinned…
about some jokes
that might be made
about me on the stage.
But if it’s too
embarrassing about girls,
that can be serious.
Sit down.
Will it help if I got
the show closed up?
Well, sir, then you run
the danger of getting
more bad publicity…
if you do something like that.
Yes, that’s possible.
It’s a very small theater,
isn’t it?
Not many people
would really see
an off-Broadway show.
Well, if they’re successful,
people like Ed Sullivan often
use parts of them on television.
Life, Look, Paris Match even,
might pick it up.
Especially since
they’re using your name.
Mm-hmm.
I may be more thin-skinned
than I suspect.
I don’t seem to relish
being laughed at.
Um–
Go on.
You’ve thought
of something. Say it.
Well, I don’t know if you–
if you’d care for this,
but, um, would you consider
attending a rehearsal
of the show, sir?
Why? What would
that accomplish?
It would take the sting
out of anything they’re doing.
It would be disarming.
If you show them that you
have a sense of humor and
that you can laugh at yourself,
then all the rest
of the laughter is good-natured.
That’s my opinion.
Would they
think it odd for me
to attend a rehearsal?
It’s perfectly natural.
You’ve read that you’re
being depicted in the show,
and you’ve come down
to see what you’re like.
They’d only be flattered.
I’ve been a press agent
in the theater, Mr. Clement.
I know I’m right.
Let’s go.
Now?
They’re rehearsing,
aren’t they?
Yes, sir.
Time is money,
and I don’t like
to waste either.
Hmm?
Come on.
Is this a theater?
Theater-in-the-round, sir.
It’s very informal.
Excuse me.
This is the stage door.
♪♪ [ Jazz ]
♪♪ [ Continues ]
♪♪ [ Stops ]
[ Man ] Joe, these light cues
are sure tricky.
We gotta hit ’em just right.
♪♪ [ Jazz Combo ]
Thanks, Lou.
♪♪ [ Continues ]
Boys!
[ Dancers Vocalizing ]
My name is… Lolita.
And, uh,
I’m not supposed to…
play…
with boys.
Moi!
♪♪ [ Dancers Vocalizing ]
Uh-uh!
Mon coeur est à Papa.
You know.
Le propriétaire.
♪♪ [ Dancers Vocalizing ]
♪♪ [ Man Scatting ]
No!
♪ While tearing off ♪
♪ A game of golf ♪
♪ I may make a play
for the caddie ♪
♪ But when I do ♪
♪ I don’t follow through ♪
♪ ‘Cause my heart ♪
♪ Belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ If I invite ♪
♪ A boy some night ♪
♪ To dine on my fine
finnan haddie ♪
♪ I just adore ♪
♪ His asking for more ♪
♪ But ♪
♪ My heart belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ Yes, my heart
belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ So I simply ♪
♪ Couldn’t be bad ♪
♪ Yes, my heart
belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da
da, da, da, da ♪
♪ So I want
to warn you, laddie ♪
♪ Though I know
that you’re perfectly swell ♪
♪ That my heart
belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ ‘Cause my Daddy ♪
♪ He treats it ♪
♪ So ♪
♪♪ [ Dancers Scatting ]
♪♪ [ Scatting ]
♪♪ [ Dancers Scatting ]
♪♪ [ Scatting ]
♪ While tearing off ♪
♪ A game of golf ♪
♪ I may make a play
for the caddie ♪
♪ But when I do ♪
♪ I don’t follow through ♪
♪♪ [ Scatting ]
♪ Ooh, Daddy ♪
♪ If I invite
a boy some night ♪
♪ To cook up
a fine enchilada ♪
♪ Though Spanish rice
is all very nice ♪
♪ Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da
ba-da, ba-da, da-da ♪
[ All ]
Yes!
♪ My heart belongs
to my daddy ♪
♪ So I simply ♪
♪ Couldn’t be bad ♪
♪ Yes, my heart
belongs to my daddy ♪
♪ Da, da, da, da, da, da
da, da, da ♪
♪ So I want
to warn you, laddie ♪
♪ Though I know
you’re perfectly swell ♪
♪ That my heart
belongs to my daddy ♪
♪ ‘Cause Daddy ♪
♪ My daddy ♪
♪ My little old daddy ♪
♪ He treats it so ♪
♪ That little old man
He just treats it so good ♪♪
♪♪ [ Ends ]
[ Man ]
Lights! All right, kids!
All right, kids, up you get!
Terrific! Really good.
[ Chattering ]
Up you get!
[ Man ]
All you people trying out
as doubles, on stage.
Elvis Presleys,
Van Cliburns,
Maria Callases,
Jean-Marc Clements,
step up.
Maria Callases,
over here.
Jean-Marc Clements,
Elvis Presleys–
Coffman.
Yes, sir?
Ask her to dinner.
Dinner?
Bring her
to my place, 8:00.
You’re trying out
for Clement, aren’t you?
Hey, that’s very good.
Just what you’re doing.
That’s just
his stupid look.
Say, now. Now, now–
You don’t look like anybody.
You might as well go home.
Come on onstage, fella.
You got something.
Come on, Presleys.
How about it?
Let’s go.
Sort of form groups
in three. And you girls–
Maria Callases. Yeah.
Hey, Coffman.
Hello.
Miller.
Yeah. What are you
doing down here?
You Broadway big shots
aren’t allowed
below 14th Street.
I’m not on Broadway anymore.
I moved into, um,
industrial public relations.
[ Man ]
Clements, please.
You guys all get together.
That’s it.
Move in.
All right. Yeah.
Uh-huh.
Now Presleys.
Hit it, Elvis.
♪ Well, keep on
rock and roll, Mama
We’re rockin’ all the time ♪
♪ She can be– ♪
Thank you.
♪ See that chick
with the red dress on ♪
Thank you.
♪ Well, I love her eyes
I love her lips ♪
♪ They taste even better
than potato chips ♪
♪ Ooh-wee, baby ♪
♪♪ [ Continues Singing,
Indistinct ]
[ Man ]
That’s enough.
Excuse me.
I am Jean-Marc Clement.
I wonder if I–
[ Man ]
Say something else.
Go ahead.
I beg your pardon, sir.
I’m afraid you are mis–
Listen to him.
It’s amazing.
I saw Clement in a newsreel.
Hey, you really got him down.
Come over here.
I want to see something.
I want you to stand
next to this man here.
That’s it.
No, you go in the middle.
Like– Like that.
That’s right.
That’s not bad, hey?
No doubt about it.
Okay. Take him, Kerry.
You in the middle,
don’t go away.
You two, dismissed.
Now I want to see
the Van Cliburns.
You’re really French,
aren’t you?
Yes.
Very much so.
– Been here long?
– I go back and forth.
My family
is rather transatlantic.
♪♪ [ Resumes ]
That’s good for the part.
Hey, they’re really
gonna make an idiot
out of him.
Who?
Clement.
I can’t get over
the resemblance.
Oh, you’re much nicer,
of course.
Thank you.
Why do you think so?
Well, all you
ever see him doing…
is getting in and out
of sports cars,
some girl suing him again.
You don’t like that.
Well, it’s all right,
but think of what
he could do in this world
with all that money.
Oh, I wish I was
taking French…
now that you’re going
to be with the company.
I could practice on you.
Oh, you’re a college girl?
No. Night school.
I’m getting
my high school diploma.
[ Chuckles ]
What do you want to do that for?
I got tired of being ignorant.
I never knew what people
were referring to.
I suppose you want
to play Shakespeare
and Greek tragedy and–
Oh, no. This is
my favorite kind of show.
Um, have you been
out of work long?
Out of– No, I’m–
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean
to get personal.
But I noticed
how you acted before,
pretending you
didn’t want the job.
I figured you were
pretty desperate.
You are very observant.
I am, uh–
What are you knitting?
I haven’t decided yet.
It keeps my hands busy.
Hey, fella.
I have to have your Equity card.
My what?
Oh, you don’t have
to join Actors’ Equity.
They could list you
as a nonprofessional.
Fine.
Why don’t you
do that, Jimmy?
All right,
what’s your name?
My name is Jean–
Oddly enough, my name
often startles people.
Why? What is it?
Alexander.
Not Alexander Dumas.
You know Alexander Dumas?
We had him last term.
He wrote
The Three Musketeers.

It’s a lovely name.
It happens to be my name.
[ Jimmy ]
Okay, Al.
Alexander Dumas?
What a small world.
Oh, it’s a very common name
in France.
I hope you’ll help me.
I’ve never been
on a stage before.
I knew. You can always
tell an outsider.
How?
Mostly the way
they look at girls
in rehearsal clothes.
How do people
in show business look?
They don’t. A girl
can walk around backstage…
with nothing on
except her goodwill,
and nobody will
even turn his head.
The same girl, fully dressed,
walks down an aisle of clerks
in an office,
pinched black and blue.
What’s the matter
with you people anyway?
I think we are normal.
You’re the ones in trouble.
I could give you a tip
on how to play Clement
if you’re interested.
Oh, yes. I’m here to learn.
Try acting
with more assurance.
By that I mean,
he doesn’t have
your sensitivity.
Really?
But I’ve always
felt that Clement
is a rather sensitive man.
Of course
I don’t really know, but–
Oh, no. I’ve met those types.
You got to be
a lot cruder, you know?
I never heard anybody
call Jean-Marc Clement crude.
For instance,
a man like you–
You come over to me.
You’re unsure of yourself, yes?
Well, yes, I suppose–
I mean, it’s normal.
I’m a girl. You wonder
whether I like you.
You’re a little uncertain.
You even look
a little nervous.
I wouldn’t say I was nervous.
That’s okay. I kind of
like that in a man.
But when Jean-Marc Clement
comes up to a girl,
as soon as he tells her
his name, he expects her
to drop dead with the honor.
Well, they do.
I mean, I imagine that, uh–
Sure, but why?
Money. Right?
I don’t know.
I imagine women would
find him rather charming.
Charming. He drops them
after two dates, has
five others the same week.
Boy, you haven’t had
much experience
with women, have you?
Well, I like
to think I have, but–
If you want to be
this kind of person
you characterize–
Clement is nothing
but a rich louse.
Now, keep that in mind.
When you get up on the stage,
first relax…
and keep telling yourself,
“I’m a louse.
I’m a louse.
I’m a louse.” Try.
I’m–
I think you’re making
a big mistake, young lady.
That’s it.
That’s very good.
– What’s very good?
– The way you looked down
with “young lady.”
You looked like
you had $50 million.
– I did?
– For a second, you looked
like a spoiled brat.
I’m glad to hear you say that.
How about having dinner
with me?
You are
teaching me so much.
I’d like to learn more.
Can’t. I only have time
for a bite tonight.
I’ve got geography at 7:00.
[ Man, Slurring ]
♪ Oh, give me a home ♪
Don’t tell me he’s drunk.
If he is, he’s fired.
♪ Roam ♪♪
Hello, sweetheart.
Tony Danton.
That’s the kiddie.
Tony Danton.
[ Screams ]
[ People Murmuring ]
Tony!
Tony? Are you all right?
♪ Love is a many
splintered thing ♪
You meshuggener!
I’m sorry, Mandy.
I was just
putting you on.
[ Amanda Laughs ]
Very funny.
I just aged 10 years.
Well, that’s as funny
as I can get cold sober.
Have you got
some sort of a parody?
We need a short one
to cover a costume change.
One of the songwriters
at Lindy’s knocked out
a good one.
Okay, let’s hear it.
Well, this is the
“Lament of the–
[ Snaps Fingers ]
Pop Singer.”
♪ Records with gimmicks ♪
♪ Chipmunks and mimics ♪
♪♪ [ Piano:
“Give Me The Simple Life” ]
♪ That’s what
the future spells ♪
♪ I said to my bosses
Look at my losses ♪
♪ Give me a song
that sells ♪
♪ Music is dyin’ ♪
♪ Nobody’s buyin’ ♪
♪ Mule trains or Jezebels ♪
♪ So how can a fella
sing “Dardanella” ♪
♪ Give me a song that sells ♪
♪ Aw, come on
Stop hiding that tune ♪
♪ Don’t save all those hits
for Pat Boone ♪
♪ Yeah, gimme
Gimme, gimme, gimme ♪
♪ A song that sells ♪
♪ I’ve got a father to support ♪
♪ A mother to support ♪
♪ A lazy, loafin’
good-for-nothin’
brother to support ♪
♪ Yeah, gimme
Gimme, gimme, gimme ♪
♪ A song that sells ♪♪
[ Cheering ]
That’s-a funny,
but how much does
the writer want for it?
Seventy-five dollars.
Well, try and pay less.
We’ll take it.
Kids, if you come across
any other parodies, jokes
or bits, bring ’em around.
We can use three or four
between the scene changes.
Okay, kids, that’s all today.
Tomorrow morning, 11:00,
on time.
Excuse me.
I have a rather amusing story
you may like.
[ Man ]
Let’s hear it.
It’s, uh, about a man
who taught his dog
to play poker.
But the poor dog
was a terrible gambler,
because every time
he got a good hand–
[ Chuckles ]
[ All ]
He’d wag his tail!
He’d wag his tail.
[ Kerry ]
Don’t let that
discourage you, kids. New jokes.
Tomorrow morning,
11:00, on time.
Kill the work lights.
New jokes!
See you tomorrow.
Rehearsal at 11:00 sharp.
They do that to everyone
when they know the joke.
Don’t be discouraged.
[ Tony ]
Mandy!
Thank you.
Coming?
Coming.
I’ll take that. Okay.
– You got everything?
– Yeah.
♪♪ [ Drums ]
♪♪ [ Piano Joins In ]
How would they all
have known that joke?
People in show business
know the popular jokes,
Mr. Clement.
That’s why
they buy new ones.
I got the girl’s
telephone number
from the stage manager.
Sir?
I’ll try to have her
at your place by 8:00.
Hmm?
I’ll try to have the girl–
No, no.
She’s got geography.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
How many hours a day
do these rehearsals
usually go on?
All day long, sir.
All night too sometimes.
Well, when do they
have time for, uh–
They make time.
No, thank you, sir.
Of course there’s
always Sunday.
Sunday?
This is only Tuesday.
Well, perhaps
she’d be willing
to skip a class…
if I told her that you
were Jean-Marc Clement, sir.
I’m not so sure.
She doesn’t think
very highly
of Jean-Marc Clement.
I never ran
into that before.
Odd.
I want you
to buy me a joke.
Beg your pardon, sir?
I want an original joke,
something superb.
Well, I do know
one very good comedy writer,
Charlie Lamont.
He’s rather expensive.
Good.
Go to the Investors
National Bank.
They’ll give you
a thousand dollars.
Be at my office
tomorrow morning
with a new joke.
And be sure
it’s brand-new.
I never buy
anything used.
Excuse me, sir.
Just so I’ll know.
Are you thinking of joining
the cast of this show?
Oh, for a few hours,
perhaps.
There is no other way.
I certainly couldn’t wait
till Sunday.
[ Steam Hissing ]
Are you sure you can
think in here, Mr. Lamont?
For a thousand bucks,
I can think in a coal mine.
[ Coughs ]
I do my best work here.
At home, I got five kids.
What’s the situation,
and who is the guy?
A big dress manufacturer.
He’s going to make
a speech in Miami.
It’s got to be definitely
a new joke.
New is easy. Funny is hard.
[ Hissing ]
Could you hurry it up, please?
I don’t know if I’ll have the
strength to deliver it to him.
I’m strictly
a ski-and-toboggan man
myself.
Now don’t go away.
I’m the best.
[ Pants ]
Even the ghostwriters
come to me.
I ghost for the ghost.
Now, let’s see.
[ Hissing ]
[ Laughing ]
Oh, I’m so glad
you like it, sir.
Quite funny, yes.
Here is Wilson
with his report.
Good morning, Wilson.
Good morning, sir.
[ George ]
Begin, Wilson.
“Miss Amanda Dell.
Dell is her stage name.
Family name Delson.
Non-married,
American citizen by birth.
[ Laughing ]
She has occasion–
She has occasional escorts,
but is mostly seen
with Tony Danton, her costar
in her present show.”
I never imagined
people made up jokes
for money.
But I guess they have
to come from someplace.
Am I to understand
you’re buying jokes?
Oh, just one, George,
for the rehearsal today.
Proceed, Wilson.
“Miss Dell is meeting
another man in private.
He is not Tony Danton.”
[ George ]
Oho! What did I tell you?
[ Wilson ] “He’s evidently
married and avoiding
being seen publicly with her.
Their meeting place
is St. Timothy’s Church.”
[ George ] Very ingenious.
[ Wilson ]
“Miss Dell enters the church
when the service is almost over,
and the two spend
a good deal
of time together.”
This time I smell gunplay.
Good day, Wilson.
Shall we continue to keep her
under surveillance?
No. I’ll tend
to that myself, thank you.
Good day, sir.
Are you feeling well?
I feel fine.
Just lost a little weight
getting that joke, that’s all.
Good day, sir.
Good day, Coffman.
[ Clicks ]
The mail, Miss Manners,
and cancel
all my appointments for…
24 hours.
She’s meeting
another man secretly.
Jean-Marc, you’re walking
right into a scandal.
George, you must see her.
She comes down, you see.
Absolutely unbelievable.
Then she comes forward.
What will she do?
You don’t know.
All of a sudden,
“My name is Lolita,
and, uh, I’m not supposed
to play with boys.”
[ Clears Throat ]
I’ll speak
to San Francisco.
Yes to number two.
No to number three.
George, will you take care
of this London business?
Uh-huh.
Anything else?
I had Cartier
send this around.
Oh, very nice.
[ George ] For $10,000,
it ought to be nice.
Who is it for? Miss Emerson?
You asked me
to pick up something
for Miss Philips.
Of course.
Uh, I’ll drop it off myself.
Send flowers and a note
to Miss Emerson.
I’ll do the mail now.
♪♪ [ Whistling ]
Good morning.
Bonjour, monsieur.
To the Cairo office, please.
[ Speaking Arabic ]
Please, George. Please.
I hate to see you worry.
I’m much more
than worried.
Oh, don’t.
To the Paris office.
[ Woman ]
Oui, monsieur.

[ Speaking French ]
Tell Captain Swanson
I want the yacht ready.
There will be one guest.
Jean-Marc, I have some
important business to see to.
Miss Manners.
Miss Manners, I want you
to buy me a pair
of old trousers.
Old trousers?
Yes.
To the Berlin office.
Jawohl, mein herr.
[ Speaking German ]
And an old jacket too.
And a sweater.
Uh, something
an actor might wear.
And tell Captain Swanson
to have plenty of paper
and pencils on board.
She might want to do
some homework.
[ German ]
[ Chattering ]
♪♪ [ Jazz ]
What do you say, Al?
Hello.
Hi!
Oh, you didn’t get
any sleep last night.
I couldn’t sleep.
That new song
kept me awake.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
You look tired.
♪ Hey, you ♪
♪ With the crazy eyes ♪
♪ When you turn them on ♪
♪ I’m gone
right up to the skies ♪
♪ Hey, you ♪
♪ With the glowing
glimmers ♪
♪ Do they come
with dimmers ♪
♪ Tonight ♪
♪ They’re as bright
as lightning, you ♪
♪ With the crazy lips ♪
♪ When we start to kiss
like this ♪
♪ My heart simply flips ♪
♪ Guess I ♪
♪ Might as well propose ♪
♪ ‘Cause heaven knows
I’m in love with those
crazy eyes ♪
♪ You, you, you ♪
♪ With the crazy lips ♪
♪ When we start to kiss
like this ♪
♪ My heart simply flips ♪
♪ Guess I ♪
♪ Might as well propose ♪
♪ ‘Cause heaven knows
I’m in love with those
crazy eyes ♪
♪ Knocked-out eyes ♪
♪ Kooky eyes ♪
♪ Fractured eyes ♪
♪ Crazy eyes ♪♪
Yeah!
[ Laughs ]
Tony, it’s marvelous.
[ Kerry ]
You’re doing great, Tony.
Okay, let’s go.
Clear the stage.
How’s the geography?
Oh! Heartbreaking.
Did you know there’s
four million people in Haiti,
and the average wage
is $25 a year?
Imagine. I mean,
two tens and a five
for a whole year.
Oh. You, uh–
You have relatives
in Haiti or something?
No. I just found
about it, but–
Well– Well, why don’t
they do something about it?
[ Chuckles ]
Why are you smiling?
I just don’t know
what else to do.
I-I’m smiling
because I’m–
Oh.
Four-Square Pawnshop.
Ouch.
Don’t be embarrassed.
Well–
No false pride. Come on now.
Chin up.
Oh, I wonder if you
would have a little time…
to give me
some acting pointers.
I know you could
really help me.
Couldn’t we have
a little dinner tonight?
Oh, I can’t tonight
because I’ve got
a history exam tomorrow.
I gotta study.
I’m very weak in history.
History happens to be
one of my strong points.
I help you
with your history,
and you help me
with my acting.
But first, we’ll have
a quiet little dinner
and–
[ Burton ]
New is easy.
Funny is hard.
– I know. But remember,
I’m not promising anything.
– Charlie, do me a favor.
The show needs jokes,
Charlie. I just
want you to listen.
If you think
of something good,
do me a favor.
The show
needs jokes, Charlie.
I’d appreciate it.
Like I said,
I’ll take a look.
[ Burton ]
All right! Hold it!
Let’s take it
from the opening
for Mr. Lamont.
Mr. Burton.
Oh, Mr. Burton.
I’d like to offer
another joke.
[ Burton ] Well, let it wait
until after rehearsal.
Mr. Lamont is a busy man.
I promise
you never heard this one.
Okay, but make it snappy.
All right,
clear the stage.
A man went to a psychiatrist.
Over each ear
he had a piece of bacon,
and around his neck,
an eight-foot snake
for a necktie.
And he had a large
television antenna
strapped to his head.
“Doctor,” he said,
“I want to talk to you
about my brother.”
– [ Laughing ]
– Not bad.
I never heard it.
[ Charlie ]
But I did!
You dirty crook.
Oh, let me get
my hands on him.
I’ll break–
Mr. Lamont, take it easy.
What’s the problem?
That crook stole a joke that
I wrote yesterday for $1,000.
– [ Burton ] Thousand dollars?
– For a dress manufacturer
in Miami.
I don’t double-cross
my clients.
I’m suing you for damaging
my professional integrity.
Wait now. We can get to the
bottom of this in no time.
Well, you better.
Where did you
get the joke?
I bought it.
For how much?
Ten dollars.
Ten dollars?
From whom?
I’ll have to ask you
to tell me from whom
you bought this joke,
or you’re out
of this show.
He couldn’t have bought it.
I just wrote it yesterday
in a Turkish bath.
He’s a liar.
I wouldn’t throw
that word “liar”
around so easily.
You’re a liar.
– He bought the joke.
I saw him.
– You saw him?
I had dinner
at Lindy’s last night,
and, uh, he was sitting
in the next booth,
and I heard him buy it
from a man.
Someone stole it
and stuck him.
It’s happened before.
I promise
we won’t use it.
I’ll say you won’t use it.
I lost eight pounds
on that joke.
Take a break outside,
everybody.
I seem to be
following you.
Buttermilk, please.
You, Mac?
Coffee. Black.
I want
to thank you, Amanda,
for doing that for me.
It’s all right. It’s nothing.
Oh, I think it was
a great deal.
Matter of fact, it’s
the most touching thing…
that’s happened to me
in a long time.
Why did you do it?
Does there have
to be a motive?
I rarely see anything done
without a motive.
Almost never, Miss Dell.
Thank you.
I feel sorry for you.
You must have had a sad life.
What do you do ordinarily?
Do?
When you’re not imitating
Jean-Marc Clement.
You can’t make a living
doing just that.
I, uh– I represent
a French company.
I am a salesman.
I have a sample
of my company’s product.
Would you care
to look at it?
[ Gasps ]
It’s very nice.
It’s almost impossible
to tell from the real thing.
Oh, that’s because
we’re indoors.
I’ve got some earrings
like that.
In the outside light, though,
you can tell they’re fake.
How much you get for them?
Five dollars.
The box looks like
it’s worth more than that.
Yes, it is.
But I wish you’d buy it.
It’s an introductory offer
to advertise the product.
All right.
I’ll take one to help you out.
Good.
You’re my first sale today.
May I?
It does shine–
indoors anyway.
It will shine
at night too.
It’s a special process.
What is it?
Lily, only $5.00.
His company’s selling them
for advertising.
That’s just what I need.
You got a necklace?
We don’t
carry necklaces.
We may later.
Okay.
I’ll take a bracelet.
That’s the only
sample I had.
I’m sorry.
Aw. Tonight’s
my mother’s birthday,
and we’ll never be
through early enough
for me to get her anything.
She’s still
in the hospital.
Oh, Lily, take mine.
I’ll get
another one later.
No, no. I don’t know
when we’re going
to get another.
– There’s been a strike
at the factory, you see.
– I can wait for mine.
Oh, you owe him $5.00.
[ Jimmy ]
Okay, kids, let’s go.
Sorry. Gotta go.
[ Jimmy ]
Your 10 minutes is up.
Come on, kids.
There’s your $5.00.
[ Jimmy ]
Let’s go.
I hope your mother likes it.
My old lady’s been dead
for 10 years.
I’m just nuts about this stuff.
When you get a necklace,
show it to me. I may buy it.
I don’t think the company’ll
ever make necklaces.
They’d be too dangerous.
Dangerous?
Mm-hmm.
Too much radioactivity.
Radio what?
These stones have been
exposed to atomic rays.
That’s why they shine.
A necklace would be
too strong.
All those radioactive stones
bunched up around
your neck like that.
You don’t have to worry
about a bracelet though.
Just put Vaseline
on your wrist every night.
Don’t skimp.
A thick layer of Vaseline.
Vaseline. Why?
It’ll keep your wrist
from peeling.
Hey! What kind
of jewelry you selling?
Atomic-ray jewelry.
It’s a new French company.
Well, they’re not
gonna be in business long
making people peel.
You must be crazy.
Yes. We’re going to have
to iron that bug out.
Hey, Mac.
Aren’t you
forgetting something?
Oh, I beg
your pardon.
He’ll pay you.
Hold it.
Is he all right
for 20 cents
on your check?
Yeah, I’ll pay it.
Okay.
Thank you.
[ Clears Throat ]
[ Clicks ]
Harvey, bring me down a list
of all the real estate
we own downtown.
I’m interested
specifically…
in whether there might be
any of those off-Broadway
theaters in one of the parcels.
Right away, please.
[ Clicks ]
[ Exhales ]
May I?
You must be pretty tired.
How many times did you
go through that dance today?
Oh, I lost count.
Matter of fact,
sometimes I even
trot home afterwards.
You sleep better.
You ever trot?
You mean, in the street?
Sure. Nobody minds.
Come on.
It keeps you in shape.
Don’t you think
it will seem a little odd?
Come on.
Uh– Uh– Amanda.
[ Laughs ]
Amanda.
Let’s get a taxi.
Don’t argue.
Please, will you
call me a taxi?
Sure. You’re a taxi.
[ Laughs ]
The guy who calls the taxis
will be back in 10 minutes.
I only park the cars.
I want to see
the manager.
Come back in three months.
Maybe he’ll be out by then–
with good behavior.
Come on.
[ Laughs ]
He’s only kidding.
I’m sorry. I don’t like
to be spoken to that way.
Something the matter?
No, no. I’m just thinking.
About what?
About how happy you are.
Me happy?
Mm-hmm.
You seem able
to forget yourself.
That’s the way you dance,
and you walk in the street
that way too.
You seem at home
wherever you are.
It must be
a great feeling. Taxi!
Get in.
Oh, but where
are we going?
Uptown. Come on.
Oh, can you lend me
a couple of dollars?
I’m short.
I don’t usually
borrow money.
Thank you.
But why don’t
we take a subway?
It’s only 15 cents.
The subway’s
too full of people.
Here we go.
Is this definite?
Uptown.
[ Amanda ]
Seventy-fourth
off Columbus Avenue.
Well, I guess
I’ll see you tomorrow.
Amanda, you mustn’t
throw yourself away.
What?
A girl like you could have
everything in the world.
You sound like those men who
send invitations to my dressing
room with their chauffeurs.
Coming from you,
it’s kind of sweet.
Amanda, you shouldn’t
work this hard.
Dear man,
you’ve got
a whole wrong idea.
You’ll never get
anywhere in the theater
unless you work.
Right now,
when you walk home,
work.
Imagine.
What would it be like
to lift your finger…
and be able
to have anything
your heart desires?
What would that be like?
I can’t imagine.
Well, think.
Let’s say you
want a limousine.
You have it.
Uh, a whole building.
A girl.
Not all girls.
Well, an awful lot though.
He wouldn’t know
the difference anyway.
How do you know?
Maybe he would…
one time.
That’s a good idea.
You’re thinking.
A man like that
madly in love,
with all that power.
You see?
You’re working.
Oh, I am.
But don’t stop now.
Keep it up.
He’s with a girl.
He’s saying good night.
Hmm?
She says “Good night.”
And–
And what would he do?
Probably grab for her.
And what would she do?
Well, there’s your problem.
Good night.
Please. You make me feel
full of talent.
Couldn’t we work more?
I can’t. Not now.
Good night.
Uh– Uh–
[ Door Closes ]
Sorry I’m late.
Mmm!
[ Kisses ]
– You had
your supper yet, Papa?
– Just waiting for you, my dear.
– [ Grunts ]
– Probably another one
of those young hoodlums again.
Heavens! They’ve even
got chauffeurs now.
Can I use
the phone, Willie?
What you say, Miller?
Hi.
What’s going on?
That’s what
I wanna find out–
what’s going on.
Freeway Realty?
Mr. Osgood, please.
Mr. Osgood, my name is Miller.
I’m general manager
for the Theateround.
I just received your letter.
There must be some mistake, sir.
You’re a real estate firm.
Perhaps you don’t realize
this isn’t the way
theaters are rented.
Well, can’t I even
see you, sir?
[ Line Clicks, Dial Tone ]
Give me a scotch,
Willie.
They’re crazy.
They want a year’s rent
on the theater in advance.
You ever heard
of such a thing, Coffman?
Can you get
another theater?
Where? We waited
four months for this one.
We’re committed
with contracts,
costumes, scenery.
What’ll I tell Burton?
He’s mortgaged
his car, his home.
He’s borrowed from everyone.
It’ll kill him.
I just don’t
understand it.
I found it, Mr. Coffman.
Freeway Realty.
Principal stockholder,
Investors National,
which is controlled
by Clement Enterprises.
– Anything else I can do?
– No, thank you, Susie.
Bourbon, please.
Six… doubles.
You know, somebody
once said that rich people
are only poor people with money.
Well, he was lying.
Rich people aren’t
people, my friend.
Oh, they can be charming,
democratic, polite.
You can hardly tell them
from the human beings
sometimes.
Just be good and sure
you don’t cross them.
Sir.
Aha!
Sit down.
I will not.
You’ve been drinking.
Well, that shouldn’t
surprise you.
I’m sure your secret service
department has given you
a complete report on me.
When totally disgusted
with the human race,
I become a social drinker.
Mr. Clement–
You don’t hold
your liquor very well.
It’s not leaking out
any place.
And stop trying
to interrupt me!
You’re very talkative
when you drink.
What’s this all about?
Well, who’s going
to tell you the truth
when he’s sober?
You’re a very vain man,
Your Majesty.
All those little jokes
that you just kill people
around here with,
they didn’t go over so big
down in that theater,
did they?
And how’s it going
with that girl?
Not so hot, huh?
When you haven’t got
the old green stuff
going for you?
Money, my lord–
That’s all they ever kissed
when they kissed you. Money.
I believe you’d
better go now, Coffman.
Go? I quit!
Just one question though.
How do you sleep nights
when you close a show,
put 40 people out of work
and bankrupt a man,
all because he had
the colossal gall…
to poke a little fun
at the great Jean-Marc Clement?
Close a show?
Oh, they’ll never prove in court
that you closed the show,
but what a coincidence that
you’re the biggest stockholder
in Investors National,
which is the biggest stockholder
in Freeway Realty,
which suddenly wants
a year’s rent in advance
for the theater.
Quite a “coincidince”!
Dence.
I see. George Wales.
He raised me, you see.
He was worried about me.
I know nothing
about this, Coffman.
Come here.
Oh, come now,
I listened to you politely.
Sit down.
Sit down.
You’re making one mistake.
Very important.
It is true that people
laugh too loudly at my jokes
because I am rich.
I know that.
But what can I do?
I like to tell jokes.
Shall only poor people
tell jokes?
It is also true
I give out many bracelets.
But I must.
They expect bracelets.
You say I am vain.
No.
If I were vain, I would
refuse to give bracelets.
I would say you must love me
for my charming smile.
But is it ever possible
to love a rich man
for his smile?
Look. You. Yourself.
Whenever you speak to me,
you say “sir.”
“Sir,” “sir,” “sir.”
You respect me so much,
Mr. Coffman?
Obviously not.
It is my money you salute.
That is true, isn’t it?
Yes, it is.
But of course.
It is always true.
Except in one person.
Only that girl
has ever spoken to me–
Not to my money,
not to my name,
but to me.
And I do not intend
to lose her.
Oh, I hope you don’t.
Oh, I deeply hope you don’t.
There is a job here…
for an honest man.
Thank you, sir.
I wasn’t addressing
your money that time.
[ Slaps Leg ]
I’ll see you in the morning.
And…
for your wife.
Oh!
To forgive me
for keeping you so late.
Now, don’t tell me
I am buying your approval.
I am.
But one can only give
what one has,
and I give you that.
Get in early.
There will be a lot to do.
I want my wife
to be wonderful.
I have to find a way
to put a lot of money
in that show.
Your wife?
Hey there, now!
So when Mr. Welch here
mentioned that he’d like
to invest in a show,
I said to myself,
“I’ve seen part of Burton’s show
and I think it’s very good.”
So as long as he has the bug
to take a flyer anyway,
why, I thought
I’d bring you two together.
Well, I’m flattered you
like the show well enough…
to recommend your friend
putting money in it.
But I’m not sure
we can use
any additional money.
Is that so?
Yes. We’re
fully financed.
However, there may be–
I’m just saying
there may be–
some small share
of backing still open.
I’ll have to go over
the books.
And if there is,
well, you can have it.
That’s very kind of you.
May I speak frankly?
Yes, of course.
Go right ahead.
I like you.
I like the notion
of a retired
merchant like you…
being interested
in show business.
That’s why I’m letting you in.
I see.
Now, um,
may I speak frankly?
– Go right ahead.
– Thank you.
I’ve been horse trading
across a desk like this
for the last 30 years,
and in all that time,
I don’t think I’ve
ever come across anyone…
quite as bad at it as you.
You’re just awful.
I beg your pardon?
Let me give you
a sample of frankness.
Not only aren’t you
fully financed, Mr. Burton,
but you’re faced with
having to get together a year’s
theater rent in advance.
You foolishly– You foolishly
mortgaged your home and you
can’t raise any more money.
And if I were to wait
another 10 days,
I could pick up
your theater for nothing
and probably your house as well.
That’s frankness. Please close
your mouth, young man.
Now then– Thank you.
Now then,
because I like you,
I am prepared
to finance your show entirely…
and take only 51%.
Then you’ll have control.
Of course I will.
I never dream of putting
any money into anything
unless I have complete control.
I urge you to accept
this offer, Mr. Burton.
It’s very generous.
You want to know something?
It is.
You’re smarter than I thought,
Mr. Burton.
I’ll read it
after I sign it.
♪♪ [ Jazz Combo ]
I’ve got 51%
of the show.
Complete control.
Hold it, kids.
Hold it.
Hold it, kids.
Gather round. Everybody.
Come on. Gather round.
Which one’s the bride?
She’s not around.
You know, I can’t believe it.
I didn’t think
he’d ever get married.
I’d given up.
Hmm.
What?
There.
[ Burton ]
Now, gather in. And you.
Come on in. John, you.
Ooh. There’ll be children.
Lots of children.
Coffman, there’s a bonus
in this for you
if they get married.
And double if there’s a baby.
A boy.
I’ll do
whatever I can, sir.
I know you’ve heard the rumor
that I’ve been having
money troubles.
Well, it was true–
Was
true.
I have here a cashier’s check…
for more than enough money
to open this show.
I won’t tell you how much,
because you’ll come around
asking for raises.
[ Laughing ]
And I would like
to take this occasion…
to introduce my new partner,
Mr. George Welch,
a retired merchant
interested in show business.
Mr. Welch?
Your grateful company.
[ Man ]
All right, clear the stage.
That doesn’t mean
anything, sir.
People in show business are
always throwing their arms
around each other.
They’re very exuberant.
Why can’t she be exuberant
with Jean-Marc,
for heaven’s sake?
[ Kerry ]
“Specialization.”
Let’s take it
from the bridge, boys.
♪♪ [ Jazz ]
This is the number
he was hired for, sir.
Now we’ll see it.
♪ Marc Clemens ♪
♪♪ [ Vocalizing ]
♪ Gives the gals
the tremens ♪
♪ This Casanovan ♪
♪ Sure has the roving-est eyes ♪
♪♪ [ Scats ]
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ You rule
the barnyard if ♪
Hold it! Hold it.
You know what might be cute
if it didn’t spoil
the mood?
When she sings about him,
let him go,
“Cock-a-doodle-doo.”
Yeah, that’s very funny,
Oliver.
Go on.
Go “Cock-a-doodle-doo.”
Go on.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
No, no, no.
Like a real rooster.
You know–
[ High-pitched voice ]
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Like that.
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
Again.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
No, louder.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Like that.
Like that?
Yeah.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
That’s very good.
We’ll keep it in.
Practice that at home.
All right, kids.
Get your costumes on,
and we’ll try the whole number
from the top.
[ Burton ]
Dress rehearsal.
All doubles on stage.
Dress rehearsal.
Come on, kids.
Let’s go, huh?
[ Kerry ]
Let’s pick up
on the cues faster, shall we?
– “Specialization.”
– ♪♪ [ Piano: Intro ]
♪ If you peruse
the people in the news ♪
♪ The people
that the magazines ♪
♪ Refer to ♪
♪ You’ll find that they
are naturally soigné ♪
♪ The special ones
that all of us ♪
♪ Defer to ♪
♪ They’ve each a trait
that seems to state ♪
♪ First-raters ♪
♪ Which separates them
from the small per ♪
♪ Taters ♪
♪♪ [ Combo: Jazz Dance ]
♪ Maria Callas ♪
♪♪ [ Scatting ]
♪ Is booked in Dallas ♪
♪ Red carpets rolled out
and they’re sold out ♪
♪ Clear to the sky ♪
♪♪ [ Scats ]
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ They love
your high notes if ♪
♪♪ [ Operatic Trills ]
♪ If you specialize ♪
♪ When Elvis rotates ♪
♪♪ [ Scatting ]
♪ Each critic notates ♪
♪♪ [ Scatting Continues ]
♪ It may look funny
But the money’s ♪
♪ What it supplies ♪
♪♪ [ Scats ]
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ You’ll meet
the colonel if ♪
♪♪ [ Twangy Electric Guitar ]
♪ If you specialize ♪
♪ Salome did it with ♪
♪ Veils ♪
♪ Abe Lincoln did it with ♪
♪ Rails ♪
♪ Toledo did it with ♪
♪ Scales ♪
♪ The Chinese
built that wall ♪
♪ Ooh, specialists all ♪
♪ Marc Clemens ♪
♪♪ [ Scatting ]
♪ Gives the gals
the tremens ♪
♪ This Casanovan ♪
♪ Sure has the roving-est eyes ♪
♪♪ [ Scats ]
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ Specialization ♪
♪ You’ll rule
the barnyard if ♪
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
♪ If you specialize ♪
♪ Van Cliburn ♪
♪♪ [ Scatting ]
♪ Caused us a high burn ♪
♪ While we were blushin’ ♪
♪ Some Russian
gave him a prize ♪
♪♪ [ Scats ]
♪ Specialization ♪
Da. Da.
♪ Specialization ♪
Da. Da.
– ♪ They’ll give ya medals if ♪
– ♪♪ [ Rapid Arpeggios ]
♪ They’ll love your high notes ♪
[ Amanda ]
♪ If ♪
♪♪ [ Operatic Trills ]
♪ You’ll meet the colonel ♪
♪ If ♪
♪♪ [ Twangy Electric Guitar ]
♪ You’ll rule the barnyard ♪
♪ If ♪
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
[ Harmonizing ]
♪ If you specialize ♪♪
I specialize.
♪♪ [ Ends ]
Jean-Marc Clement a rooster.
His father’s turning
in his grave.
You are damn right
it’s no good.
I didn’t count
on looking that ridiculous.
He’s got all the jokes,
and I’m going
“Cock-a-doodle-doo.”
You take his jokes and let him
go cock-a-doodle-doo.
Mm-hmm.
How about firing him?
No, no.
That would upset her.
You’ll never impress her
by being a rooster–
unless she’s a chicken.
[ Snorts ]
You know,
there are definite ways
to attract women.
When you’re 10 years old,
they like it if you walk
on your hands for ’em.
When they’re older,
they like other things,
best of all if you’re rich.
Jean-Marc, tell her who you are.
You’ll be engaged
within 15 minutes.
Oh, perhaps that’s
just what you’re afraid of.
Perhaps I am.
A little.
My dear boy,
nobody’s loved
for themselves alone.
You’re loved
for what you can do.
If she could see you
as I have–
holding the floor
at a directors’ meeting
for an entire afternoon,
trying to persuade
a nervous $10 million
to invest in a project.
Then she’d be impressed.
She might even
fall in love with you.
That’s you.
No, George, that’s my power.
That is five generations
of money.
That is a billionaire.
But it is not me.
And this girl,
I want to fall in love with me.
At the moment,
she’s admiring Tony Danton.
She’s kissing Tony Danton,
and I’ll tell you–
There’s no big mystery
about human attraction.
She’ll go on admiring him,
she’ll go on kissing him,
and they’ll fall in love.
And you, with a billion dollars
in your pocket,
can go cock your doodle-doo
till you grow feathers.
Every man
to his own battlefield, my boy.
On this one,
you haven’t got a prayer.
Unless–
Unless I get
stronger ammunition.
What do you mean?
It’s only bought for him.
People write his jokes,
and not the best,
because that show
can’t afford the best.
But I can.
Do you have any ideas
or suggestions?
Not offha– Oh.
Well, we do own
a large block of stock
in NBC, don’t we?
Now let me think. Our–
Our two men there
are Comstock and Yale.
They both hold key positions
on the board.
Tell them
I want a teacher.
What?
Tell them to get me
the greatest comedian
in the world.
That’s very flattering,
but I can think of many
greater comedians than myself.
For instance, there’s, uh–
There’s, um–
Or–
You know,
maybe you’re right.
Mr. Berle, I want you to give
serious consideration
to my offer.
Oh, I have.
This is a very,
very generous offer,
but as Mr. Comstock
and Mr. Yale will tell you,
I’m under a long-term contract
to the network.
Oh, that’s all right,
Milton.
Clement Enterprises
has a large block
of shares in NBC.
Oh, I see.
Well, sir, this is a very,
very fantastic figure.
The first time I read it
I didn’t know if this was
what you were going to pay me,
or my Social Security number.
[ Chuckles ]
Well, Mr. Berle,
can you do the job?
Sir, it’s all according
to how funny
you’re talking about.
Are you talking about
ha-ha funny…
or ha-ha-ha-ha funny…
or hardy-har-har funny?
Now, let me show you first
my, uh– my comedy walk.
It’s a very big scream.
My ankle bit.
See, I stand up,
and I walk around
on my ankles.
Now, stand up, sir,
and let me show you
how to do it.
You gotta turn your ankle–
Mr. Berle. Mr. Berle!
I am not your pupil.
You’re not the gentleman
I’m going to teach?
No.
Well, then who is?
Jean-Marc Clement.
That’s fine. That’s better.
A little broader.
A little broader. That’s fine.
Now turn around
the other way.
You’re doing great, sir.
That’s it. Up there.
Wonderful. Wonderful!
[ Chuckles ]
It’s the worst thing
I have ever seen.
Am I doing something wrong?
Oh, no, no.
You’re doing it swell,
but you have to exaggerate
a little more, sir.
Watch me again, will ya?
Dough, dough, dough, dough.
You understand?
Look, you say those words
as you do it. Go ahead.
Dough. Dough. Dough.
Dough.
[ Chuckles ]
You sound as if dough
doesn’t mean anything to you.
And it probably doesn’t.
Can you show me something
a little more, uh,
sophisticated?
Sophisticated.
Yeah.
[ Snaps Fingers ]
Let me see.
I have it, baby–
Uh, pardon me,
Mr. Clement.
I have it.
I have a great,
great idea.
Sophistication you want?
Yes.
Oh, this is gonna be great.
You walk out–
Walk out on the stage
very sophisticated like.
You see?
Very debonair.
Suave. Classy.
With dignity and charm,
and you stand there,
and you look
at the audience
for a brief second,
and then you walk around
like this.
The audience will scream.
They’ll scream.
Mr. Berle, I’d rather not.
This is more you than me.
I have– Oh, boy.
I have a gag
that I always do.
It’s dynamite.
It’s the best thing
that I’ve ever done.
Is this material original?
Original?
Mm-hmm.
[ Chuckles ]
Forget it.
We’ll try something else.
Um, let’s see–
[ Snaps Fingers ]
Oh. I have–
I have a joke–
When I do it on television,
40 million Americans
scream at this.
And here’s the line.
You– Listen.
[ Mispronouncing L’s ]
I swear I’ll “kew” you.
I’ll “kew” you a million times.
[ Laughs ]
You like that, huh?
Yes.
He likes that.
Will you try it?
“I swear I’ll kew you.
I’ll kew you a million times.”
Say it. Go ahead.
[ Muttering Lines ]
That’s it. Now say it.
[ Enunciating Clearly ]
I swear I kill you.
I kill you a million times.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Muttering Line ]
I’m sick.
Sick?
[ Stammers ]
Yeah, I’m sick
from laughing at you,
’cause you’re great.
You’re great.
No.
You’re very kind, Mr. Berle,
but I don’t think
I did it right.
Oh, come on, Mr. Clement.
You’re wonderful.
Are you gonna listen
to your Uncle Miltie?
You’re great.
You’re wonderful,
but there’s only
one little thing.
It isn’t the word “kill.”
It’s “kew.”
Kew. See?
Let me hear you say it.
Kill.
No, not ki– It’s “kew.”
Kill.
No, you have to purse your lips.
May I–
Please.
Kew.
Kill.
Not kill. Relax. Relax.
Kew.
Kill.
Kew.
Kill.
No, ki– The “L” is silent.
Say kew.
Key-ee.
No, not “key-ee.”
No, just “kew.”
Kew.
Key.
Kew. Kew.
Key.
No, kew.
Key.
Kew.
Kill.
Will you get the “L” out?
Don’t pronounce the “L.”
Kew.
Kill.
– You gotta go–
– [ Slapping ]
K– Kew.
[ Chuckles ]
Kill.
[ Exhales ]
Forget it.
We’ll try something else.
This is murder.
What kind of a job
did you get me
I ask you?
I’m afraid it’s useless.
[ Berle ]
What do you mean,
it’s useless?
I’ll make you so funny
your only problem…
will be to get her
to stop laughing long enough
to have babies.
[ Chuckles ]
No. Uh–
Show me what I can do
with a woman.
After what I read about you,
I’m sure that you
can show me.
No, no.
I mean something comical.
Something–
Something funny.
Oh. I thought you meant–
What you can do with–
I have it.
I have a great
boy-and-girl bit.
Let’s step down here.
Look, in this scene
I’ll be the b–
I’ll be the girl.
I’ll be the girl,
and you be the boy. Understand?
Yes.
You’re standing on a corner
and you’re waiting
for your girl,
and I want you to ad-lib a line,
like you’re impatient.
“Where is my girl?
She’s supposed to be here.”
I’ll be the girl,
and I’ll go off there
by the door and do it.
Okay.
All right. Let’s try it.
No. Turn around.
Face the audience.
That’s the first thing
you gotta learn,
Mr. Clement.
Look at the audience.
Go ahead.
Look– Look at your watch.
Okay.
Go ahead.
[ Stiffly ]
Where is she?
She’s supposed to meet me here.
Oh. She’s late again.
[ Chuckles ]
That’s very good.
Remember now,
I’m the girl.
I’m the girl.
[ Campy Voice ]
Hi.
I’m coming on.
[ Giggles ]
And 40 million Americans
call you “uncle”?
[ Sighs ]
♪♪ [ Cuban Jazz ]
[ Jimmy ]
Milton Berle’s here.
[ Man ]
Right this way, Mr. Berle.
Uncle Miltie.
[ Jimmy ]
Milton Berle’s here.
Milton Berle’s here.
Uncle Miltie.
[ George ]
Hold it. Hold it.
Mr. Berle to see you,
Mr. Welch.
[ George ]
Thank you.
Hi, Milton.
Hiya, Georgie.
I didn’t mean
to stop the rehearsal.
Not at all.
Do you know Mr. Coffman?
[ Berle ]
How do you do,
Mr. Coffman?
This is my producer,
Oliver Burton.
Glad to meet you, sir.
Mr. Berle,
I’m happy to meet you.
I had no idea Mr. Welch
knew any prominent
theatrical people.
Oh, Georgie?
You must be kidding.
One of my first sponsors.
[ Chuckling ]
On radio.
Why don’t you hang around?
Watch a bit of the rehearsal.
I’d be very glad to.
We rarely get free advice
from people like you.
Oh, I just dropped by
to pay my respects
to old Welchy boy here.
By the way,
as I was coming in
just now,
I saw your comedian
rehearsing.
Wonderful.
I stopped to listen.
Professional curiosity,
you know.
Boy, he was doing
a funny routine.
Mr. Burton, I wanna tell you,
you have a great comedian
on your hands.
Mr. Berle, you don’t know
what that means to us–
to have someone like you
compliment us.
Get Tony. He can use
the encouragement.
– [ Onlookers Murmuring ]
– [ Jimmy ]
Tony! Tony Danton.
[ Kerry ]
Come on, fellas.
Clear the stage.
Yeah, here I am.
– That’s not him.
– [ Burton ]
It’s not?
Tony, I want you to say hello
to Mr. Berle.
Hi, Tony.
Hello, Mr. Berle.
I just wanted you to meet him.
[ Chuckling ]
There’s the fellow.
Him?
That’s the one,
right there.
[ Burton ]
Oh, you–
Come here, will ya?
No! I mean you.
[ Mouths Word ]
Yes, you.
What’s the matter?
Were you rehearsing
out there?
Oh, that.
Just a little skit
I put together…
for a surprise party
we’re giving a friend.
It’s not very funny.
Milton Berle
thinks it’s funny.
Milton–
Why, really, Mr. Berle?
Yes. I think
it was just wonderful.
You’re underestimating
yourself, kid.
Uh, why don’t you
do the routine
for the gentlemen?
Oh, no–
All right.
Clear the stage.
[ Kerry ]
Clear the stage.
[ Claps Hands ]
Clear the stage off,
huh, fellas?
Do the subway routine
that I taught you.
It’s the best bit
that you do.
May I?
I’d like to give
my impression…
of a man going to work
in the morning
on the subway.
He’s great. Great.
Watch him.
[ Grunts ]
♪♪ [ Whistling ]
[ Whoosh ]
[ Snaps Fingers ]
[ Laughing ]
♪♪ [ Whistling ]
[ Exhales ]
[ Berle Laughing ]
He’s beautiful!
[ Scattered Laughing ]
[ More People Laughing ]
[ All Laughing ]
[ Laughing Continues ]
[ Berle ]
Oh, he’s great!
[ Laughter ]
Beautiful!
Where is she?
She’s supposed
to meet me here.
Oh, she’s late… again.
[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Scattered Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Berle ]
Oh, beautiful.
Beautiful!
[ Mouthing Words ]
[ Berle ]
It’s the funniest thing
I’ve ever seen in my life!
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
They’re gonna ask you to sign
for the run of the play.
What’s that?
To stay with the show
as long as it runs.
But you’re entitled
to more money.
Hey, you were good.
Really?
Well, I’ve got
to run along.
Very good, son.
Lots of luck.
Thank you, Mr. Berle.
Welchy, old boy.
Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
My regards to the family.
I will.
Remember me at home.
Yes. Yes.
So long.
So long, kids.
Happy show.
[ Chattering ]
Thank you, Milton Berle.
We have to sign him
right now.
Certainly.
What’s his name?
Al– Alphonse,
I think.
Oh, fella?
Step over here, will ya?
I’ll ask for
a hundred-dollar raise.
I wouldn’t dare ask
for more than 30.
But… go ahead.
Don’t be shy.
Nobody talk.
Let me handle this.
Yes, sir?
That wasn’t bad.
– Thank you, sir.
– Say, I’m sorry,
but what is your name?
Dumas. Alex Dumas.
You don’t say.
Alex, I think
we can use your bit.
I’m not promising now.
We may be over length.
Kerry, I wanna
give Dumas here
a $10 increase.
Very well, sir.
Have him sign the usual…
run-of-the-play contract.
All right.
Not bad, eh, Alex?
A $10 jump.
I don’t think that’s enough,
Mr. Burton.
I wonder
if I heard you right.
I think so.
I don’t.
Well, I’d like $50 more.
Where did you get
that absurd idea?
Milton Berle was laughing.
He was
just being polite.
Now look, Dumas,
you’re new in show business.
A $50 raise is unheard of.
Ask anybody.
I would like $50 more.
It’s out of the question!
Here, uh, Amanda.
Tell him, will ya?
He wants a $50 raise.
Come over here, dear.
You don’t realize, Dumas,
this isn’t a big business.
You can’t expect–
I’m offering him
a $10 raise.
Isn’t that fair?
Don’t ask me.
I’m not a–
Honey, the fella’s
just beginning.
This is his first big part.
He’s getting
a terrific opportunity.
I-I know, but, well–
He only got the part
because he happens
to look like Clement.
That’s not
such an opportunity.
Did you tell him
to ask for 50?
[ Stammers ]
No. Uh–
But, 40’s–
Have you lost your mind?
Forty?
There is no need to shout
at her.
Don’t tell me
how to run my company,
will ya?
You’ve no right
to talk to her that way.
Will you take $10,
or won’t you?
I certainly will not.
Then you’re fired.
Please leave this theater.
Am I fired?
What? No.
– What?
– He’s a partner.
He likes me.
I like him.
See?
But I don’t,
and I want him out of the show.
Now get outta here.
Your 49% wants him
out of the show,
but my 51 wants him in,
so he stays in,
doesn’t he?
[ Chuckles ]
I’ll settle
the money question.
Come with me,
young man.
What do we do now?
I get $50 raise.
When you get excited,
you’re just like your father.
And she gets
$50 raise.
What for?
What’s the purpose of that?
Écoutez.
L’incident est clos.

Same sentence
his father used to use.
He gets a $50 raise,
and she gets a $50 raise.
What? What for?
Écoutez.
L’incident est clos.

Start the rehearsal.
[ Kerry ]
Yes, sir.
Okay, Amanda,
You wanna get to wardrobe
for “Let’s Make Love.”
Dress rehearsal–
“Let’s Make Love.”
May I help you?
Boy, you sure got a lot
of different sides
to your character.
♪♪ [ Piano: Intro ]
♪ Oh, the gentle art
of conversation ♪
♪ Is deader than
the Dead Sea Scrolls ♪
♪ We’ve become the mutest
kind of nation ♪
♪ We’re uncommunicating souls ♪
♪ No one talks
No one talks ♪
♪ It’s something
we seldom ever do ♪
♪ No one talks
No one talks ♪
♪ No one talks but ♪
♪ You ♪
♪♪ [ Smooth Jazz ]
♪ Here we sit ♪
♪ And we chatter ♪
♪ What are we thinking of ♪
♪ Let’s not make ♪
♪ With the patter ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Let’s make love ♪
♪ My, oh, my ♪
♪ But it’s stifling ♪
♪ If you roar ♪
♪ Like a lion ♪
♪ I could coo ♪
♪ Like a dove ♪
♪ If you’re sold ♪
♪ Begin buyin’ ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Let’s make love ♪
♪ Gosh, it’s hot ♪
♪ No, don’t turn TV ♪
♪ On ♪
♪ Instead just turn me on ♪
♪ I light up like ♪
♪ Neon ♪
♪ Just a tiny section
of your affection ♪
♪ In my direction
will do ♪
Ooh!
♪♪ [ Cuban Jazz ]
♪ You’ll just love ♪
♪ My embraces ♪
♪ ‘Cause they’ll fit ♪
♪ Like a glove ♪
♪ We could get ♪
♪ Down to cases ♪
♪ Maybe ♪
♪ Kiss me, baby ♪
♪ Let’s make love ♪
♪♪ [ Smooth Jazz Resumes ]
[ Amanda ]
♪ Plan some moonlight trips
with me ♪
♪ Come to grips with me ♪
♪ Lips to lips with me ♪
♪ Do
Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ You’ll just love ♪
♪ My embraces ♪
♪ ‘Cause they’ll fit ♪
♪ Like a glove ♪
♪ We could get ♪
♪ Down to cases ♪
♪ Maybe ♪
♪ Kiss me, baby ♪
♪ Let’s make love ♪
♪ My, oh, my ♪
♪ But it’s warm here ♪
♪ Let’s make love ♪
♪ I sure wore a tight collar ♪
♪ Let’s make love ♪
♪ I may need ♪
Mmm.
♪ A salt tablet ♪
♪ Do you know ♪
♪ A good doctor ♪
♪ Let’s ♪
♪ Make love ♪♪
♪♪ [ Ends ]
If you’re getting anywhere,
my boy, it’s much too slow.
I feel it.
I know it.
I could learn to sing,
and that will do it.
He could be right.
Between comedians
and singers,
women always go for singers.
I know. When I was younger,
I appeared in a lot
of Broadway shows.
Some romantic baritone
would come along,
and the girls
would start breathing hard.
Boy, if I had my life
to live over again,
I’d be a singer.
You want another teacher?
I’ll call one.
But the best.
The guy that I have in mind
is the greatest.
Hello. Operator?
[ Chattering ]
Oh, good morning,
Mr. Crosby.
Mr. Clement’s expecting you.
Will you step this way, please?
Give me a little run
on the piano there, Walter.
♪♪ [ Piano: Arpeggio ]
Écoutez. Commençons.
♪ I’m susceptible to stars ♪
♪ In the skies ♪
♪ I’m susceptible to stars
in the skies ♪
No, you wanna take
that dip down there.
That’s where the money is.
♪ I’m susceptible to stars
in the skies ♪
Let me hear it.
♪ I’m susceptible to stars
in the skies ♪
Good.
♪ I’m incurably romantic ♪
♪ I’m incurably romantic ♪
No, romantic’s
a very big word.
You want to lay on that.
Baste it with a lot
of schmaltz.
♪ I’m incurably romantic ♪
♪ I’m incurably romantic ♪
That’s good. That’s fine.
♪ Romantic ♪
Yes.
♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba ♪
[ Laughing ]
Oh, no, no, no.
Don’t do that around here.
You’ll get arrested now.
♪ If they’re told to me
all covered with sighs ♪
♪ The wildest of lies
seem true ♪
You see, you run it
all together like that.
Keep it moving.
All of it?
The whole thing.
The breath.
You and I will know
you’re out of breath,
but she’ll think
it’s very sexy, you see?
Let me hear it.
♪ If they’re ♪
♪ If they’re told to me
all covered with sighs ♪
♪ The wildest of lies ♪
Now a big breath.
[ Inhales ]
♪ Seem true ♪
Oh, that’s reeking with sex.
Believe me.
♪ Each time
a lovebird sings ♪
You see,
that’s showmanship.
Keeps her mind
off your voice.
♪ Each time
a lovebird sings ♪
♪ Each time
a lovebird sings ♪
♪♪ [ Whistles Trill ]
Can you whistle?
[ Laughing ]
Yes, but the–
It might be too tricky.
It might summon a lot
of wildfowl, I guess.
♪ I have no defenses ♪
♪ I have no defenses ♪
♪ My heart is off on wings ♪
♪ My heart is– ♪
♪ Along with my senses ♪
♪ I’m a setup for the moon ♪
♪ I’m a setup for the moon ♪
♪ When it’s bright ♪
♪ I’m incurably romantic ♪
♪ If they’re told– ♪♪
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Better rest.
Save your voice.
[ Whistles ]
Gee, I hope you kiss
better than you can sing,
or you’re out of business.
No good, huh?
Now, if we get you
to move a little–
Dance. Do you dance?
No.
[ Mutters ]
No dance, huh?
Wait a minute.
I think
I can swing it for you.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
If I can catch this guy,
boy, you’re a cinch.
♪♪ [ Piano: Ballad ]
Right, Mr. Kelly?
Well, the feet are right,
Mr. Clement,
but we’ll have to work
on the style.
Oh, fine.
Yeah. You-You’ll
have to, uh– to think–
I should say– Look,
you must express yourself
the way an actor does.
Actor?
Yes.
You see, a dancer expresses
with his body…
what an actor does
with words.
It’s not just the feet.
I see.
You– This dance is what?
It’s romance,
it’s a courtship,
and you have to say that
with your body.
You have to–
You say,
“Darling, I love you.”
I see.
You see, you must think that
as you dance.
Good. I’ll try.
Darling.
Yes?
I love you.
Good.
Oh, darling–
[ Chuckles ]
I’ll try again.
Darling,
I love you.
I love you, darling.
♪♪ [ Humming, Scatting ]
[ Mouths Words ]
[ Jimmy ]
On the double, everyone.
Come on. Over to the piano.
This is gonna be good news.
[ Kerry ] We’re gonna
run through a new number.
[ Mouthing Words ]
Come on, kids. Let’s go.
♪♪ [ Ballad ]
[ Indistinct ]
♪♪ [ Piano: Arpeggio ]
♪ I’m susceptible
to stars ♪
Wait a minute. I’m sorry.
He’s not going to sing it.
I brought this number
for Dumas.
Dumas?
Yes. Yes, of course.
I’m so sorry.
Miss Dell,
would you be so kind
as to try it with Mr. Dumas?
[ Cast Murmuring ]
Well, this
is a surprise.
Let’s go, kids.
I hope I didn’t
ruin it for you.
It’s not your fault.
[ Kerry ]
Kids, this is
a very expensive number.
Let’s do it proud.
♪♪ [ Piano: Arpeggio ]
[ Clears Throat ]
♪ I’m susceptible to stars
in the skies ♪
♪ I’m incurably romantic ♪
[ Chuckles ]
♪ If they’re told to me
all covered with sighs ♪
♪ The wildest of lies ♪
♪ Seem true ♪
♪♪ [ Swing Beat ]
♪ Each time
a lovebird sings ♪
♪ I have no defenses ♪
♪ My heart is off on wings ♪
♪ Along with my– ♪
[ Kerry ]
The spirit of this song
is intimacy. Real intimacy.
♪ I’m a setup for the moon ♪
Put your arms around him.
♪ When it’s bright ♪
Closer to him.
Drape yourself over him.
♪ I’m incurably romantic ♪
Melt together.
♪ And I shouldn’t be allowed ♪
Your mouth–
Closer to his cheek.
♪ Out at night ♪
Kiss him.
Just a small one.
♪ With anyone
quite like you ♪
Now another. Good.
♪ But, oh
Your arms are nice ♪
Now nuzzle him.
♪ And it would be
awfully nice ♪
Uh–
Hold it.
What’s the matter?
– Matter?
– You’re freezing.
[ Whispering ]
Just relax.
I’m sorry. I–
You’ve met Miss Dell,
haven’t you?
Yes, I have.
Well, let her get at you.
All right.
Until your last line.
Then you kiss her–
Strong. Mean it.
Make her know it.
You can do that, can’t you?
I’ll try my very best.
Well, let’s start again.
♪♪ [ Piano: Intro ]
♪ But, oh
Your arms are nice ♪
♪ And it would be
awfully nice ♪
♪ If you turned out to be ♪
♪ Starry-eyed like me ♪
♪ And ♪
♪ Incurably ♪
♪ Romantic ♪
♪ Too ♪♪
♪♪ [ Ends ]
That’s not bad.
You’ve got the general idea.
We’ll rehearse the rest
again later.
Well, now
we’re getting somewhere.
May I take you
to dinner tonight?
We’re rehearsing tonight.
I’ve never met
such a difficult girl
to feed.
[ Laughs ]
[ Rattles ]
[ Oliver ]
You know what this stuff
does to you.
You tryin’ to kill yourself?
Is this what I sat up nights
with you for?
With cold towels
on your head?
Everybody said
I was crazy to hire you,
but I believed. I believed.
And look what you’re trying
to do to yourself!
Don’t yell at him.
He’s starting
with this again.
Don’t! Give me that.
Tony, stop.
You don’t
need that stuff anymore.
Come on now.
Just because
you had a tough break–
No! No, kid.
It’s normal… for me.
[ Chuckles ]
I see it all now.
Three shows on the road
before this,
I had great numbers.
All three closed out of town.
I did my job.
Everybody said I was great.
Nobody gets to see me.
Well, now, finally
I got the message.
I’ve had it.
But it’s not your fault.
That’s just it.
Forget it, Mandy.
I want out.
How do you get out?
You say “I quit”?
That’s not out.
Tony, you’re an actor,
so wherever you go,
whatever you do–
Yeah, how do you
leave it behind?
No.
I don’t leave it behind.
Look, I know I can do the number
better than he can.
All I’m asking for is a chance.
I’m entitled to show them
what I can do with it,
but they won’t even
give me that.
It’s not fair.
He should have had a chance
at the number.
He’s entitled to that.
That backer won’t listen.
What can I do?
What can you do?
How about trying
to make him listen?
Look, I believe you deserve–
If you believe it,
then do it!
How? He’s got control now.
I’ll go out to dinner
with Alex.
I’ll keep him out
for an extra half hour.
Meantime, Tony,
you can show Mr. Welch
what you can do.
Honey, how do I get the man
to listen?
How? Put him on the stage
as soon as I leave.
The man’s not gonna
walk out of the theater.
He’s gotta listen.
I can use Lily.
She knows the song.
Good.
All right.
We’ll give it a try.
Come on, now.
[ Customers Chattering ]
[ Speaking Chinese ]
[ Chinese ]
An old Chinese toast
would be appropriate.
[ Speaking Chinese ]
[ Laughs ]
“May our children
like each other.”
Is that all?
The Chinese is longer.
“Or else we’ll have
a noisy home.”
How many languages
do you speak?
Five or six.
Listen, don’t worry
about the check.
We’ll go halves, okay?
Thank you very much,
but I have quite enough
to pay for this.
I am very happy, Amanda.
I understand tonight
why I was born.
That’s nice.
Um, couldn’t you get
a better job,
speaking
all those languages?
Someday you must go to France.
This time of year
the sky over Paris…
is exactly the color
of your eyes.
Do you mind
if I say something personal?
Not at all.
Maybe you’re not
ambitious enough.
Because
now that I know you–
For instance,
the United Nations…
or, uh,
the State Department.
They could use you,
I bet.
Or some big business
where you deal
with people from all over.
You have a way
about you, you know.
What way?
Well, not elegant, exactly,
but kind of, um,
dignified.
I say it because
every once in a while,
I can’t place you.
I think that’s because
you’re in the wrong line
of work.
Have you always
been a jewelry salesman?
No. Not always.
I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to pry.
Please, don’t be uneasy.
It’s all right.
Let’s have some more wine.
Amanda, I’m in love with you.
Now, Alex–
I’ve never said this in my life.
Amanda, I want to marry you.
Alex–
[ Nervous Chuckle ]
What do you say to me?
Then you’re not married?
Married? Why did you think–
You never said anything
about yourself,
so what was I to think?
I’m not married,
and have never been married.
Darling, only your feeling
is important.
What do you feel for me?
I must know that.
Was it something terrible?
What are you imagining?
Well, I–
I’ve done some things
in my life…
it’s very painful
to talk about.
No.
No, darling.
But people have to trust
each other.
Darling, I do trust you
more than anyone in my life.
And now
I will tell you everything.
What is it?
I have to apologize.
Here I am asking you
to trust me,
and all this time…
I’m playing an awful,
dirty trick on you.
Me?
I brought you here
to give Tony his chance
at your number.
I see.
He’s doing it
for Mr. Welch now.
We can go if you like.
Of course, if you like.
I am very sorry
that I came into your life
too late.
I hope you’ll be very happy.
Oh, I didn’t mean that.
I only wanted Tony
to have his chance.
Acting for you
is just an extra job,
but for him, it’s his life.
Please, darling, sit down.
Sit down.
I hope you’re not mad,
because I like you, Alex.
You do?
Oh, my darling girl,
marry me.
I adore you.
But–
Very well.
I won’t torture you any longer.
I am not a jewelry salesman
at all.
I am a very wealthy man.
As a matter of fact,
I am Jean-Marc Clement.
Ha.
You don’t believe it?
Come on. Let’s get some air.
I’m not fooling you.
You see, the other day
my public relations man
came in my office–
Your what?
Amanda, I am Jean-Marc Clement.
You see, I had just returned
from the Hong Kong office
the other day,
and my public relations man
said to me, “I read in the–
I’ve got my– I left–
[ Stammering ]
in the Variety”–
I-I didn’t even–
In the very–
Amanda!
Amanda!
Amanda!
I’m a billionaire!
♪♪ [ Piano: Arpeggio ]
♪ I’m incurably romantic ♪
♪ And I– ♪♪
Mr. Welch,
could we wait a minute
so I can do it with Miss Dell?
It’s really her number.
I don’t see what difference
it can possibly make.
[ Murmuring ]
Amanda.
Amanda.
Go away.
I’m getting into my costume.
Now, listen to me.
The other day I came here
with my public relations–
Darling.
I am Jean-Marc Clement.
Oh, don’t say that again.
You don’t have to be Clement.
But I do have to be.
I can’t help it.
I saw you, I wanted you,
and before I knew it,
I was Alexander Dumas.
You know what I did?
I got Bing Crosby
to work with me on a song.
I paid Milton Berle,
and Gene Kelly too and–
Oh, darling.
Yes?
It’s all my fault.
Yes.
Come in.
Yes.
Lie down.
Yes.
I told you
to get into the character
and that’s wonderful,
but now
you’ve got to get out.
Amanda, you’ll drive me crazy.
Don’t say that. Relax.
[ Whispering ]
It’ll all go away.
Listen.
There used to be an actor.
He played Abraham Lincoln
for so many years–
This is true.
He grew his own beard.
He went around in a shawl.
And you know
what they used to say?
“He looks like Lincoln,
he talks like Lincoln,
but he won’t be satisfied
till he gets shot.”
I’ll prove it to you.
That doesn’t matter.
You don’t have to be
a rich man.
No?
If you mean what you say.
Money doesn’t mean
anything to me.
I get jobs.
Forget all that,
will you?
Oh, my dear girl.
How long I have waited
to hear that.
I’m so glad.
I’m so glad.
Now tell me.
Who are you?
Amanda,
I am Jean-Marc Clement.
Now, look.
Enough’s enough, Alexander.
Okay, call Berle.
Call Gene Kelly.
Call Bing Crosby!
Come on.
Sure. I’ll go right out
and get ’em on the phone.
You get a kick out of this,
whoever you are.
I can’t stand anyone
who makes fun of me.
Can I be
of any assistance?
George.
What?
Tell her who I am.
Who you are? Certainly.
He’s Alexander Dumas.
No, George!
Tell her the truth.
The truth?
Yes.
Oh, I beg your pardon.
That’s different.
Actually, he’s Jean-Marc–
Marc Clement!
What?
Who are you?
King Farouk, I suppose.
I hope you both enjoyed it.
It’s true what they say–
There’s no comedians left!
But– That–
♪♪ [ Jazz Ballad ]
♪ I’m susceptible ♪
♪ To stars in the skies ♪
♪ I’m incurably romantic ♪
♪ If they’re told to me ♪
♪ All covered with sighs ♪
♪ The wildest of lies ♪
♪ Seem true ♪
♪ Each time a lovebird sings ♪
♪ I have no defenses ♪
♪ My heart is off on wings ♪
♪ Along with my senses ♪
♪ I’m a setup for the moon
when it’s bright ♪
♪ I’m incurably romantic ♪
♪ And I shouldn’t be
allowed out at night ♪
♪ With anyone quite like you ♪
♪ But, oh, your arms are nice ♪
♪ And it would be awfully nice ♪
Is it too much to ask
whether I like his performance?
Of course you like it.
That’s not the problem.
♪ Turned out to be ♪
♪ Starry-eyed like me ♪
♪ And incurably ♪
♪ Romantic ♪
♪ Too ♪♪
Listen.
Get an injunction
to close the show.
Invasion of privacy.
[ Chattering ]
I don’t know–
[ Indistinct ]
He can’t do this.
It’s impossible.
Obviously he can, my dear.
This is a very legal document.
Brother!
This is the end.
The story of my life.
[ Coffman ]
I guess you’ll have to cut
the “Specialization” number.
You can’t cut that.
It’s a wonderful number.
Oh, I love that number.
Yes, but he resents
the ridicule.
We’ll get a lawyer.
Who is he? Hitler?
Excuse me.
I have a suggestion.
For every lawyer
you get,
Mr. Clement
will have five.
That’s not good.
You have
a much better weapon.
What’s that?
The one thing Clement
cannot resist–
a beautiful woman.
[ Coffman ]
Say now.
If Miss Dell
would pay him a visit,
I feel sure
she could charm him.
Charm him?
I could murder him.
He’ll adore you.
I’m sure.
What about that, Amanda?
Maybe if you told him
what the show was really like–
I think it would be
a good idea, young man,
if you went along too.
After all,
they’re both French, you know.
[ Coffman ]
That’s right.
They both of ’em are French.
I would be glad
to help if I can.
Try it,
will ya, Amanda?
There’s no time
to fight him in court
if we’re gonna open tonight.
But I’m not going alone with him
or his friend here.
No, honey, we’ll all go.
Come on.
I’ll try to make
an appointment.
I think it might be better
if I made the call.
[ Burton ]
Swell! You can tell him
in French.
– Good morning, sir.
– Good morning.
We want to see
Mr. Clement.
We’re from
the Let’s Make Love company.
It’s very important.
[ Whispering ]
What’s the matter with her?
Did I say something?
Hey, what’s the matter
with you?
Won’t you come in?
She didn’t say
it’s all right though,
did she?
No.
Good morning, sir.
Good morning.
We want to see
Mr. Clement.
Is he in?
Yes, miss.
I suppose we may as well go in.
What is this?
A war of nerves?
Alex!
You can’t sit there.
You can’t look
through his mail!
[ Click ]
I’ll do the mail now.
You’ve got to see a doctor.
Come.
We gotta get outta here.
Come. Come quietly.
Quietly.
We gotta get outta he–
– Good morning.
Bonjour, monsieur.
To Dottore Gina Martinelli,
Milano.
[ Speaking Italian ]
[ Continues In Italian ]
Jean-Marc Clement.
Why don’t you sit down?
This won’t take long.
No, sir. I won’t.
That will be all.
Please, darling.
[ Laughs ]
Darling.
There was no other way.
You–
Shame on you!
Please understand.
Letting me go on and on
like a fool…
when you knew
how I felt about you.
I– I apologize.
I beg you.
Darling! Forgive me, darling.
I beg you.
But look–
Look what happened
the moment you knew who I was.
Even you were impressed.
Admit it.
You no longer saw me.
You saw only power.
Really, I’ve never
been so humiliated
in my life.
The least you could have done
is tell me who you are.
I did tell you.
How did you expect me
to believe it?
Because it was true.
That’s no excuse.
Listen, darling.
Listen.
And I never want
to see you again
as long as I live!
Amanda.
Amanda!
[ Elevator Dings ]
[ Jean-Marc On Speaker ]
Amanda– Amanda, darling,
listen to me.

I ask you to stop the elevator
and come back.

I will not.
I’m up here
on the top of the world, Amanda,

but my soul is going
down to the street with you,

so I beg you to understand
that I must stop the elevator.

Brace yourself, darling.
You will not stop–
[ Elevator Powering Down ]
[ Elevator Powering Up ]
[ Elevator Dings ]
And don’t think
you’re going to charm
your way out of this–
What a life!
And all the time
I’m trying to figure out
how to buy you a square meal.
How could you bear
watching me make a fool
out of myself?
♪ Here we stand ♪
♪ And we argue ♪
♪ What are we ♪
Alexander Dumas.
♪ Thinking of ♪
The Three Musketeers.
♪ Let’s not make ♪
♪ With the pfft, pfft ♪
♪ Baby ♪
Faker.
♪ Let’s make love ♪
Why do I like you?
♪ You’ll just love ♪
♪ My embraces ♪
♪ ‘Cause they’ll fit ♪
♪ Like a glove ♪
♪ We could get ♪
♪ Down to cases ♪
♪ Maybe ♪
♪ Kiss me, baby ♪
My. Oh, my.
It’s warm here.
♪ Let’s make love ♪
Should I still
get my diploma?
♪ Let’s make love ♪
Oh, darling.
Will they be surprised
at night school.