Just Married

Just Married

Amazon

Just Married chronicles the beleaguered romance of Tom Leezak (Ashton Kutcher) and Sarah McNerney (Brittany Murphy), a young couple unexpectedly swept off their feet after their first meeting. Following their wedding, the happy couple sets off – with the highest of hopes and ideals about love and marriage – on what they expect will be the perfect vacation in Italy. Thanks to Sarah’s wealthy ex-boyfriend and a relentless string of bad luck, the happy couple experiences a honeymoon from hell that tests the limits of their young love.
[ Man On P.A. ]
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.

FLIGHT 217 FROM VENICE, ITALY,
NOW ARRIVING AT GATE 34.

PLEASE CLAIM ALL BAGGAGE
AT CAROUSEL NUMBER TWO

IN BAGGAGE CLAIM.
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.
FLIGHT 217 FROM VENICE, ITALY,
NOW ARRIVING AT GATE 34.

PLEASE CLAIM ALL BAGGAGE
AT CAROUSEL NUMBER TWO

IN BAGGAGE CLAIM.
♪ I DON’T NEED NO TV ♪
♪ I DON’T NEED NO NEWS ♪
♪ ALL I NEED IS
A BUMP AND BEAT ♪

♪ TO BUMP AWAY MY BLUES ♪
♪ I DON’T REALLY CARE
WHAT PEOPLE SAY ♪

AHH!
AAAH. HOT!
♪ I’LL DO WHAT I PLEASE ♪
[ Grunting ]
♪ JUST DOING MY THING ♪
♪ BOOM, BOOM, BOOM
AND A BANG, BANG, BANG ♪

♪ BOOM, BANG
BOOM, BABY ♪

♪ BOOM, BANG
BOOM, BABY ♪

♪ DO YOUR THING ♪
♪ DO YOUR THING ♪
♪ DO YOUR THING ♪
♪ DO YOUR THING ♪
AAAH!
UHH!
I’LL BE BY TOMORROW
FOR MY STUFF!
OH, UH, CALL FIRST.
‘CAUSE I MIGHT BE HAVING SEX
WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER!
[ Man ]
FORTY-FIVE MINUTES FOR A CAB.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
CHEESE AND RICE!
OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH! BOY, YOU
GOT IT IN THERE,
DIDN’T YOU, HONEY?
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[ Sighs ]
I NEED A RIDE.
GET OUT OF MY WAY.
[ Starts Engine ]
[ Revs Engine ]
OOH!
GET IN!
JUST TRY AND KEEP IT
ON THE ROAD FOR A CHANGE.
[ Tires Screech ]
CAN’T YOU GET IT
ANY CLOSER?
I DON’T WANT TO
SCRATCH THE PAINT.
[ Beep ]
WHAT DO YOU DO HERE,
TOM LEEZAK?
JUST OPEN THE GATE, YUAN.
[ Yuan ]
YOU AND TOM
NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE.
JUST OPEN THE GATE, YUAN!
[ Yuan ]
OKAY.

AH.
[ Brakes Screech ]
THAT ONE
LOOKS HEAVY.
GET THAT JUNK WAGON
OUT OF HERE.
RIGHT AWAY, PRINCESS!
[ Tires Screeching ]
[ Engine Revving ]
NOT ONE WORD.
ARE MOM AND DAD HOME?
NO. THEY’RE AT
THE EMPHYSEMA BALL.
DON’T WORRY, PEEWEE,
WE’LL GET THIS TOM MESS
CLEANED UP.
SARAH.
[ Crying Softly ]
♪ I WANT TO FEEL
SOMETHING BETTER ♪

KYLE.
[ Snoring ]
KYLE.
WAKE UP.
[ Snoring ]
OKAY, I’M HOME.
SO, YOU CAN LEAVE
WHENEVER YOU WANT.
[ Beep ]
[ Sarah’s Voice ]
HI, THIS IS TOM AND SARAH,
AND WE CAN’T COME
TO THE PHONE RIGHT NOW
BECAUSE WE’RE HONEYMOONING
IN EUROPE! YEA!
[ Tom’s Voice ]
SEND A LARGE WEDDING GIFT,
OR WE WON’T CALL YOU BACK–
I’M SERIOUS.
[ Beep ]
TOM, KYLE.
I GOT YOUR MESSAGE.
I’M SORRY THE HONEYMOON SUCKED.
ANYWAY, DON’T WIG.
I’LL SET UP
LODGING IN YOUR PLACE.
AND WHEN YOU GET BACK,
WE’LL DO SOME BUDWEISER THERAPY.
[ Beep ]
HI, SARAH. IT’S PETER.
I THOUGHT I MIGHT
CATCH YOU IN.
AND, TOM, IF YOU’RE
LISTENING, BUDDY,
I FEEL YOUR PAIN.
[ Beep ]
SO WHERE YOU BEEN, MAN?
YOU’RE ON IN FIVE.
I WALKED OVER.
I HAD TO CLEAR MY HEAD.
SO? WHAT HAPPENED?
I HAD THE PERFECT
RELATIONSHIP
THAT WAS RUINED BY MARRIAGE.
I MEAN, YOU SAW IT,
RIGHT?
WE WERE PERFECT FROM
THE MINUTE WE MET.
RIGHT?
YEAH. IN FACT,
IT WAS NAUSEATING.
THANK YOU, FRED.
BLUE 28! BLUE 28!
WATCH THE ONE!
WATCH THE ONE!

SET! HUT!
I’M OPEN!
I’M OPEN!
WHOO! OHH!
FOOTBALL!
HUH? UHH!
OOF!
OH.
SORRY!
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH.
YOU HAD NOTHING ON IT.
[ Laughing ]
♪ I FEEL MY WINGS
HAVE BROKEN ♪

CHEERS,
SARAH McNERNEY.
CHEERS, TOM LEEZAK.
SO WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN
YOU’RE NOT JOE MONTANA?
I WORK AT KNR RADIO.
YOUR TRAFFIC INFORMATION
STATION.
SO I HAVE MYSELF A REAL
LIVE RADIO HOST, HUH?
NO. SOMEDAY I’LL BE THAT GUY.
SPORTS, HOPEFULLY.
RIGHT NOW, I JUST DO
SPOT TRAFFIC REPORTS.
ON THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT.
EVERY OTHER WEEK.
WHEN THE FULL-TIME GUY’S SICK.
[ Chuckles ]
YOU’RE THAT TOM?
YEAH. YOU ACTUALLY
HEARD ME ON THE AIR?
YEAH. I CALLED IN ABOUT
A WEEK AGO, LIKE 3:00 A.M.
YOU SAID THE PASADENA
FREEWAY WAS ALL CLEAR,
SO I TOOK IT AND GOT STUCK
BEHIND A JACKKNIFED BIG RIG
FOR, LIKE, THREE HOURS.
SARAH FROM BEVERLY HILLS.
WHO CALLED ME A…
FATHEAD.
YOU GOT PRETTY HEATED.
VERY HEATED.
SO, 3:00 A.M.?
THAT’S A LITTLE BIT PAST
YOUR BEDTIME, NOW ISN’T IT?
HOW DO YOU KNOW
MY BEDTIME?
I WAS WRAPPING OUT
AN AUCTION.
I’M A GOFER
AT SOTHEBY’S.
BEVERLY HILLS,
SOTHEBY’S.
LET ME GUESS.
MARKETING MAJOR, STANFORD.
SMARTY-PANTS
IN THE FRONT ROW.
ART HISTORY MAJOR,
WELLESLEY, BACK ROW.
OH, BACK ROW.
SWEET! ME TOO.
COMMUNICATIONS, BURBANK
COMMUNITY COLLEGE.
YOU WANNA HEAR
THE FIGHT SONG?
N-NO, THANK YOU.
ARE YOU SURE?
I’M REALLY GOOD AT IT.
NO, REALLY.
THANKS.
THAT’S A GOOD CHOICE.
McNERNEY–
YOU’RE NOT
BY ANY CHANCE
DAUGHTER OF DAN McNERNEY,
PART OWNER OF THE LAKERS
AND DODGERS McNERNEY?
I’LL TAKE THAT AS A YES.
YOU READY TO GET YOUR ASS
KICKED AT EIGHT-BALL, LEEZAK?
HA HA HA HA. YOU ARE
DREAMING, WELLESLEY.
I WENT TO DAY CARE
IN A POOL HALL.
OH. PRETTY CONFIDENT THERE,
HUH, FATHEAD?

♪ IT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING ♪
[ Barking ]
BAGS, SHUSH.
BAGS, SHH!
♪ I CAN TRY
TO JUSTIFY ♪

♪ BUT I STILL NEED YOU
HERE WITH ME ♪

♪ IN MY HEART I HAD HOPE ♪
[ Growling And Barking ]
♪ ANSWERS STILL
ARE LEFT BEHIND ♪

♪♪ [ Continues Indistinctly ]
WOW.
YEAH.
[ Tom Narrating ]
AND THAT WAS IT.

A MONTH LATER,
WE MOVED IN TOGETHER.

AND WHY THE HELL
DID WE GET MARRIED
WHEN WE HAD LOVING EACH
OTHER SO COMPLETELY NAILED?
I DON’T KNOW.
TEN SECONDS.
WELL, WHY DOES ANYONE
GET MARRIED?
DOES IT MAKE SENSE
TO BE WITH ONE PERSON
FOR YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?
PEOPLE CHANGE.
THEY GROW.
YOU’RE ON, TOM.
MAYBE WE’D STILL
BE TOGETHER
IF I’D GOTTEN
THE PROPOSAL RIGHT,
BUT NOPE–
THE PROPOSAL IS CRITICAL,
AND I BLEW IT.
TOM!
[ Soothing Tones ]
THIS IS TOM LEEZAK
WITH KNR TRAFFIC
AT 2:06 A.M.
AT THIS HOUR, THERE ARE
APPROXIMATELY SEVEN VEHICLES
ON ALL SOUTHLAND FREEWAYS.
SO IF YOU FEEL LIKE
SKATEBOARDING DOWN THE 405,
SHE’S WIDE OPEN.
STAY TUNED FOR ANOTHER
TRAFFIC UPDATE IN 10 MINUTES
ON KNR, YOUR TRAFFIC
INFORMATION STATION.
[ Fred ] AND WE’RE OUT.
LOOK HERE, TOM.
YOU GOTTA FOCUS.
ALL RIGHT, MAN?
FORGET ABOUT PROPOSALS.
FORGET ABOUT MARRIAGE.

ALL RIGHT?
[ Growling ]
BAGS.
DO YOU HAVE TO GRUNT
ALL THE TIME?
YOU’RE JUST LIKE…
A LITTLE PIG WITH HAIR.
WOULD YOU– OH, LOOK AT ME.
I’M JUST THE CUTEST DOGGY
IN THE WO-WORLD.
I’M THE CUTEST DOGGY
IN THE WORLD.
THROW THE BALL FOR ME.
I’LL PULL ON YOUR LEG ALL DAY.
BAGS! SERIOUSLY, I WILL–
BAGS, I’M READING.
[ Growling ]
GO… FETCH.
[ Barking ]
[ Whimpering,
Brakes Screeching ]

[ Thud, Screeching ]
[ Sarah ]
IT WASN’T LIKE BAGS
TO CHASE PIGEONS.

THIS PIGEON WAS CRUEL.
IT WAS–
BAGS, HE JUST–
WHOO, HE JUST WENT FOR HIM.
HE WAS TAUNTING.
AND… SQUAWKING.
SQUAWKING?
OH… SQUAWKING.
[ Scoffs ]
AT FIRST, IT WAS–
IT WAS MORE OF A-A–
MORE OF A PURRING.
COO. YOU KNOW HOW THEY–
COO…
YEAH.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN,
BAGS WAS–
YOU KNOW, GOT HIS ATTENTION.
HE HAS A LOW
TOLERANCE
FOR THOSE KINDS
OF ANNOYANCES.
BUT THEN IT TURNED INTO
THIS, LIKE, SHRILL
C-CAW…
AIIKKAA… AIIAAA,
AIIKK, AIIKK, AIIKK,
AAIIAAA.
YOU’RE LYING.
WHAT?
YOUR NOSTRILS ALWAYS
FLARE WHEN YOU LIE.
FLARE.
FLARE!
THEY’RE NOT FLARING.
I’M NOT LYING.
HONEY, I’M SORRY.
I’M SORRY.
I’M JUST REALLY OVERWHELMED.
YOU PROMISE WE’LL NEVER LIE
TO EACH OTHER?
IT’S A PROMISE.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
LISTEN… SARAH–
I WANT TO MARRY YOU,
TOM LEEZAK.
I WANT TO MARRY YOU TOO.
[ Yuan ]
WHY YOU BRING
DODGE TO FRONT?
PARK AT
SERVICE ENTRANCE.
OPEN THE GATE, YUAN.
[ Yuan ]
OKAY.
HERE WE GO!
[ Sarah Whooping,
Giggling ]

[ Tom Hums “Wedding March” ]
WELL, WELL, WELL.
WHAT A SURPRISE!
MOM.
OH, WELCOME
TO THE FAMILY, TOM.
THANK YOU,
MRS. McNERNEY.
OH, YOU CAN CALL ME
PUSSY NOW.
THANK YOU.
PUSSY.
WELL, WONDERFUL.
WONDERFUL!

YUAN, CHAMPAGNE
FOR EVERYBODY!
KNOCK IT OFF, DICKIE!
PEEWEE, MY YOUNGEST DAUGHTER.
YOU LITTLE REBEL.
AND YOU,
TOM LEEZAK,
YOU’RE…
WELL–
WONDERFUL SURPRISE.
THANK YOU,
MR. McNERNEY.
I–
I JUST HOPE
THAT I CAN BE…
ALL THAT I CAN BE…
IN THIS…
FAMILY.
WELL…
I LOVE SARAH.
THAT’S ALL
I NEED TO KNOW.
WELL, YOU REALLY
MISSED THE BOAT,
DIDN’T YOU,
PRENTISS?
YES, I DID, DAN.
YOU BET YOUR ASS
YOU DID.
I SHOULD’VE BEEN
COURTING SARAH
INSTEAD OF PUTTING IN
19-HOUR DAYS AT THE OFFICE.
ANYWAY…
CONGRATULATIONS,
TO BOTH OF YOU.
SERIOUSLY, FROM…
FROM MY HEART.
THANK YOU, PETER.
YOU’RE A LUCKY MAN.
HEY, I KNOW THAT.
GRAB A FLUTE
OF BUBBLY AND RISE.

EVERYBODY READY?
WHY IS PETER PRENTISS HERE?
DAD’S DOING A BUSINESS
DEAL WITH HIM.
ALL RIGHT.
HEALTH, WEALTH, HAPPINESS!
[ All ]
HEALTH, WEALTH, HAPPINESS!
[Peter ]
ALL RIGHT.
PEEWEE, 10-YARD OUT.
LEEZAK, GIMME
A FIVE-YARD SLANT.
YOU GOT THIS, MAN.
DON’T WORRY
ABOUT IT.
CALM DOWN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
CALM DOWN?
HEY, WHY DO BAD THINGS
HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?
THAT’S WHAT
I WANT TO KNOW.
WHERE’S THAT
IN YOUR BOOK?
SHE’S VERY DETERMINED,
YOU KNOW.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
LOOK, HE’S A POLACK.
NO, HE’S A–
HE’S A POLACK.
I KNOW THAT.
I WARNED YOU.
LET’S SEE WHAT
LEEZAK’S PACKING.
READY? ALL RIGHT.
AND BREAK!
BREAK!
[ Peter ]
ON ONE. READY?
[ All ]
BREAK!
[ Peter ]
YOU GIRLS READY FOR THIS?

DOWN!
SET!
UNH!
OH. GEE.
[ Laughs ]
THAT WAS A HARD ONE.
THAT WAS A TOUGH ONE.
[ Groans ]
YEAH!
THAT’S WHAT
I’M TALKIN’ ABOUT.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
WILLIE?
HEY, I SLIPPED.
[ Groans ]
I STILL GOT MY FLAG.
I’M GOOD. I’M GOOD.
OH, MY PEEWEE.
ALWAYS MOVING SO FAST.
YOU MOVE IN TOGETHER
AFTER A MONTH,
LIVE TOGETHER FOR NINE MONTHS,
AND NOW YOU’RE ENGAGED.
OH, I KNOW YOU LOVE HIM,
BUT YOU KNOW
SOMETIMES IT TAKES
MORE THAN LOVE
TO SUSTAIN A MARRIAGE.
YOU NEED TO BE OLD ENOUGH
TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE
AND WHAT YOU WANT
AND WHO HE IS.
OH, MOM, MOM,
HE’S WILD
AND SPONTANEOUS
AND HYSTERICAL
AND OFFBEAT,
AND ON TOP OF ALL THAT,
HE’S CENTERED,
AND HE’S DOWN TO EARTH.
HE’S EVERYTHING I WANT,
AND WE HAVE THIS PASSION
FOR EACH OTHER
THAT’S JUST… OH!
I’M JEALOUS.
HA HA HA!
ALL RIGHT.
FIRST THING TOMORROW
WE’RE GONNA PLAN
THIS WEDDING!
[ Screams ]
HEY, YOU.
SO I GUESS EVERYONE
THINKS THAT WE’RE CRAZY
FOR DOING THIS.
NOW, WHEN DID WE START CARING
ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK?
WELL, ARE YOU SURE THAT
YOU DON’T WANT TO MARRY
A GUY LIKE PETER?
IF I WANTED TO KNOW
EXACTLY WHAT MY LIFE WOULD BE
FROM HERE ON OUT,
I WOULD MARRY
A GUY LIKE PETER.
BUT I LOVE NOT KNOWING.
I LOVE OUR MESSY LOFT.
YOUR BEATER CAR.
HA HA.
I WANT TO START A LIFE
WITH YOU.
[ Mr. McNerney ]
SARAH?
– GO.
HI, DADDY.
PEEWEE…
MARRIAGE IS LIKE
A BUSINESS INVESTMENT.
ITS– ITS LONG-TERM
VIABILITY
IS BEST ESTABLISHED
UNEMOTIONALLY.
BOTTOM LINE, DADDY?
WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS, TSK.
[ Tom Coughing ]
LEEZAK.
GOOD NIGHT, SIR.
[ Squeals ]
[ Man ]
CONGRATULATIONS,
MR. LEEZAK.

BIG DADDY LEEZAK’S
IN THE HOUSE!

OH, I HOPE SHE DOESN’T
SPOOK ON YOU, MAN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I LOVE SARAH.
DON’T GET ME WRONG, BUT…
RICH CHICKS SPOOK.
A POWERFUL DADDY
PLUS FAMILY MONEY
EQUALS EXPECTATIONS.
EXPECTATIONS ARE LIKE
A FUNGAL ROT ON A MARRIAGE.
MY MARRIAGE IS NOT
GONNA HAVE A FUNGAL ROT.
WE’RE GONNA BE
HAPPILY MARRIED EVERY DAY
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES.
UNLESS SHE FINDS OUT THAT
YOU SLAUGHTERED HER DOG.
OH, DON’T WORRY.
I’LL TAKE THAT TO MY GRAVE.
OKAY.
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
AT THE ALTAR,
JUST PASS OUT.
I’M NOT GOING TO
CHANGE MY MIND.
OKAY. I’M JUST SAYING
IF YOU DO,
JUST HIT THE FLOOR.
THANK YOU, BUT IT’S
NOT GONNA HAPPEN.
SO, YOU’RE SURE
YOU’RE READY
TO GIVE UP
YOUR GRAZING RIGHTS?
I’M NOT A GRAZER, KYLE.
WELL, WHAT IF YOU BECAME ONE
LATER IN LIFE?
I MEAN,
OVER THE NEXT 10 YEARS,
YOU’RE GIVING UP
FIVE HAYRIDES PER YEAR.
SO I CAN EITHER BE
HAPPILY MARRIED TO SARAH
OR HAVE
50 ONE-NIGHT STANDS.
MINIMUM.
THAT’S NOT EVEN A CHOICE.
OKAY, OKAY.
LET’S MOVE ON.
ARE THERE ANY CHICKS
YOU DIDN’T HAVE
THAT YOU WISH YOU HAD?
YOU ARE, LIKE,
THE WORST BEST MAN EVER.
[ Willie ]
HEY, PETER!
OVER HERE, PRENTISS.
I CAN’T BELIEVE
SHE INVITED PRENTISS.
GLAD YOU MADE IT.
HEY, MAN.
WHAT’S GOING ON?
DID SHE EVER HOOK UP
WITH THAT YAHOO?
THEY WENT BACKPACKING
IN EUROPE ONCE.
IT WAS
AFTER HIGH SCHOOL.
I DON’T THINK
ANYTHING HAPPENED.
WHOA.
YOU’RE GETTING MARRIED,
AND SHE DIDN’T
SHARE THE ROSTER?
SHE SHARED THE ROSTER.
[ Thunder ]
MERRICK AND BRUCE.
WHAT ABOUT PRENTISS?
[ Booming Thunder ]
AND YOU NEVER ASKED
AGAIN?
I WON. IT’S IRRELEVANT.
OH.
OKAY.
AS LONG AS YOU’RE OKAY
WITH A BOGUS ROSTER.
IT’S NOT A BOGUS ROSTER.
IS HE ON,
OR IS HE OFF?
HE’S…
SHUT UP.
HUH? HUH?
[ Willie Laughing ]
AND YOU COULD’VE HAD PETER.
I DID HAVE PETER.
IT WASN’T THAT HOT, OKAY?
[ Laughs ]
EXCUSE ME?
I WAS IN SEATTLE
HELPING ON
AN APPRAISAL,
RAN INTO PETER–
WE WENT OUT.
I DRANK
WAY TOO MUCH,
AND BEFORE
I KNEW IT WE…

TUSSLED.
YOU BAD GIRL.
I WANTED TO TELL TOM
SO MANY TIMES,
BUT HE GETS SO JEALOUS,
YOU KNOW?
LISTEN, IT DOESN’T MATTER
THAT HE DOESN’T KNOW.
IT’S NOT LIKE
YOU GUYS WERE MARRIED,
AND EVEN IF YOU WERE–
NO, NO, NO.
IT MATTERS TO ME.
IT’S LIKE LIVING A LIE.
I CANNOT LIVE A LIE.
THERE WILL ALWAYS BE
THIS BIG, FAT ELEPHANT
IN THE ROOM WITH US.
LISTEN, PEEWEE.
NEVER TELL HIM.

IT’S TIME TO GO, SARAH.
COME ON.
GOT EVERYTHING?
YES.
HOW YOU HOLDING UP?
PUSSY’S A MESS.
I’M JUST TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW.
BE PREPARED.
♪♪ [ Organ Plays
“Here Comes The Bride” ]
[ Howling
With Laughter ]
WAIT.
OKAY.
OH! OW.
OOH.
ARE YOU OKAY?
YES.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I’M FINE.
THIS THRESHOLD THING
ISN’T AS EASY AS IT LOOKS.
[ Tom Laughing ]
DADDY GOT THE BIG SUITE!
YEAH, HE DID.
WE’RE
REALLY MARRIED.
WE’RE REALLY, REALLY
REALLY MARRIED.
FOREVER AND EVER.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE… IT?
I DON’T KNOW.
DO YOU?
OH… I’M KIND OF TIRED.
ME TOO.
I AM. I MEAN,
YEAH.
OKAY.
[ Inhales Sharply ]
WHAT’S THE MATTER?
IT’S OUR WEDDING NIGHT,
AND WE DON’T WANT TO HAVE SEX.
NO. UH…
IT’S OKAY.
WE’RE TIRED.
IT’S FINE.
IT’S JUST THAT THIS
IS OUR WEDDING DAY,
AND IT’S SOMETHING
I FANTASIZED ABOUT
MY WHOLE LIFE.
♪♪ [ Organ Plays
“Wedding March” ]
AND NOW IT’S OVER.
[ Sobbing ]
DID YOU HAVE
WEDDING FANTASIES
WHEN YOU WERE
A LITTLE BOY?
♪♪ [ Star Wars Theme ]
KINDA.
OH, HONEY.
OH, MY GOD.
TOMORROW, MY PARENTS
ARE GONNA KNOW
I’M NOT A VIRGIN
ANYMORE.
SARAH…
WHOA.
YOU HAVEN’T BEEN A VIRGIN
SINCE COLLEGE.
I KNOW. I KNOW,
BUT TOMORROW THEY’RE
GONNA KNOW FOR SURE
THAT I’M NOT A VIRGIN,
AND THEY’RE GONNA KNOW
THAT YOU DEFLOWERED ME.
OH, GOD! OH, NO!
OH, HONEY!
DEFLOWERED?
THAT’S WHAT MY MOM
ALWAYS CALLED IT.
MY MOMMY.
OH, SARAH.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
HEY. HEY.
I LOVE YOU.
OKAY?
AND WE HAVE OUR ENTIRE LIVES
TO HAVE SEX,
SO IT’S OKAY
IF WE DON’T DO IT TONIGHT.
OKAY?
NOW I KIND OF
FEEL LIKE IT.
REALLY?
YEAH.
THAT WAS
A SEXY SPEECH.
I TURN IT ON
EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.
OH. BLOODY NOSE.
BLOODY NOSE.
OH, HELLO, HELLO,
HELLO, HELLO.
[ Laughs ]
YOU’RE MINE
FOR ONE NIGHT,
AND YOU’RE FALLING
APART ALREADY.
I’M NOT GONNA HAVE TO
TRADE YOU IN, AM I?
OKAY, OKAY.
THERE YOU GO.
JUST LIKE THAT.
STOP THE BLEEDING.
I LOOK LIKE A CHIMP.
YOU LOOK GORGEOUS.
LET’S GO TO SLEEP.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU TOO,
BABE.
SWEETIE, OUR PLANE
LEAVES IN AN HOUR.
AAAH! AAAH!
[ Both Groaning ]
OKAY, SO THAT WASN’T
THE SMOOTHEST START
TO A HONEYMOON.
BUT TOMORROW WE WILL BE
AT THE FOOT OF THE ALPS
AT THE HOTEL DuREVE.
YES, WE WILL.
IT’S GONNA BE
TOTALLY PERFECT.
YES. IT SOUNDS
TOTALLY PERFECT.
BUT I CAN’T WAIT
UNTIL THEN.
JIMMY CRACK CORN!
CLOSE IT, BITCH!
THERE’S A LOCK ON THE DOOR
FOR A REASON, JUNIOR.
[ Boy ]
I’M CLAUSTROPHOBIC, OKAY?

DO WE HAVE
A PROBLEM?
NO.
NO PROBLEM.
WE’RE JUST WAITING.
MM-HMM.
[ Toilet Flushes ]
MEXICAN FOOD.
THAT’S
AN OXYMORON.
SWEET LORD.
WHERE DOES THAT COME FROM?
LET’S JUST WAIT.
OH, MY GOSH.
[ Stewardess ] THE CAPTAIN
IS ANTICIPATING TURBULENCE

AND HAS TURNED ON
THE FASTEN SEAT BELT SIGN.

KINDLY RETURN TO YOUR SEATS.
OKAY.
BREATHE THROUGH YOUR MOUTH.
BREATHE THROUGH YOUR MOUTH.
NO.
BREATHE THROUGH YOUR MOUTH.
JUST DO IT. JUST DO IT.
HURRY UP.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.
LET ME JUST–
OH!
[ Laughing ]
SHH.
THIS IS GONNA WORK.
THIS IS GONNA WORK.
WAIT. I’M GONNA STEP ON–
PERFECT.
AAAH!
WHAT?
THE CRAPPER’S
GOT MY FOOT.
OH. OKAY, WAIT.
LET ME HELP. OKAY.
OKAY.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
[ Sarah Laughing ]
RETURN TO YOUR SEATS,
PLEASE.
BE RIGHT OUT.
OKAY. OKAY, READY?
OKAY. ONE, TWO, THREE.
RETURN TO YOUR SEATS NOW,
PLEASE.
BEAT IT, STEW!
RETURN–
PLAYTIME IS OVER, CHILDREN.
STOP.
GO TO YOUR SEATS!
DO YOU HEAR ME?

[ Tom ]
LET’S FLUSH IT.
[ Sarah ]
YOU FLUSH.
I’LL PULL.

[ Toilet Flushes ]
I CAN’T GET IT OUT.
THE CAPTAIN HAS TURNED ON
THE FASTEN SEAT BELT SIGN!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
COUNT OF THREE. READY?
[ Both ]
ONE, TWO, THREE.
OW! AAAH!
[ Man On P.A.
Speaking French ]

WELL, THERE’S SOMETHING
WE CAN TELL THE
GRANDCHILDREN ABOUT.
GREAT STORY
FOR THE KIDS.
[ Both Screech ]
[ Clears Throat ]
BONJOUR.

HOW YOU DOIN’ THERE,
CHIEF?
HEY, CAN WE GET THE, UH,
LE
CAR FOR LE ZAK?
BONJOUR. AH, LES RÉSERVATIONS
SONT POUR LEEZAK.

AH, OUI,
MADEMOISELLE.

[ Giggles ]
YOU NEVER TOLD ME
YOU SPOKE FRENCH.
IT WAS
THAT SUMMER ABROAD.
I BACKPACKED TO EUROPE.
AH, HERE WE ARE, UH,
FOR MR. AND MRS. LEEZAK.
UH, MUST BE
SOME MISTAKE, NON?
NO, NO MISTAKE.
MISTER AND MISSUS.
WHAT THE HELL?
THESE SPORTS SCORES
ARE TWO DAYS OLD.
– SO?
– SO, YOU KNOW PERFECTLY WELL
IF I DON’T HAVE AN UP-TO-DATE
SPORTS SECTION TO WORK WITH,
IT THROWS OFF MY WHOLE DAY,
STARTIN’ WITH MY MORNING DUMP.
HONEY, THERE’S GONNA BE
SATELLITE TV IN THE HOTEL.
OH.
[ Giggles ]
VOILÁ.
AH. I WONDER WHAT KIND
OF WHEELS WE GOT?
[ Jingles ]
I’M TELLING YOU.
THIS IS NOT THE CAR.

I SPECIFICALLY ORDERED
A COMPACT.

[ Horn Honks ]
THIS IS
A EUROPEAN COMPACT.

NO, THIS IS A
RINGLING BROS. COMPACT.

I’VE OWNED TONKA TRUCKS
BIGGER THAN THIS CAR.

I MEAN, HONEY, I LOOKED
AT THE BROCHURE,
AND THERE WAS
A FIESTA ON THE COVER,
NOT A BINGO.
AW, BABY NEEDS
A GREAT BIG CAR
TO MAKE HIM HAPPY.
UH, WELL, WE COULD REALLY
USE THE DODGE ABOUT NOW.
[ Manly Voice ]
“OH, WE COULD REALLY
USE THE DODGE
ABOUT NOW.”
WHAT WAS THAT?
YOU JUST SOUND
SO “UH-MERICAN.”
“OH, WE COULD REALLY USE
THE DODGE ABOUT NOW, MMM.
“WHILE I’M MAKIN’
A DOODY,
“CAN YOU HAND ME
MY SPORTS SECTION
“AND A BEER WITH THAT?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MA’AM.”
ARE YOU MOCKING ME?
NO, BABY.
JUST FLOOR IT.
I AM FLOORING IT.
IF I PUSHED ANY HARDER,
MY FOOT WOULD BLOW
THROUGH THE FLOOR,
AND WE’D BE FLINTSTONING
OUR ASSES THERE.
OOH! WHOA, WHOA!
TURN HERE!
[ Tires Screech,
Horn Honks ]
[ Tires Screech ]
[ Tom ]
YOU OKAY?

YEAH, YOU?
YEAH.
IF YOU WOULD’VE
TOLD ME ABOUT THE TURN
MAYBE BEFORE
WE PASSED IT,
I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD TO PULL
SUCH A NASCAR EVASIVE MANEUVER.
I WAS BUSY
LOOKING AT THE MAP.

SOMEBODY
HAD TO NAVIGATE.
LISTEN TO US.
WE SOUND LIKE
AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE.
NEVER AGAIN.
JUST FOR THE RECORD,
WHY DID I ALMOST GET US
KILLED BACK THERE?
BECAUSE
THAT’S OUR HOTEL.
[ Both Giggle ]
IT LOOKS
LIKE A CASTLE.
[ Whispers ]
IT IS A CASTLE.
AND THAT’S PRECISELY
WHY IT LOOKS LIKE ONE.
[ Giggles ]
MMM. LET’S GO.
OKAY. HEE HEE.
[ Speaking French ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Both ]
OH.
THIS IS THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL THING
I’VE EVER SEEN.
LET’S GO.
LOOK, BABY, LOOK.
IT COMES
WITH FREE NUNS.
BONJOUR.
BONJOUR.
BONJOUR.
BONJOUR.
MERCI.
MERCI.
BONJOUR.
BONJOUR.
BONJOUR.
BONJOUR.
[ Both ]
MERCI.

AH, BONJOUR. MERCI.
BONJOUR. MERCI.
BONJOUR. MERCI.
BONJOUR. MERCI.
[ Speaking French ]
OUI.
WELCOME
TO HOTEL DuREVE.
I AM HENRI MARGEAUX.
NOUS SOMMES
SARAH ET TOM LEEZAK.
LEEZAK, NON?
OUI.
THE HONEYMOONERS?
OUI.
[ Henri ]
NON.
OUI.
OUI. WHY?
IT’S SO FRESH AND YOUNG
TO HAVE MARRIAGE, NO?
NO. WE’RE MARRIED.
I ALMOST FORGET.
OOH, PRESENTS.
“CONGRATULATIONS!
“HAVE A WONDERFUL
HONEYMOON.
“LOVE…
PETER.”
THAT’S A PLATONIC LOVE.
FORGET ABOUT PETER.
HERE, PLEASE ENJOY.
ROOM, HAUT, UPSTAIRS.
[ Speaking French,
Claps ]

OH!
[ Laughs ]
BONJOUR!
MERCI!
AW!
TELL ME THIS ISN’T
YOUR FANTASY.
[ Laughs ]
AH!
IT’S BETTER THAN MY FANTASY.
GOOD. ‘CAUSE WE’RE PAYING
OUT THE ASS FOR IT.
HONEY,
JUST FOR THE RECORD,
WHEN YOU TALK
ABOUT MONEY,
ESPECIALLY IN REFERENCE
TO IT COMING OUT OF YOUR HEINIE,
IT SORT OF KILLS
THE ROMANCE OF THE MOMENT.
[ Tom ]
RIGHT. SORRY.

[ Clears Throat ]
NOW FIGHT YOUR DEEP URGE
TO BE CHEAP,
AND GIVE THE BELLBOY
A LARGE TIP.
HEY.
DO YOU GUYS, UH,
PROVIDE SATELLITE TV?
TV IN BAR.
SO THERE’S NO TV
IN THIS ROOM?
TV IN BAR.
ASK HIM
IF THEY HAVE ESPN.
[ Speaking French ]
[ Laughs ]
HE SAID,
“THE TV’s IN THE BAR.”
MMM.
[ Door Closes ]
HE ALSO SAID THAT
IF HE WERE HERE WITH ME,
HE WOULDN’T BE
CONCERNED WITH TV.
HE MAKES A POINT.
[ Gasps ]
OH, I GOTTA CALL MOM AND DAD.
TALK ABOUT
KILLIN’ THE ROMANCE.
I TOLD ‘EM I’D CALL.
IT’LL JUST TAKE A MINUTE.
HI, MOM. IT’S PEEWEE.
[ Giggles ]
OH, SAY HI
TO PUSSY FOR ME.
TOM SAYS HELLO.
YEAH. OH, IT’S SO GREAT.
UH-HUH.
“TO TOM AND SARAH.
ENHANCE THY HONEYMOON.
LOVE, KYLE.”
I’LL CALL YOU LATER,
MOM. BYE.
CHEESE AND RICE.
IS THAT A THUNDERSTICK A-200?
AND SINCE WHEN DID YOU
BECOME THE EXPERT?
I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT NIGHT
I HAD IN COLLEGE.
YOU DIDN’T TELL ME
ABOUT THE HARDWARE.
GETTING A VISUAL?
WE GOTTA CHARGE
THIS THING.
HA HA.
MMM. THAT PLUG WON’T FIT
IN A EUROPEAN OUTLET.
I’LL MAKE IT FIT.
COME ON.
HONEY, DON’T FORCE IT.
[ Thuds ]
HONEY.
[ Loud Thud ]
[ Praying ]
[ Speaking French ]
AH!
UNH! OOH!
ARE YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU OKAY?
HOLY DEAR JESUS.
GOOD THING
THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN
WHEN WE WERE
USING IT.
[ Alarm Ringing ]
[ Gasps ]
OH, GOD.
[ Man On P.A.
Speaking French ]

COME ON!
COME ON, THUNDERSTICK!
OH, NO! OKAY,
JUST LET IT GO.
[ Alarm Continues ]
[ All Speaking French ]
[ Men Laughing ]
[ Speaking French ]
MY GRANDPARENTS
INSTALLED THE WIRING
IN THE HOTEL
BEFORE
WORLD WAR FIRST.
IT WORKED FINE
UNTIL YOU YOUNG KIDS
HAD TO BRING OUT
YOUR TOYS
AND IGNORE THE SIGN.
THE–
THAT IS THE–
THAT’S IN FRENCH,
FOR CHRIST’S SAKES.
THAT’S BECAUSE
WE’RE IN FRANCE.
IS THERE ANYTHING
WE COULD DO?
PAY THE DAMAGES.
[ Chuckles ]
HOLD ON THERE, JACQUES.
JE M’APPELLE
HENRI MARGEAUX.

WHATEVER. LOOK,
THIS HOTEL GETS GUESTS
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.
IT’S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
TO PUT SOME AMERICAN
ON YOUR SIGNS.
HE MEANS ENGLISH.
SARAH!
[ Whispers ]
I’M TRYING TO NEGOTIATE.
SO I MUST MAKE
MY HOTEL OF DREAMS
LIKE EVERY OTHER
HOWARD JOHNSON
WITH A BRIGHT ORANGE
ROOF?
IT WOULDN’T HURT!
[ Speaking French ]
COCHON AMÉRICAIN!

COCHON WHAT?
STUPID AMERICAN PIG.
OH. OH. YEAH?
WELL, THAT–
I GUESS THAT MAKES YOU
A STUPID FRENCH…
FROG!
OH, YEAH,
I SAID IT. FROG!

YOU GET OUT
OF MY HOTEL DuREVE!
I WOULDN’T STAY
IN THIS DUMP
IF YOU PAID US!
LET’S GO TO
THE HOJOs, HONEY.
THERE ARE
NO HOJOs HERE, TOM.
SARAH, PLEASE.
THERE IS A FARM
UP THE ROAD…

AND THEY HAVE
A NICE PIGSTY FOR YOU!
YEAH? WELL, MAYBE
THEY’LL HAVE
A NICE LITTLE
BULLDOZER,
AND WE CAN FINISH
THIS PLACE OFF,
TOUGH GUY!
AND YOUR
CREDIT CARD BILL

WILL BE A FAT ONE,
YEAH?
MR. TOUGH GUY!
YEAH, WELL,
WE’RE KEEPIN’
THE CHAMPAGNE
AND THE CHEESE,
JACQUES-STRAP!
LET’S GO, HONEY.
WHAT’S WRONG?
WHERE ARE WE GONNA
STAY, TOM?
DON’T WORRY. THIS IS
LIKE A VACATION ZONE.
WE’LL FIND A PLACE.
NOW GET YOUR SHIT,
LET’S GO.
[ Thunder ]
WHAT’S THE NEXT PLACE?
THE NEXT HOTEL WITH
NO VACANCY WOULD BE…
SCHLOSS HOOTENVINDERGALT.
HOW FAR IS IT?
120 KILOMETERS.
IN MILES, PLEASE.
74.4–
YOU MULTIPLY BY POINT SIX.
HO HO,
I’M LEARNING SO MUCH.

OH, ME TOO.
ME TOO.

[ Thunder ]
LET ME GUESS.
THIS IS GREAT. THIS IS
JUST WHAT WE NEEDED.
DO YOU WANT ME TO DRIVE?
HONEY, I CAN DRIVE
IN THE SNOW.
[ Horn Honking ]
TURN OFF YOUR BRIGHTS,
JACKASS!
[ Both ]
AAAH!
[ Engine Dies ]
GREAT. NOW WE GET
TO FREEZE TO DEATH.
LOOK, WE’LL JUST–
WE’LL SLEEP IN HERE
AND WE’LL DIG OUT
IN THE MORNING.
I’M SO GLAD I GET
TO HEAR THE PHRASE
“WE’LL DIG OUT”
ON MY HONEYMOON. YEAH.
WHY DON’T YOU JUST
GET IT OVER WITH NOW
AND BLAME ME?
WELL, IF YOU HADN’T
INSULTED HENRI AT THE HOTEL,
THEN WE WOULDN’T BE SPENDING
THE EVENING IN A SNOWBALL.
I’M SORRY. NEXT TIME,
I’LL TRY TO BE A LITTLE
BIT MORE REFINED
LIKE YOUR FRIEND PETER.
GOOD NIGHT, TOM.
GOOD NIGHT, SARAH.
HMM.
GREAT. THERE’S NO FUCKING
TILT WHEEL IN EUROPE.
[ Laughing ]
ARE YOU GONNA
HATE ME FOREVER?
HMM.
I DON’T KNOW.
HMM. MMM.
MMM.
WANNA GET DRUNK
AND MAKE OUT?
WELL, THAT’S NOT
GONNA GET ME DRUNK.
BUT WE COULD MAKE OUT.
MM-HMM.
[ Sarah ]
WE COULD GET
INJURED DOING THIS.

[ Tom ]
I’LL SETTLE
FOR A CUDDLE.

JUST LET ME
GET THE SHIFTER

OUT OF MY ASS.
OKAY.
[ Laughs ]

[ Tom Whispers ]
SARAH.

IT’S MORNING.
MMM.
OH, MY…
OH, MY GOD.
OH, IT’S– WOW!
LET’S JUST STAY HERE
FOR THE REST OF THE TRIP.
FINE WITH ME.
HEY!
EXCUSE ME!
A LITTLE HELP HERE!
[ Sarah ] HI!
[ Tom ] HEY!
BLUE CAR! BLUE CAR!
WHOO!
HEY, IT WORKED.
♪♪ [ Yodeling ]
♪♪ [ Yodeling Gets Louder ]
♪ WE GO ALONG ♪
♪ SINGING A SONG ♪
[ Sarah ]
OKAY, WE CAN CATCH
THE 2:00 TRAIN TO VENICE

AND GO STRAIGHT
TO THE GIANNA.

NO, OUR RESERVATION
ISN’T TILL TUESDAY.
SO WE’LL STAY THERE
A FEW EXTRA DAYS.
I JUST PUT AN ENTIRE CASTLE
ON MY CREDIT CARD.
WE CAN’T AFFORD
TO STAY AT THE GIANNA
FOR A FEW EXTRA DAYS.
SO? I’LL CALL MY DAD UP,
AND HE’LL LEND US
THE MONEY, OKAY?
NO. NO. THERE IS
NO POSSIBLE WAY
I’M TAKING MONEY
FROM YOUR DAD.
PRIDE IS A CRUTCH
OF THE INSECURE.
YOU ARE NOT TAKING THE MONEY.
I AM TAKING THE MONEY.
NO, WE DON’T NEED
TO TAKE THE MONEY.
THIS IS ABOUT US NOW.
LISTEN, MY DAD TOLD ME
ABOUT THIS NICE LITTLE
PENSIONE
IN VENICE.
PENSIONE?
[ Speaking German ]
EXCUSE ME.
COULD YOU JUST DRIVE?
PLEASE JUST LET ME
CALL MY DAD. PLEASE?

NO! THIS IS OUR HONEYMOON.
NOT HIS.
SO IT’S FINE
TO JUST STAY
AT SOME PENSIONE THAT
YOUR FATHER RECOMMENDED.
LOOK, WE’RE STAYING AT
THE PENSIONE FUNICELLO,
AND WE’RE GONNA HAVE
A HELL OF A GOOD TIME.
I CAN’T TAKE THIS
ANYMORE.
HONEYMOONS
ARE SUPPOSED TO BE
ALL CHAMPAGNE,
AND ROOM SERVICE,
AND LOVEMAKING–
WE HAVEN’T MADE LOVE–
AND NO, NO, NO.
WHAT DO WE GET?

WE GET EVICTED
FROM A FIVE-STAR HOTEL
AND TO BOOT,
I’M YELLING AT YOU!
WE’RE YELLING
AT EACH OTHER!
WE’RE NOT REALLY
YELLING AT EACH OTHER.
I’M THE ONE THAT’S YELLING,
AND I’M SORRY,
AND I WANNA
GO HOME RIGHT NOW.
MAYBE WE SHOULD GO HOME.
I KNOW THIS HONEYMOON
HASN’T BEEN PERFECT.
BUT I’M SURE
THAT THE PENSIONE’S
GONNA BE FINE.
LOOK, WE’LL CHECK IN,
SLEEP LATE, EAT PASTA,
GAZE OUT AT
THE PIAZZA DEL…
SOMETHING, SOMETHING.
IT’S GONNA BE HEAVEN.
PENSIONE FUNICELLO?
SI, SI.
ARE YOU SURE
THIS IS “CORRECTO”?
[ Gondolier ]
SI, SI.
HOW BAD COULD IT BE?
[ Baby Crying,
Man Yelling In Italian ]

AW, CRAP.
[ Dog Barking,
Woman Yelling In Italian ]

[ Man Yelling In Italian,
Cat Screeching ]

HEY.
WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER, RIGHT?
DO YOU HAVE FOUR MEN
STARING AT YOUR BOOBIES
RIGHT NOW?
[ Speaking Italian ]
NO.
[ Passes Gas ]
[ Both Giggling ]
[ Passes Gas ]
[ Passes Gas ]
[ Bell Chiming In Distance ]
[ Tom ]
YEAH, JUST…

YOU KNOW, WE’LL
TRY IT FOR ONE NIGHT,

AND IF WE DON’T–
LIVE.
LIKE IT…
WE’LL… YOU KNOW,
GO SOMEWHERE
NICER TOMORROW.
GRAZIE.
GRAZIE.
[ Laughs ]
THIS IS ACTUALLY
HAPPENING, OKAY?
[ Both Laugh ]
WE’RE NEVER GONNA
FORGET THIS HONEYMOON.
[ Both Giggle ]
AAAH!
SORRY.
BUONA SERA.
[ Couple Moaning,
Bedsprings Squeaking ]

[ Couple Moaning,
Shouting In Italian ]

[ Laughs ]
WANT TO SHOW THOSE
PAISANS
HOW IT’S DONE?
COCKROACH! COCKROACH!
COCKROACH!
[ Yelling Hysterically ]
OH, HONEY! HONEY!
OKAY! OKAY! OKAY!
[ Crying Hysterically ]
LET’S GET OUT
OF HERE, PLEASE?
WE’RE CHECKING OUT!
WE’RE CHECKING OUT!
GET IT OFF!
GET IT OFF ME!
AAAH! AAAH!
[ Sarah ]
THANKS FOR
THE HELP, DADDY.

I MISS YOU.
OKAY, BYE.
HONEY, HE WANTS
TO TALK TO YOU.
CAN’T YOU JUST TELL HIM
THANK YOU FROM ALL OF US
HERE AT THE GORGEOUS GIANNA?
HUH?
SHH.
HELLO THERE,
MR. McNERNEY.
PLEASE BEAR IN MIND THAT
OUR DAUGHTER LOVES HIM, DAN.
LISTEN, LEEZAK–
UM, I DON’T EXPECT
A CRACKER LIKE YOU
TO EVER MEASURE UP
TO ANYTHING APPROACHING
WHAT I WOULD CONSIDER
A GOOD MATCH
FOR MY DAUGHTER,
BUT I’LL TELL YOU
WHAT I DO EXPECT.
I EXPECT YOU TO PAY ME
BACK IN FULL,
JUST AS SOON AS THAT
SILLY ASS RADIO
SHOW OF YOURS
YIELDS ANY KIND
OF REASONABLE INCOME.
GOOD-BYE, CRACKER.
ASSBAG!
WHAT WAS THAT?
HE CALLED ME A CRACKER.
A CRACKER, HONEY.
HE DID NOT. HUH.
WHAT?
THAT SURPRISES YOU?
YOUR DAD HATES ME.
[ Imitating Mr. McNerney ]
WELL, WONDERFUL. WONDERFUL.
HE’S GOT YOUR
WHOLE FAMILY
PRAYING THAT
THIS MARRIAGE FAILS.
THAT’S NOT FAIR.
MOM’S NEVER SAID
A BAD WORD ABOUT YOU.
WOW! PUSSY’S NEVER
INSULTED ME!
NOW I FEEL LOVED!
LIKE YOUR FATHER’S
NEVER JUDGED ME?
NO, HE HASN’T.
NOT ONCE.
MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST HAVE SEX.
CALL ME CRAZY,
BUT I’M JUST NOT
IN THE MOOD TO MAKE LOVE.
I’M NOT EITHER, BUT…
WE HAVEN’T HAD SEX ONCE
SINCE WE’VE BEEN MARRIED.
AND THERE IS SOMETHING
VERY, VERY WRONG WITH THAT.
[ Laughs ]
AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU–
WHY ARE YOU LAUGH–
IT’S NOT FUNNY.
[ Laughs ]
I’M SORRY.
I’M CONCERNED.
LET’S GO TO SLEEP,
WE’LL GET GOOD REST.
WE’LL SIGHTSEE TOMORROW.
BE FRESH IN THE MORNING.
FINE.
AND THEN
WE’LL HAVE SEX.
♪ WHEN I’M WITH YOU ♪
♪ I SEE THE WORLD
IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT ♪

♪ YOU SHINE SO BRIGHT ♪
♪ WHEN I’M CLOSE TO YOU ♪
♪ I FEEL THE WAY
THAT YOU REALLY ARE ♪

♪ IT MOVES MY HEART ♪
♪ YOU AMAZE ME ♪
♪ YOU LIFT ME UP
TO A HIGHER PLACE ♪

♪ PUT A SMILE
ON MY FACE ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME WANNA BE ♪
♪ SO BEAUTIFUL ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME WANNA BE ♪
♪ JUST LIKE YOU ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME WANNA BE ♪
IMAGINE ERNEST HEMINGWAY
SITTING RIGHT OVER THERE
AT THE CAFÉ FLORIAN,
JUST SIPPING
A SINGLE MALT,
DREAMING UP HIS
NEXT MASTERPIECE.
GOD!
THOSE BIRDS
ARE PSYCHOTIC.
HISTORY DOESN’T INTEREST
YOU AT ALL. DOES IT, BABY?
HUH?
YEAH, IT DOES.
I WASN’T AN ART HISTORY
MAJOR THOUGH, SO–
YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE
AN ART HISTORY MAJOR
TO APPRECIATE ART.
WHOA. WHOA.
WHAT?
DO YOU HEAR THAT?
THE BELLS? NO?
UHHHH.
WHAT IS IT, HONEY?
UHHHH.
WHAT?
WHAT?
AH, HA HA AH.
WHAT?
TSK, TSK, TSK.
[ Whispering ]
WHAT? WHAT ARE
WE LISTENING FOR?
WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
I CAN HELP!
IT’S A MESSAGE
FROM GOD.
IT’S A MESSAGE.
GOD?
[ Crack, Crowd Roar ]
[ Man ]
AND THERE’S A GROUND BALL

UP THE MIDDLE
FOR A BASE HIT.

JACKPOT!
[ Laughs ]
HONEY, WE STILL HAVE
TO SEE THE TINTORETTOS.
OH…
OH, THE…
THE CHURCH ART
IS… UNBELIEVABLE,
BUT IT ALL KIND OF
LOOKS THE SAME TO ME.
NOW YOU KNOW I LOVE SPORTS.
I MEAN,
I’M A SPORTS FREAK.
BUT HOW OFTEN
ARE WE IN EUROPE?
HOW OFTEN ARE THE DODGERS
ON TV IN EUROPE?
YOU’RE RIGHT.
YOU GO WATCH SPORTS.
I’LL GO SEE
THE TINTORETTOS.
HONEY?
YEAH?
IS–
IS THIS A LOVING ACT
OF GENEROSITY,
OR AM I GOING TO PAY
FOR THIS LATER?
DOES IT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
I’M GOING TO MAKE THIS
UP TO YOU, HUGE.
HUGE.
TONIGHT, EVERYTHING
IS YOUR CHOICE.
DINNER IN A CHURCH
IF YOU WANT.
[ Laughs ]
[ Sarah ]
I’LL MEET YOU
AT THE HOTEL.
I LOVE YOU.
I LOVE YOU.
OH!
GRAZIE.
GRAZIE. GRAZIE.
GRAZIE, GODDAMN IT!
BUON GIORNO, FREDO.
OH, BUON GIORNO,
MR. PETER PRENTISS.
COME STA?
BENE. BENE.
PETER?
PEEWEE,
WHAT A SURPRISE!
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
IN VENICE?
YES.
IN VENICE, YES.
NEXTRON’S BUYING OUT
FERUGIA CHOCOLATE,
THAT DEAL THAT ME AND YOUR
DAD WERE WORKING ON,
SO THEY SENT THE KID IN
TO CLOSE THE DEAL.
DID YOU GET THAT BOTTLE
OF COGNAC I SENT?
UH, YES, I, UH…
THOUGHT IT A TAD
INAPPROPRIATE.
I’M SOR– I DIDN’T, UH…
I’M JUST TRYING TO BE
THE GALLANT LOSER HERE.
PETER–
WHY DON’T WE CELEBRATE
THIS GREAT COINCIDENCE?
WE’RE IN VENICE.
I’LL TAKE
YOU GUYS TO DINNER.
I’M ON MY HONEYMOON.
MY– MY HONEYMOON.
[ Laughs ]
SEE? YEAH.
I CAN BE SO THICK
SOMETIMES.
GRAZIE.
I’M SORRY.

I GOT A LOT OF WORK
TO DO ANYWAYS,
SO I’M GOING
TO DISAPPEAR.
YOU GUYS HAVE FUN.
OH, PETER, WAIT.
UH, I DON’T
MEAN TO BE RUDE.
[ Laughs ]
YOU COULDN’T BE RUDE
IF YOU TRIED.
HOW’S THE HONEYMOON?
IT’S GOOD? IT’S A DREAM?
IT’S GREAT.
OH, YEAH. GREAT.
WHERE’S TOM?
OH, HE’S, UH…
AT THE, UH…
THE CHURCH WITH–
UH, WITH, UH…
WITH– HE’S–
HE’S A HUGE HISTORY BUFF.
YEAH.
WOW.
WELL, SEE? IT’S GOOD THAT
YOU GUYS SHARE THAT PASSION.
OH, YEAH… YEAH.
WELL– HA HA.
BYE.
[ Laughs Nervously ]
FREDO,
I NEED TO KNOW WHERE
THAT LITTLE SIGNORA IS
AT ALL TIMES.
[ Fredo ]
VERY BOLD, MR. PRENTISS.

GRAZIE.
[ Tom ]
DODGERS WON!

DODGERS WON!
THE DODGERS WON, HONEY.
SEE…
I KNEW YOU WERE GOING
TO MAKE ME PAY
FOR WATCHING THE GAME.
NO.
NO, IT’S NOT THAT.
WE NEED TO TALK.
ABOUT WHAT?
HAVE YOU ALWAYS
TOLD ME THE TRUTH?
YEAH.
EXCEPT THE TIME
I TOLD YOU
I LIKED YOUR
BROTHER WILLIE.
THIS IS SERIOUS.
I AM SERIOUS.
I REALLY DON’T LIKE HIM.
MARRIAGE IS BUILT
ON HONESTY AND TRUST.
I TOTALLY AGREE.
OKAY.
THEN DID YOU EVER
DO SOMETHING
THAT YOU WANTED
TO TELL ME ABOUT,
BUT YOU COULDN’T BECAUSE
YOU FELT BAD ABOUT IT?
AND THE MORE TIME WENT ON,
THE HARDER IT GOT
FOR YOU TO TELL ME?
AND THEN IT TURNED INTO
THIS BIG, FAT LIE,
SO YOU KEPT NOT
TELLING ME ABOUT IT–
DID YOU
TALK TO KYLE?
NO. WHY?
NO REASON.
DOES KYLE KNOW SOMETHING
THAT I SHOULD KNOW?
NO.
YOU COVERED YOUR NOSE.
I HAD AN ITCH.
YOU WERE HIDING
FLARED NOSTRILS.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO TELL?
OKAY.
IT’S JUST…
WHEN BAGS DIED…
HE DIDN’T
EXACTLY DIE
THE WAY THAT
I DESCRIBED IT.
HIM CHASING THOSE SQUAWKING
PIGEONS OFF THE BALCONY?
YEAH, THAT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL…
OKAY. I’M READING
MY MAGAZINE,
AND I’M REALLY–
I’M FOCUSING,
AND I’M REALLY INTO IT,
AND ALONG COMES
BAGS, YOU KNOW?
HE COMES TRUCKING OVER,
AND HE STARTS
TUGGING ON MY ANKLE.

AND I WAS LIKE, “BAGS!”
I’M… I’M…
I WAS LIKE–

I THINK I EVEN SAID,
“I’M TRYING TO FOCUS.”
LIKE, DON’T–
AND HE LOOKED UP AT ME,
AND HE WAS GIVING ME
THE LOOK LIKE,
“HEY, ARE YOU GONNA
PLAY WITH ME OR NOT?”

AND I WAS LIKE,
“I REALLY JUST WANT
TO READ THOUGH, BAGS.”

AND… I’M… AND…
HE STARTED PULLING
ON MY ANKLE AGAIN.
SO, I GRABBED THE BALL,
AND I WAS LIKE,
“GO GET IT, BUDDY.”

AND I THREW THE BALL
OVER MY SHOULDER

AND IT WENT OUT
THE WINDOW,

AND BAGS DOVE,
AND HE DIED.

YOU KILLED BAGS?
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
AND YOU LIED ABOUT IT
ALL THIS TIME?
ACTUALLY, IT WAS
MORE OF AN OMISSION.
NO, IT WAS
MORE LIKE A LIE!
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT
WHAT TO DO WITH THIS.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I CAN DEAL WITH YOU
BEING CHEAP,
AND I CAN DEAL WITH YOU
BEING A SHITTY DRIVER.
I CANNOT NOT DEAL
WITH YOU BEING A LIAR!
WHOA. WAIT A SECOND.
THIS WHOLE THING STARTED
WITH YOU WANTING
TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING.
WELL, I DON’T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.
SO YOU’RE FEELING GUILTY
ABOUT SOMETHING TOO.
YES, THERE IS SOMETHING
I “OMITTED”
THAT I DON’T WANT TO
TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW.
YOU WANT A MARRIAGE BASED
ON TRUST AND HONESTY?
WELL, HERE’S YOUR CHANCE.
COME ON!
YEAH, YEAH, YOU GOT IT!
I CAN SEE IT!

BRING IT!
I SLEPT WITH
PETER PRENTISS.
WHAT?
I SLEPT WITH PETER–
I HEARD YOU!
I’M SORRY.
I NEED TO HEAR EVERYTHING.
NO, YOU DON’T.
YES, I DO.
THAT’S WHAT I DO.
THAT’S WHAT I DO.
I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING.
WHERE YOU WERE,
WHAT HE DID,
HOW SMALL
HIS WIENER WAS.
EVERYTHING!
I WAS HELPING ON AN
APPRAISAL IN SEATTLE.
I DON’T WANT
TO HEAR IT!
YOU SLEPT WITH THAT–
IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
WHEN?
BEFORE WE–
GOT MARRIED?
YES!
GOT ENGAGED?
OF COURSE!
GOT TOGETHER?
YES. NO. NO.
IT WAS RIGHT
AFTER WE MET.
MY PARENTS WERE
PRESSURING ME TO…
AHA…
IMAGINE MY SURPRISE.
I WAS CONFUSED.
I’M IN SEATTLE.
HE ASKED ME OUT
TO DINNER.
THE CHAMPAGNE
IS FLOWING–
PLEASE TRY NOT
TO BREAK INTO SONG.
MY FEELINGS FOR YOU
WERE VERY, VERY STRONG,
AND I NEEDED TO KNOW
THAT THEY WERE REAL.

I WASN’T BROUGHT UP
TO MANAGE FEELINGS
LIKE THAT VERY WELL.
YEAH…
YOU HAD A REAL
TOUGH UPBRINGING.
I NEED SOME AIR.
YEAH? ME TOO!
HAPPY NOW?
YOU BROKE IT!
OH, BY THE WAY,
PETER’S STAYING
AT THE HOTEL.
HA HA! THAT’S FUNNY!
HOOKER!
MURDERER!
WHAT’S THE SCORE?
[ Girl ] 3-2,
TOP OF THE NINTH.

ARE YOU AMERICAN?
GOOD GUESS.
[ Sighs ]
WHERE’S TOM?
WE DON’T FEEL THE NEED
TO BE WITH EACH OTHER
ALL THE TIME.
OKAY.
I JUST FIND IT ODD THAT…
YOU’RE SPENDING SO MUCH
TIME APART ON YOUR HONEYMOON.
ARE YOU OKAY?
[ Whispering ]
PETER, JUST GO. PLEASE?
GO.
[ Sniffles ]
SARAH. SARAH.
WHY ARE YOU
STILL HERE, PETER?
I’M NOT GOING
TO LEAVE YOU HERE LIKE THIS.
LISTEN. I HAVE A CAR,
ALL RIGHT?
I’M HAVING A QUICK DRINK
AT A FRIEND’S HOUSE. JUST…
TAKE A RIDE WITH ME.
YOU KNOW,
CATCH YOUR BREATH.

I’LL TAKE YOU
BACK TO TOM.
CHAMPAGNE?
SURE.
[ TV Announcer ]
AND THAT’S THE BALL GAME!

[ Crowd Cheers,
Jukebox Plays ]
OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
I LOVE THIS SONG!
NO, WAIT.
I REALLY
SHOULD GO.
I CAN’T.
NO, LISTEN–
BERNARDO SALVIATI
CAN ACTUALLY
TRACE HIS FAMILY
BACK TO MACHIAVELLI.
HUH.
[ Sarah ] OH, WOW.
THAT’S A BIG HOUSE.

NEXTRON’S THINKING
OF BUYING IT.
TURN IT INTO
A RESORT COMPLEX.
BUON GIORNO, BERNARDO!
PETER, HELLO.
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
BERNADO,
SARAH McNERNEY.
CIAO, BERNIE.
TELL ME, PRETTY ONE.
WHAT BRINGS
YOU TO VENICE?
I’M ON MY HONEYMOON.
YOUR HONEYMOON?
YEAH.
BUT SHE’S SO YOUNG
TO BE MARRIED.
WHY DOES EVERYONE
KEEP ON SAYING THAT?
WHERE’S YOUR HUSBAND?
OH, I’M GOING
TO MEET UP WITH HIM…
YOU KNOW… LATER.
YEAH.
I WAS MARRIED FOR 27 YEARS
BEFORE MY WIFE PASS AWAY.
BELIEVE ME,
THE FIRST MONTHS
ARE THE MOST DIFFICULT.
[ Laughs ]
BERNARDO HERE’S A…
A LITTLE BIT
OF A ROMANTIC.
HMM.
[ Whispering ]
I LOVE THAT.
LET’S HAVE A DRINK.
[ Laughs ]
PLEASE.
YOU’RE ON THE RADIO?
THAT’S AWESOME!
SO…
WHEN ARE WE GONNA GO BACK
TO– NEENO, NEENO, NEENO?
OH– HA HA. YEAH.
I– UH, I CAN’T DO THAT.
WHAT?
DON’T TELL ME ALL
THE CUTE CONVERSATION
AND AIR HUMPING
IS LEADING NOWHERE!
NO! OH–
OHHHH!
OKAY, YOU MEAN…
WHEN ARE WE GONNA–
AHHHHH.
OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
SO I’M GONNA
GO AND HIT THE…
AND THEN WE’LL…
DO THAT THING.
COOL.
OKAY.
I’LL BE WAITING.
WHOA!
[ Groaning ]
AND THE HITS
JUST KEEP ON COMING!
CIAO.
CAN I GET THE, UH,
KEY TO 309, PLEASE?
OH, AND DO YOU KNOW
IF MY WIFE’S UP IN THE ROOM?
A GOOD HUSBAND KNOWS
WHERE HIS WIFE
IS AT ALL TIME.
[ Chuckles ]
AND A GOOD MAÎTRE D’
ANSWERS QUESTIONS
WHEN HE’S ASKED.
[ Chuckles ]
LOOK, I’M NOT GONNA
PAY YOU FOR AN ANSWER.
IN THIS CASE,
YOU SHOULD.
YOUR WIFE IS IN A CAR
ON HER WAY
TO SALVIATI’S…
WITH MR. PRENTISS.
MR. PETER PRENTISS?
HMM? OH. OF COURSE.
WHAT’S SALVIATI’S?
ONE OF THE OLDEST
AND MOST BEAUTIFUL
ESTATES IN VENICE.
MAYBE MR. PETER
WILL BUY IT.
OF COURSE
MR. PETER WILL BUY IT.
ALL RIGHT.
WHERE IS THIS PLACE?
HMM?
YOU CAN’T GO.
YOU WILL BE
SHOT ON SIGHT.
OKAY, THAT’S–
UH–
WHEN ARE THEY
COMING BACK?
YOUR WIFE AND MR. PETER
ARE OUT FOR THE EVENING.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
NAW, FORGET IT.
I’M NOT GOING TO BE WAITING
HERE FOR HER WHEN SHE GETS BACK.
OH, NO!
[ Sarah Laughing ]
I CAN’T MAKE OUT
A WORD.

[ Bernardo Speaking Italian ]
[ Sarah Tries
To Repeat Phrase ]

[ Both Laugh ]
I WANT TO SAY THAT,
BUT I–
[ Tries To Repeat Phrase ]
[ Laughs ]
SALUTE.
SALUTE.
SARAH. SARAH. SARAH.
MAYBE WE SHOULD
SWITCH TO WATER, HUH?
I THINK WE SHOULD
GO FIND TOM NOW.
THAT WAS THE LONGEST FREAKIN’
PISS IN ITALIAN HISTORY.
HEY. WENDY, UH…
I COULDN’T FIND YOU
IN THE CROWD.
THAT’S COOL.
ARE YOU READY TO GO?
UH… YEAH.
LISTEN, UM…
WHY DON’T I JUST, UH,
WALK YOU BACK
TO YOUR HOTEL
AND DROP YOU OFF?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN.
OKAY. UM…
WHAT HOTEL ARE
YOU STAYING AT?
WHAT HOTEL ARE
YOU
STAYING AT?
UH, THE GIANNA.
OH, MY GOD!
ME TOO!
HEY.
WOW.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS LIKE
A TWILIGHT ZONE.
I COULDN’T AGREE
WITH YOU MORE.
[ Sings Twilight Zone
Theme ]
[ Whistling ]
[ Elevator Dings ]
WE’RE HERE.
DAMN. I DON’T
HAVE MY KEY.
CAN I USE
YOUR PHONE?
MY– MY PHONE?
YEAH, TO CALL
DOWNSTAIRS…
FOR MY KEY.
YEAH.
OH, OH, OH.
SLOW DOWN THERE.
I THINK YOU GOT
THE WRONG ROOM.
AAAH!
OH, MY–
WHOOO. OH, GOD.
INSULT ME, RADIO MAN!
I’M– I’M ON MY HONEYMOON.
EW.
YEAH. EW.
I’M TELLING YOU–
YOU PIG!
GRAZIE.
THANK YOU.
[ Speaking Italian ]
HEY.
WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT?
I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.
I’M ON MY HONEYMOON!
GOSH!
CALM DOWN.
YOU WERE JUST DOING
THE SAME THING WITH WENDY.
YOU HAVE NO RIGHT
TO BE ANGRY.
YOU SLUT!
EXCUSE ME?
YOU HAD YOUR TONGUE
DOWN HIS THROAT.
I SAW IT OUT THE WINDOW!
[ Glass Shatters ]
DID YOU SEE ME
SLAP HIM, THEN?
OH, DON’T GIVE ME THAT.
SOME PART OF YOU WANTS HIM.
JUST SAY IT!
FINE.
I’M NOT GONNA LIE ANYMORE.
CERTAIN THINGS WOULD BE
EASIER GIVEN HIS BACKGROUND,
AND A SMALL PART
OF ME THOUGHT

THAT I WANTED THAT ONCE–
A VERY SMALL PART.
WHY WOULD YOU INVITE HIM
ON OUR HONEYMOON?
I DIDN’T INVITE HIM.
I DON’T KNOW HOW
HE FOUND US.
OH, YEAH? OH, WELL,
MAYBE IT WAS MAGIC.

NO, PETER MUST BE
A WARLOCK.
THAT’S YOURS.
YEAH, SURE.
IT MATCHES PERFECT
WITH MY RED LEATHER PANTIES!
OKAY.
I MET A WOMAN
AT A BAR.

NOTHING HAPPENED.
YOU PICKED UP
A TOTAL STRANGER AT A BAR,
BROUGHT HER BACK
TO OUR HONEYMOON SUITE,
AND TOOK OFF
HER DISGUSTING RED BRA.
NOTHING HAPPENED.
I SWEAR.
NO, NO, NO. THE BRA JUST JUMPED
OFF HER BARE NAKED BREASTS.
SARAH–
YOU SIT THERE AND MAKE ME
FEEL GUILTY FOR A KISS–
A KISS THAT I DIDN’T EVEN
WANT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
DON’T TELL ME
YOU DIDN’T WANT IT.
YOU WANTED IT!
I COULD SEE FROM THE BALCONY
THAT YOU WANTED IT!
I’M SORRY! OH, MY GOD!
SON OF A BEEYATCH!
OH! MY SKULL IS ON FIRE!
OH! OKAY! OKAY!
[ Knock On Door ]
WHO IS IT?
[ Man ]
ROOM SERVICE.

JUST–
[ Knocking ]
[ Moans ]
NO, GO AWAY!
LISTEN, I’M LEAVING.
LAST CHANCE.
COME WITH ME
TO SEATTLE.
HELLO, PETER.
SO GLAD YOU COULD JOIN US.
WELCOME TO THE HONEYMOON
FROM HELL, SHITHEEL!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
TOM?
I THINK IT’S TIME FOR
PETER AND I TO TANGLE!
SEE! YOU HAVE NO FUTURE
WITH THIS LUNATIC!
SHUT UP, PETER!
TOM, YOU’RE ACTING
LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.
MAYBE IT’S ‘CAUSE I
JUST GOT HIT IN THE HEAD
WITH A 10-POUND ASHTRAY!
I GOTTA WARN YOU,
LEEZAK.
I STUDIED KARATE
WITH A CHINESE GRAND MASTER.
YEAH? WELL,
I HOPE HE SHOWED YOU

HOW TO PULL A FIRE POKER
OUTTA YOUR ASS!
TOM,
PUT THE POKER DOWN.
FREDO, CALL THE POLICE!
POLIZIA! POLIZIA!
MOVE! MOVE! MOVE!
[ Fredo Screaming ]
YOU SAT…
AT OUR WEDDING.
YOU HEARD US TAKE OUR VOWS!
AND YOU STILL HAVE THE NERVE
TO SHOW UP ON OUR HONEYMOON
AND TRY TO HAVE SEX–
WHOA!
WITH MY WIFE!
– RUN, YOU COWARD!
– GET HIM!
YOU STAY AWAY
FROM MY WIFE!
[ Policeman Speaking Italian ]
WAIT. WAIT. STOP.
THAT’S MY HUSBAND. PLEASE.
[ Sirens ]
MAYBE THEY WERE RIGHT.
WHO?
EVERYONE.
THEY SAID THAT WE
WERE TOO YOUNG,

AND THAT WE NEEDED TO GET
TO KNOW EACH OTHER BETTER.
MAYBE THEY WERE RIGHT.
MAYBE LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH.
[ Keys Jingle ]
[ Speaking Italian ]
WHAT’D HE SAY?
PETER JUST BAILED US OUT.
THAT’S–
THAT’S JUST JIM-DANDY.
FORGET IT.
I’M GOING HOME.
YEAH, ME TOO!
PASSPORTS, PLEASE.
ARE YOU LEAVING WITH
ANY FRUIT, VEGETABLES,
OR ANY CURRENCY
IN EXCESS OF $10,000?
NO. NO, BUT MY HUSBAND
DOES HAVE
TWO POUNDS OF HASH
HIDDEN IN HIS RECTUM.
THE FIRST SEX
I HAD ON MY HONEYMOON
WAS WITH A MAN
NAMED SANTINO,
AND YOU’RE LAUGHING?
EXCUSE ME, STEWARDESS,
CAN I–
UH, COULD I GET, UH,
ONE OF THOSE, UH…
DOUGHNUT PILLOWS FOR–
YEAH. RIGHT AWAY.
SWEET GIRL.
[ Sarah ]
EXCUSE ME. SORRY.
AAAH!
I FEEL LIKE WE’VE BEEN
MARRIED FOR 50 YEARS.
OH, YOU SHOULD BE
SO LUCKY.
YOU WANT TO TELL ME
HOW PETER ENDED UP
AT THE SAME HOTEL?
WANT TO TELL ME WHAT REALLY
HAPPENED WITH RED BRA?
WHAT? WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKIN’ AT?
I HOPE YOU USED A RUBBER.
NO, I DIDN’T.
IT DIDN’T GET THAT FAR.
I HOPE PETER USED ONE
THOUGH.
OH, THEY DON’T SELL
CONDOMS THAT BIG.
HA. HA. HA-HA.
YEAH, THAT’S FUNNY.
THAT’S FUN– HEAR THAT?
WE GOT A COMEDIAN
ON THE PLANE.
YEAH. YOU’RE A LAUGHER.
YOU– YOU WANT A LAUGH?
YOU WANT ME
TO MAKE YOU LAUGH?
YOU THINK
I’M REALLY FUNNY?
I’M GONNA MOVE OUT
WHEN I GET HOME.
GREAT!
THAT’S GREAT!
THE SECOND
WE GET HOME.
EXCELLENT. KNOW WHAT?
I’M DONE TALKING NOW.
ME TOO.
[ Tom Narrating ]
AND THAT WAS IT.

GAME OVER.
[ Honking ]
WHAT’S UP?
SHE CAME BACK
TO THE APARTMENT.
IS SHE THERE NOW?
NO, SHE LEFT.
DID SHE SAY ANYTHING?
SHE TOOK ALL HER STUFF.
IT CAN’T BE GOOD.
OH, AND SHE LEFT YOU THIS.
LET’S SEE.
BEER?
COME ON, MAN.
YOU’RE GETTIN’ DIVORCED.
BREAKFAST BEER IS A MUST.
I NEED
TO TALK TO MY DAD.
GIMME A LIFT?
SURE.
GONNA TELL ME
WHAT YOU’RE CHEWIN’ ON?
I JUST DON’T KNOW IF
LOVE IS ENOUGH ANYMORE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
“ENOUGH”?
I MEAN…
EVEN IF SARAH AND I
DO LOVE EACH OTHER,
MAYBE WE DID NEED MORE TIME
TO GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER.
SO–
[ Clears Throat ]
WHAT YOU’RE SAYING
HERE IS…
YOU HAD A COUPLE OF
BAD DAYS IN EUROPE,
AND… IT’S OVER.
TIME TO GROW UP,
TOMMY.
SOME DAYS YOUR MOTHER AND ME
LOVED EACH OTHER.

OTHER DAYS
WE HAD TO WORK AT IT.
YOU NEVER SEE THE HARD DAYS
IN A PHOTO ALBUM,
BUT THOSE ARE THE ONES
THAT GET YOU FROM ONE
HAPPY SNAPSHOT TO THE NEXT.
I’M SORRY
YOUR HONEYMOON STUNK,

BUT THAT’S
WHAT YOU GOT DEALT.

NOW YOU GOTTA
WORK THROUGH IT.

SARAH DOESN’T NEED
A GUY WITH A FAT WALLET
TO MAKE HER HAPPY.
I SAW HOW
YOU LOVE THIS GIRL.
HOW YOU TWO
LIT EACH OTHER UP.

SHE DOESN’T NEED
ANY MORE SECURITY THAN THAT.
THANKS, DAD.
[ Crack Of Baseball Bat On TV ]
IS IT OVER?
NOT EVEN CLOSE.
[ Tires Squeal ]
[ Beep ]
[ Yuan ] WHAT DO YOU
DO HERE, TOM LEEZAK?
YOU NO ALLOWED HERE
NO MORE.
OPEN THE GATES,
JACK-IN-THE-BOX.
ME NO JACK-IN-BOX.
YOU JACK-IN-BOX!
GO AWAY NOW!
DON’T MAKE ME BREAK
MY FOOT OFF IN YOUR ASS.
ALL RIGHT. LOOK, YUAN.
I JUST NEED TO TALK TO HER.
RELATIONSHIP OVER.
SHE NO LIKE YOU
ANYMORE.
OPEN THE GODDAMN GATE!
SHUT UP, KYLE!
LOOK, YUAN, DID SHE ACTUALLY
SAY THOSE WORDS TO YOU?
SHE SAID YOU HAVE
KEE-KEE WITH BIMBO.
SAME THING.
ALL RIGHT. WE ARE NOT LEAVING
THIS INTERCOM
UNTIL SARAH HERSELF CONFIRMS
THAT SHE IS
SHIT-CANNIN’ TOM!
OR NOT.
ALL RIGHT.
DAMN IT! YOU ARE–
THAT IS DAMN STRAIGHT!
THIS IS MY WIFE!
NOW, OPEN UP THE GATE!
CAN’T WE JUST
GIVE THE GUY
A CHANCE
TO EXPLAIN?
DON’T EVEN THINK
ABOUT IT, DICKIE.
LOOK, HERE’S THE DEAL.
EITHER YOU’RE GONNA
OPEN THE GATE,
OR I’M GONNA OPEN THE GATE.
EITHER WAY, I’M COMIN’ IN!
WE’LL SIC THE HOUNDS
ON YOU, LEEZAK.
BRING ‘EM ON, WILLIE!
[ Man On TV ]
SMOOTH TODAY. THE FOR–
[ Channel Changes ]
[ Man #2 ]
UNTIL ITS THICKNESS–
[ Channel Changes ]
WHAT’S GOING ON?
YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
I’M GONNA HAVE
TO RAM THE GATE.
OH, I AM SO DOWN
WITH THAT.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
CALL THE COPS.
WE CALL SWAT TEAM
ON YOUR ASS.
I’M RAMMING THE GATE.
I DON’T KNOW
IF YOU’RE HEARING,
BUT I AM GOING
TO RAM YOUR GATE.
WHAT IS THE COMMOTION
IN HERE?
TOM RAM GATE.
[ Tires Squeal ]
WHAT THE HELL
IS THIS?
IT’S GO TIME.
AAAH!
[ Squeals ]
OH!
THAT IS ONE STRONG GATE.
TOM?
LOOK, YUAN, WILLIE,
WHOEVER ELSE IS LISTENING.
YOU DON’T WANT ME
TO BE WITH SARAH,
AND I CAN’T CHANGE THAT.
I DON’T KNOW
WHERE WE’RE GONNA BE
IN 10, 20, 40 YEARS.
I DON’T KNOW
WHO WE’RE GONNA BE.
I DON’T KNOW
IF I’M EVER GONNA BE ABLE
TO GIVE HER ALL OF THIS.
THERE ARE A MILLION THINGS
THAT I DON’T KNOW.
BUT THERE’S ONE THING
THAT I DO.
AND THAT’S
THAT I LOVE SARAH.
AND I AM GOING TO LOVE HER
DAY IN AND DAY OUT
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
NOW, WILL YOU PLEASE…
PLEASE…
OPEN THE GATE SO I CAN
TELL THAT TO MY WIFE.
[ Kyle ]
I’M SORRY, MAN.

SOMETIMES WHEN IT’S OVER,
IT’S JUST…
OVER.
DROP THE LOVE BOMB, BABY!
YEAH!
NOW DO YOU GET IT?
I LOVE HIM, DADDY.
THEN GO GET HIM.
HI.
HI.
I’M SORRY.
ME TOO.
I MISS YOU.
I MISS YOU TOO.
I MISS WRECKING
AIRPLANE BATHROOMS WITH YOU.
I MISS SLEEPING WITH YOU
INSIDE A SNOWBALL.
AND TORCHING HOTELS
IN EUROPE.
I– I MISS DOING TIME
IN PRISON WITH YOU.
DO YOU WANNA TRY TO–
DEFINITELY.
♪ CAN’T YOU SEE? ♪
♪ THERE’S A FEELING
THAT’S COME OVER ME ♪

♪ CLOSE MY EYES ♪
♪ YOU’RE THE ONLY ONE
THAT LEAVES ME ♪

♪ COMPLETELY BREATHLESS ♪
♪ NO NEED TO WONDER WHY ♪
♪ SOMETIMES A GIFT LIKE THIS
YOU CAN’T DENY ♪

♪ OHH ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I ♪
♪ WANTED TO FLY ♪
♪ SO YOU GAVE ME
YOUR WINGS ♪

♪ AND TIME ♪
♪ HELD ITS BREATH ♪
♪ SO I COULD SEE, YEAH ♪
♪ AND YOU SET ME FREE ♪
♪ OOOH ♪
♪ THERE’S A WILL ♪
♪ THERE’S A WAY ♪
♪ SOMETIMES WORDS
JUST CAN’T EXPLAIN ♪

♪ THIS IS REAL ♪
♪ I’M AFRAID ♪
♪ I GUESS THIS TIME THERE’S
JUST NO HIDING FIGHTING ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME RESTLESS ♪
♪ YOU’RE IN MY HEART ♪
♪ THE ONLY LIGHT
THAT SHINES THERE IN THE DARK ♪

♪ OHH ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I ♪
♪ WANTED TO FLY ♪
♪ SO YOU GAVE ME
YOUR WINGS ♪

♪ AND TIME ♪
♪ HELD ITS BREATH ♪
♪ SO I COULD SEE, YEAH ♪
♪ AND YOU SET ME FREE ♪
♪ WHEN I WAS ALONE ♪
♪ WHEN I WAS ALONE ♪
♪ YOU CAME AROUND ♪
♪ WHEN I WAS DOWN ♪
♪ YOU PULLED ME THROUGH ♪
♪ YOU PULLED ME THROUGH ♪
♪ AND THERE’S NOTHING ♪
♪ THAT I WOULDN’T DO
FOR YOU ♪

♪ ‘CAUSE I ♪
♪ WANTED TO FLY ♪
♪ SO YOU GAVE ME
YOUR WINGS ♪

♪ SO YOU GAVE ME
YOUR WINGS ♪

♪ AND TIME ♪
♪ HELD ITS BREATH ♪
♪ SO I COULD SEE ♪
♪ SO I COULD SEE ♪
♪ ‘CAUSE I ♪
♪ WANTED TO FLY ♪
♪ SO YOU GAVE ME
YOUR WINGS ♪

♪ SO YOU GAVE ME
YOUR WINGS ♪

♪ AND TIME ♪
♪ HELD ITS BREATH ♪
♪ SO I COULD SEE, YEAH ♪
♪ AND YOU SET ME FREE ♪♪

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